Frustration Is a State of Mine
by Tim C. Girl
Summary: Bella Swan is just a normal young woman with normal needs – with a vampire boyfriend who won't see to those needs. Will she turn to the one who would?  Was Alice right? Or did the boys screw up along the way?  Jacob/Bella with established Edward/Bella
1. Bella: Conversation

_Man, I can't believe I'm writing fanfiction again. Ugh. What the hell am I thinking?_

_Hopefully it'll help to curb my obsession with all things Jacob/Bella a bit (yeah, right!), and provide some entertainment for those of you out there at the same time._

_Reviews and constructive criticism are definitely welcome. I haven't written any fic in over ten years and nothing at all in the first person POV in forever, so… Plus, English is not my mother tongue (although I'm very comfortable with it) and I didn't have this beta-read – don't hesitate to let me know if you spot any mistakes!_

_All things _Twilight _belong to Stephenie Meyer… although I can't understand how she could come up with such a wonderful character as Jacob Black and then treat him so horribly!_

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******One – Bella**

It all started with a conversation.

I showed up at the Blacks' unannounced, but not unwelcome, and Billy let me in with a large smile and a joyful greeting. He wasted no time directing me to Jacob's tiny closet of a room with a jerk of his head, grinning around his statement that there was a possibility I might find my best friend sleeping, despite the late afternoon hour.

Jake wasn't asleep when I plumped myself next to him on his bed. He was in fact in deep concentration over a book, a manual of sorts, but promptly closed it and tossed it down on the floor as I settled on my back next to him.

"Hi Jake," I simply greeted him, fixing my gaze on the ceiling to avoid blatantly ogling him down. You'd think that after all these years I would have grown accustomed to seeing all those Quileute boys half-naked – I could probably count on one hand the number of times I'd seen Jake with a shirt on in the last year, and yet… He was lying on his stomach, propped up by his elbows in order to read, the well-defined muscles of his back visibly shifting with every breath, every small movement. He was wearing jeans instead of his usual cut-offs, but they were riding so low on his hips that I could affirm with a hundred percent certainty that he was definitely not wearing underwear. Yeah – eyes on the ceiling.

"Hey Bells," he greeted me back, his voice low and rough, confirming Billy's suspicion that he had been on the verge of falling asleep. The poor guy had probably patrolled all night, if the dark circles under his eyes were any indication. It didn't stop him from gracing me with a warm smile, _my_ smile, and a twinkle in his eyes. My answering grin was only slightly strained, and only because I couldn't help but worry about him.

He spoke again before I could voice my concerns. "Not that I'm complaining or anything," he stated with a smirk, his tone light and losing the traces of sleep after the first few words, "but what brings you here on this fine day?"

I snorted. The weather, as usual in these parts, was rainy with a side dish of far thunder, and the temperature was at least fifteen degrees below the seasonal average. Anywhere else in the country, it would have been a day for snuggling in front of the television or falling asleep over a good book – but we would not get much done if we indulged every time the weather called for it, would we?

"Just visiting my best friend," I shrugged, the movement awkward in my position, on my back with my head twisted to look at him. "I haven't seen you in forever." Four days, to be exact, but who was counting?

It was weird, I guess, this dependency that I had towards my best friend. The need to see his large toothy smile, to feel his unnatural warmth, to hear him calling me 'Bells' and 'honey' with such feeling that the tingles reached my toes every time. But living, as I did, with a houseful of cold-skinned vampires all the time, I figured it was just my way of balancing things. And we had come to an understanding in the last few years, Jacob, Edward, and I, which made these visits okay, welcome, guilt-free.

"That boyfriend of yours getting you frustrated?" Jake pulled me out of my inner musings with his surprising question. Surprising in the sense that he hadn't called Edward a bloodsucker, for once, and that he had willingly asked about my relationship at all. Not that we never talked about it, but Jacob rarely broached the subject himself, unless he thought that I really needed to vent. Which, okay, admittedly, had been happening more often lately. 'Frustrated' was unfortunately becoming a state all-too-familiar of mine.

I shrugged again, bringing my gaze back to the ceiling while a low blush rose in my cheeks. It would be too much to hope that Jake would not notice it, I knew, and I once again cursed my fair complexion and my inability to keep the blood from rushing to my face at the slightest thought of a sexual nature. It wasn't even shyness anymore – living in a house with Emmett Cullen will cure anyone of that fairly quickly. It was simply a physical reaction I could not make my body cease doing. Just like I could not stop my body from reacting when Edward was kissing me passionately, his hands oh-so-lightly skimming my skin, eliciting shivers of cold and pleasure in equal measures, his lips travelling over my face, to my ears, down my neck. Only to retreat, to get up from the bed and head out of the room the moment my own hands became too rough, my breathing too shallow, my legs too clingy. Yeah – 'frustrated' was a very good adjective to describe me these days.

There was laughter in Jake's voice when he pulled me from my thoughts again. "I'll take that as a resounding yes," he said, turning on his side to fully face me, propping his head with one hand and taking one of mine in his other. Our fingers entwined automatically, my smaller ones bridging the gaps between his, his perpetual warmth travelling up my arm to the rest of my body instantly. I'd stopped wondering a long time ago why it felt so natural to touch him like this. It just was, and we just did.

"How did you know?" I asked rhetorically, smirking in derision at myself for being so easy to read. The intensity of his expression caught me off guard when he answered seriously.

"I can smell you," he said softly, his gaze fixed on our entwined fingers rather than my face, a touch of colour visibly rising in his own cheeks despite the darker hues of his skin. I was dumbfounded. "I mean, I can smell him on your skin, and your… _desire_ for him," he mumbled the last words, evidently uncomfortable. His reaction was such a surprise – I mean, Jake was _anything_ but awkward around me, constantly giving Emmett a run for his money in the lewd innuendo department – that it took me a moment to fully comprehend his words, to measure the extent of what he had just said. Damn those werewolf senses.

"Oh God," I groaned the instant full realisation struck me. The number of times I had come to Jake after Edward had rejected me, my advances… We might have reached an understanding, but I was not naïve enough to think that Jacob had completely gotten over me, and that flaunting in his face – unintentionally as it was – my physical relationship with Edward might not be hurting him on some level. Forget the obvious mortification; I was _appalled_ by how mean I had unwittingly been to my friend. "I'm _so_ sorry," I whispered, trying to catch his eyes and convey the depth of my apology. He would not meet my gaze, and I had to reach over with my free hand to tilt his head up. "Seriously, Jake. I never thought…" A small part of my brain was astounded that now, of all times, there was no trace of a blush on my cheeks.

It was his turn to shrug awkwardly, squeezing my fingers with his as his expression cleared and he grinned at me, his eyes finally meeting mine. "Don't worry about it," he said in a normal tone, just a slight trace of self-derision present. "It's the sweetest kind of torture, you know?" When I quirked an eyebrow, he continued: "To smell you in such a state, the sweetness and sheer sexuality, and yet to know that I'm not the one to draw those reactions from you…" Once again he shrugged, but the grin was still in place, his eyes twinkling again. "Like I said, it's a sweet torture."

Cue the blush. And his resounding laughter.

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We had changed so much, the three of us, since the rollercoaster ride that had been my high school senior year. I was the only one that was _physically_ changing, granted, Edward being frozen at seventeen forever and Jacob having reached twenty-five practically overnight and stopping there, but emotionally, the last four years had brought maturity, and dare I say it, some form of wisdom. Gone were the jealous fits, the hurtful insults, the admonishments that _the other_ was not good for me, would hurt me. My two boys – who _weren't_ boys anymore, really – had made some sort of peace, the details of which I was not privy to, but immensely grateful for.

When I had refused the compromise Edward had proposed – marriage in exchange for being the one to change me – the dynamic of our relationship had been subtly altered. I still had wanted to become a vampire as soon as possible, the threat from the Volturi adding weight to my determination, but I was hoping to change his mind in time, and realising that I was way too young to marry had suddenly opened my eyes to the fact that I _had_ time. For the first time, being physically a little older than Edward hadn't seemed so bad.

My stubbornness regarding the marriage topic had brought out more assertiveness on my part, and I had been able to put my foot down regarding other things as well, putting a definite end to my being kidnapped by Alice the minute Edward left to hunt. I was able to see Jacob as often and for as long as I wanted without constantly having to justify it to my favourite vampires, and my newfound freedom made Jake back down on the hostility and the jail-breaking attempts. I would never be able to claim that my best friend and my boyfriend got along well, or – God forbid! – that they were _friends_, but I wasn't constantly being torn between the two anymore, and during the summer before we left for Dartmouth, I even managed to drag both Edward and Jake on outings with me, _together_.

Of course, my werewolf of a best friend had not exactly been ecstatic that I was leaving for the other side of the country and going to live with seven vampires, but promises to call often (I'd eventually relented and let Edward buy me a cell phone for my nineteenth birthday, just to shut him up about the gifting thing) and to visit for every holiday (Charlie had already made me swear that oath) had eventually made him relent. He had been awfully and obviously afraid I would eventually convince Edward to change me, and I hadn't been able to reassure him on that end, since it _had_ been my intention, but we had parted as best friends should: with a bone-crushing hug that had literally taken my breath away and tearful confessions that we would miss each other like crazy.

I'd kept my promises, and just as living with Edward had allowed my relationship with him to grow, our love to evolve past the all-encompassing need to have him near all the time into a comfortable and passionate companionship that left space for other friendships and activities, so had the separation done to my friendship with Jacob. Talking over the phone at least once a week and spending time with him over the holidays and during the summer had made us better friends – or at least, had made me _his _friend, the same way he had been mine since I'd brought those motorcycles over.

And through those four years, _I_ had grown up too. The whole college experience, that Edward had so insisted on, had turned out to be a pretty good idea after all, and I had _thrived_. The learning, the new friends from all around the world, even the partying (although – hello? I'm Bella Swan. Alice had to _drag_ me to those!) – all of it had shaped me into the young woman I was becoming, had helped me to shed the overly anxious teenager I had been and embrace the fun-loving, knows-what-she-wants (but still somewhat shy) persona I was developing. Eventually, Alice had confessed that she could not see my future as a vampire anymore, and I'd been surprised by my lack of disappointment. Something had been done about the promise to the Volturi, the circumstances of which all seven of the Cullens had been very careful not to divulge to me, and just like that, my life had suddenly been full of possibilities. Freshly out of college, I was a young woman with a future before her, one that planned to enjoy life to its fullest, but one that, as the conversation with Jake on that rainy afternoon had so eloquently illustrated, was unbelievably, indescribably, _desperately_, sexually frustrated!

There were perks to having a vampire boyfriend, certainly. The fact that he never slept, for one, and that he liked to spend all those extra hours learning new things to make me happy. Or that he could make a day-long trek into the woods to a beautiful and secluded spot in an hour while carrying me _and_ all our supplies. That he could quote all the classics even when he failed to see the romance; that his amber eyes always burned with his love for me; that his sole purpose in life _was_ me. But then there were the downsides too, not that many, but all revolving around his control – or hypothetical lack thereof – around me. Which brought me back to the sexual tension that was getting worse every time he had to retreat from me, every time he had to stop me from taking things too far too quickly. He _had_ the control, the restraint not to hurt me, not to drink me dry in a fit of passion, as we'd proven a few times. But Edward was still afraid, never letting himself completely enjoy the moment, and still opting, more often then not, to either slow things down or completely stop them when _I_ lost control.

I could not pinpoint why exactly, but the conversation with Jake, lying on his bed staring at the ceiling as he softly stroked my hand with his callused thumb, while the thunderstorm raged outside his window, had brought all my frustration to the fore. Suddenly, being a twenty-two-year-old red-blooded woman who barely ever got to feel _wanted_ by her lover was nothing short of a tragedy.

The question was: what was I going to do about it?

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_So there you have it. Liked it? Or not? Please let me know! I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this yet, aside from obviously wanting to get Jake & Bells together by the end. I just had the scene on Jake's bed and their conversation in my head when I started, so… any comment is welcome!_


	2. Jacob: Flirt

_Well, I didn't know how to start this chapter at first, and I was really surprised when it turned out that I apparently have an inner Jacob voice!__ Hope you like it…_

_By the way, I feel like I should remind you all that in my little world, Bella didn't let Edward push her into marriage, and so Jacob didn't have any reason to threaten to let the newborns have a go at him, or even to force another kiss on Bella after the infamous tent scene._

_And lastly, I remind you that I don't have a beta-reader, so don't hesitate to flag down any mistake you might find._

_All things _Twilight_ belong, forevermore, to Stephenie Meyer._

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Two – Jacob

It was like I flipped a switch in her, or something.

I was slowly-but-surely falling asleep over my manual for the Mech. Eng. summer course I was taking when Bella flopped onto the bed next to me. I'd had the midnight-till-dawn patrolling shift for the last month or so, but I hadn't been able to fall back asleep that morning, and my mind was unusually fuzzy. That would be the excuse I would cling to, anyway, to justify the confession I would later make.

It was an exceptionally cold day (not that I really felt it), with a thunderstorm, high winds and everything – the kind of day that was perfect for snuggling with a lover and sleeping the afternoon away. I doubted that was why Bells showed up in my room, though. From the smell of things, she had needed to put some distance between her leech of a boyfriend and her.

"That boyfriend of yours getting you frustrated?"

I clearly surprised her with the question. I didn't often willingly bring the subject of Edward in our conversations, mostly because truce or not, I still didn't like the guy, but also because when she was with _me_, I didn't want Bella to constantly think of _him_. But sometimes, the role of best friend implied letting her vent a little, and it was a chore I willingly took on.

It hadn't been easy for me, accepting to step back, that summer four years ago, after we had gotten rid of the redheaded leech and her army of newborns. I'd been hurt pretty badly during the fight, and Bella had been at my bedside near-constantly in the few days it had taken me to get better. She had been apologetic, as if she'd been at fault for having a crazy bloodsucker after her, but I'd been too happy to have her near (and consequently away from Deadward) to argue much beyond telling her to stop worrying needlessly. If memory served, she hadn't heeded the advice.

I had healed quickly though, and within a week, the three of us – the vamp, the wolf and the girl we both loved – had been back to the crazy love triangle, the boyfriend and the best friend fighting for every moment of free time with our girl, pulling her apart slowly but inexorably. We'd started playing downright dirty in the months before their graduation, but Bella hadn't let us get away with everything anymore, and by the time the threat to her life had been gone, we'd reached some sort of balance, where it was _Bella_ who decided who she wanted to see and when. Yeah – Edward and I had both been pretty whipped.

The way I had seen it, I'd _still_ been fighting for her life, though: I knew she'd asked him to be the one to change her, and that he'd turned her down. Bella had mentioned something about not accepting his terms, but I hadn't been able to get the specifics out of her. I had been afraid she'd change his mind though. And I had still wanted her to choose _me_.

Then one day Edward had contacted me, asking for a private meeting while Bella was on a shopping trip in Port Angeles with the pixie. I had expected a fight; what I had gotten was a heartbroken guy more-or-less handing me my every desire on a silver platter… only on a long-term timetable.

Alice couldn't see Bella as a vampire in the future anymore, he had told me. More importantly, the little pixie couldn't see Bella's future _at all_ anymore. She had freaked at first, thinking another threat would find the trouble-magnet girl, until she'd realised that _we_ – the pack – were the ones blocking Bella from her visions. She hadn't been able to keep her conclusions from Edward's mindreading, and he'd understood instantly that although it wasn't a conscious decision yet, the girl he loved with all he was would not choose him in the long run. And as incredible as it had sounded to my ears, he would let her go willingly. _When_ she was ready to leave him, he had said. After college – Alice still saw her graduating from Dartmouth, after all.

Bella had not been told any of this, of course, although she had seemed to know something was up by the questioning look she had sent our way when Eddy and I started getting along – more-or-less. Hell, I had just wanted to spend as much time with her as I could before she left for the other side of the country with her vampire surrogate-family, and if that meant enduring the stench of bloodsucker for an evening while the three of us went to the movies together, then I had been willing. Alice's visions or not, Bella would be away for four years, and I had not wanted to risk her finding another future in college, and forget about me. So I had wholeheartedly become Best Friend Jake, leaving the declarations of love unspoken, if not all the flirting.

And it worked. While she got a higher education and I finished high school (a year late, but with good enough grades nonetheless) and started on a part-time degree (balancing my werewolf duties and my human life became a lot easier after the Cullens left and we only got sporadic vampire activity), Bells and I truly became best friends. We spoke on the phone regularly and she visited every chance she got, just as she'd promised Charlie (and me). I fell even more in love with her, even if I hadn't thought it possible, getting to know a more relaxed Bella, fun-loving and carefree. But I didn't pursue her. I'd promised Edward to let him have whatever time he had left with her, and I wasn't one to go back on my word.

But that rainy afternoon, lying side-by-side on my bed, something changed. She was frustrated, it was unerringly evident – and not just physically. She'd grown up while in college, beyond the fuller curves and trimmer waist – she'd become a woman in body _and _attitude. And I was pretty sure she was starting to understand that the grand love story with her vampire, which had seemed so romantic when they were in high school, did not quite hold up in the real world.

Still, I only had my lack of sleep to blame when I blurted out that I could smell them, the residue of their bedroom activities – I tried real hard not to conjure up the images my imagination came up with. It had nearly killed me the first time I'd realised they had a _physical_ relationship, back that first Christmas when they'd been over for a visit. Some part of me would never understand how she could do _that_ with him, but after cornering Edward and threatening him with every torture technique I could come up with (none of which would probably have been effective on a vampire anyway), he'd reassured me that he was _extremely_ careful with her, that he'd rather not be intimate with her than risk harming her in any way, and I'd had to come to terms with the fact that Bella was a red-blooded girl-turning-woman who had every right to want to explore her sexuality with her long-term boyfriend.

I didn't envy Eddy the control he must always keep with her though. The guy _had_ to be suffering from the worst case of blue-balls ever known to man – or bloodsucker, as the case may be.

"I'm _so_ sorry," Bells finally whispered when she realised exactly what I'd just disclosed. I was, annoyingly enough, blushing from embarrassment at my confession, and wouldn't meet her gaze until she forced my head up. "Seriously, Jake. I never thought…"

I couldn't let her think it bothered me when it truly didn't anymore, couldn't let her stop from visiting just in case I caught an indiscreet whiff or something. "Don't worry about it," I told her sincerely. "It's the sweetest kind of torture, you know? To smell you in such a state, the sweetness and sheer sexuality, and yet to know that I'm not the one to draw those reactions from you…" I shrugged, hoping she could tell by my smile that it really _was_ okay. "Like I said, it's a sweet torture."

The blush that rose not only in her cheeks but on her whole face and down her neck as far as I could see was adorably cute – and I couldn't help but laugh. But I was not going to let her dwell on it and make a big deal out of it, so, forgetting how tired I was, I jumped up from the bed and pulled her up with me by the hand I'd unconsciously been stroking. "Want to see my newest project?" I asked her, grabbing a t-shirt on the way out of my room and putting it on along with some shoes for the short trek to my garage. I wouldn't normally have bothered, but Bella was uncomfortable enough right now that I didn't want to aggravate her with what she would see as taunting her with my oh-so-hot body drenched with rain. Not that the wet t-shirt look was much better, judging by the way her heart skipped a few beats. She really had no idea how much of an advantage I had over her.

But it was not my place to use that advantage yet, and I concentrated on introducing her to my new baby, the 1964 Ford Galaxie I was restoring in my free time. Bells still had no clue what I was talking about when I described the 352 cubic-inch, V8 engine and all the original parts I was trying to round up one by one without ruining myself, but just as she had all those years ago with the bikes and the Rabbit, she listened anyway, just as a best friend does.

Except that our earlier conversation had definitely changed something in her. It took me a little while to realise it, but instead of grabbing an overturned crate to sit on while I babbled away, she hitched a hip against the car a few inches from me, and leaned over my arm to look at whatever I was pointing at. Instead of keeping her cold hands in the pockets of her pullover to keep them warm, she placed them in one of mine, absorbing my higher body heat. And when I crowded her to get a tool on the workbench behind her, she didn't slide away: she kept her ground, and faced me full on.

Bella Swan was _flirting_ with me. And the kicker was, I knew she was unaware of the effect it had on me, that it was completely innocent on her part. She simply was, for the first time since I'd known her, completely comfortable with me, physically. As if my admission that I was aware of her body in my own intimate way had released some of her inhibitions, had lowered the wall she had always kept between us. And boy did I _love_ it.

So I pressed my luck a little, to see how far she would take it. When I needed her to move to reach a part of the engine, I placed my hands on her waist and lifted her myself, depositing her just as far as necessary, 'accidently' brushing my arm against her breasts a little as I leaned under the hood. She didn't move, didn't acknowledge it in any way. When I showed her the roomy backseat, I winked at her with the dirtiest smile I could manage on my face, and she simply laughed, as happy and carefree as I'd ever heard from her. When I asked her what her plans for the evening were, leering just a little to make her smile, she answered that Edward was out hunting until the next day, and that she was all mine to do with as I pleased.

And I realised in that instant how dangerous this little game of mine was. Chances were that _I _was going to end up the loser, that _I_ was going to be the one all hot and bothered – and frustrated. Because at the end of the day, my Bells might be coming to terms with the fact that her relationship with the bloodsucker was not exactly all it was cracked up to be, and I might have inadvertently started her down the path that would eventually, hopefully, lead her to me, but she wasn't there yet, and the last thing I wanted was to blow my chance with the girl of my dreams because of my eagerness.

I'd been patient so far, had already waited four years, fuelled by the hope that Alice's lack of vision really meant that Bella's life would be entwined with mine some day. She had just come home from college two weeks ago – I could wait a little longer. I would wait forever for that girl; there was no doubt in my mind about that.

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I know, I know… things are a little slow so far. They should pick up considerably in the next part. Tell me what you think anyway, please? I'm beyond thrilled to know that people find my little musings interesting enough to put me on alert or in their favourites, but it would still be better to know what you think_, you know? So please review… I won't ask for a specific number of comments before I post the next chapter, because that's really not the way I work, but I'm apparently not above begging… Please?_


	3. Bella: Seduction

_Thanks for the reviews guys. It's a real rush to have instant feedback on my writing, for a change!_

_Reminder of the day: this story is rated M. Just saying._

_I apologise in advance for Edward's large part in this chapter. I felt it was necessary for the story, and it was easier to write than I had thought it would be. The fact that the weather here these past two weeks has resembled that of Forks might or might not have had anything to do with that._

_All things _Twilight_ belong to Stephenie Meyer._

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T**hree – Bella**

Looking back on it, that day was probably the beginning of the end.

I felt different around Jake after our conversation on his bed. The part of me that had always been careful of his feelings, not wanting to hurt him unnecessarily, realised how futile it was when the guy _knew_ these things about me, these intimate things, and I just… let go. I wasn't even embarrassed much about it; I'd always known, on some level, that my werewolf best friend had super-senses, but hearing proof of it from his own lips just really drove it home. And I didn't care. There wasn't much I could do to control my heartbeat, my hitching breath, or my _smells_, so I just accepted that my body had no secrets for him (kind of), and moved on.

It made for an interesting afternoon, in any case. I was hyper-aware of _him_, suddenly, wanting some measure of the same knowledge he had on me. So as he worked on his new car, I kept close, even when I was obviously in his way, forcing him into my personal space time and again. Jacob being Jacob, he didn't disappoint, brushing up against me, picking me up to move me around (but never far) when unavoidable, crowding me. He had a permanent grin glued to his lips, was throwing innuendos about the backseat and telling tall tales about the pack, making me laugh, and I could tell he was just happy to be in my company. There was no tension, no pressure as when we'd been younger, just honest enjoyment in spending time with his best friend, who happened to be a girl he found attractive. He had never hid _that_ from me.

But then, when it was nearing dinnertime and he asked what my plans for the evening were, I pushed a little too far, teasing him with my answer that Edward was hunting until the next day so I was all his to do with as he pleased, and Jake kind of shut down. It wasn't obvious, and had I not been paying extra attention to him all afternoon, I probably would have missed it, but his grin was a little forced when he leered my way, and his eyes were tired again, as if he hadn't slept in a few days.

We ended up watching a movie after dinner with Billy, and then only the first half or so, since we both fell asleep on it, curled up on the too-small-for-a-werewolf couch. He carried me to his bed when he woke up for patrol, telling me he'd be back at dawn, and I barely felt the kiss he gave my forehead before I returned to my dreams, surrounded by the musky and earthy smell of Jake. I never felt him come back, waking up around eight o'clock to the gorgeous sight of a nearly-naked man (those boxers really didn't hide much!) stretched out over the covers next to me. He was so tired that he didn't even stir as I put the jeans and bra I barely remembered taking off during the night back on (I'd kept my tank top, at least!), and lightly kissed his cheek before tiptoeing out of his room in search of the sweater, socks and shoes I'd taken off at the start of the movie. It wasn't the first time Billy had seen me exiting Jake's bedroom in the early morning hours after a late movie-night, and he only winked in jest when I sat down for a quick breakfast with him.

By the time Edward was back from his hunt, I was home, showered, and changed, waiting for him with the firm intention of having my way with my boyfriend and putting a – temporary, at least – end to this sexual frustration that even my best friend had picked up on.

We were alone in the large glass house the Cullens had called home in Forks. The rest of the family had elected to stay in New Hampshire this summer, tying up loose ends on that chapter of their eternal lives, until we moved in the fall. The destination had not been decided yet: there was no way they could come back to Forks, too many years having passed without their aging already, and I knew they wanted to take whatever I decided to do with my life into consideration. Alice had been hinting at England lately: the weather there would allow them a somewhat normal diurnal life, but I wasn't sure I wanted to be so far away from my parents. Besides, she hadn't _seen_ us there, yet. I still had time to make up my own mind.

"What are you reading?" Edward softly asked me, stretching out to put his head in my lap. I'd decided that waiting for him in bed would be too obvious a move and counterproductive in the long run, so I had positioned myself on the downstairs couch with my old copy of _Pride and Prejudice_, and bundled up in blankets to hide the fact that I wasn't wearing anything but a nicer pair of panties and a tank top. The last four years had given me some confidence in my own body and my ability to use it for seduction, but I knew my vampire lover well, too, and I wasn't leaving things to chance. The fact that he had just fed worked in my favour, certainly, but giving him too many occasions to slow things down (like having to undress me) was never a good idea.

I put down the book I hadn't really been reading, showing him the cover as an answer, and focused on him instead. My right hand had found its way to his silky bronze hair without my conscious knowledge, threading my fingers in his soft locks in a continuous caress, and I brought my left hand up to delicately trace the contours of his face, barely touching him with the tips of my fingers. His heightened senses made the barely-there contact very sensual, I knew. He closed his eyes, humming his approval of my ministrations.

"How were the lions?" I asked with a smirk. It had become a joke of ours, whenever he came back from feeding. His answer varied, but usually implied his satisfaction over their sacrifice. I asked the same of Emmett and his bears, but _he_ always answered the same: "Not fast enough."

My hand had travelled from his face to his torso, sneaking under the material of his shirt past the first few buttons he'd left undone, and he opened his eyes to look at me pointedly before answering. "Tasty," he grinned, before bringing the conversation to the subject on my mind. "What are you doing, love?" His tone was light and playful, encouraging me in my endeavour.

"What does it look like?" I teased, leaning over his head to reach into his shirt with my other hand too, bringing my short nails into play on his stomach. The movement made the blanket fall from my shoulders, revealing my black top. It also put my breasts right in Edward's face.

He slowly scratched his nose over my cloth-covered nipple before answering. It felt amazing. "Looks like you're trying to seduce me," he finally said, shifting slightly to kiss the underside of my breasts.

I basked in the feeling for a moment, relishing the attention, before sliding back enough to find his lips with my own. "Is it working?" I whispered with my mouth touching his, before licking his lower lip and deepening the kiss. I didn't need to wait for his reply anyway – the way is hands had come up to sink into my long hair and bring me ever closer was answer enough. But my position was awkward, upside-down and bent nearly in half, so as soon as I managed to blindly finish unbuttoning his shirt, I broke the kiss and pushed on his shoulders to get him to stand up.

"How about we continue this upstairs?" I said with a wink, rising in turn and leaving the blankets behind. The obvious admiration in his eyes when he took in my bare legs and black underwear was very rewarding, but I couldn't give him any time to stop and think. I grabbed him by the lapels of his open shirt and tugged until he started walking in the direction of the staircase, bringing my mouth back to his when I was sure he would steer us to our bedroom.

It had never really bothered me before, all the work I had to put into getting my boyfriend to respond to me; I didn't use to see it as 'work', either. In the beginning of our physical relationship especially, when I had still been shy and inexperienced, it had given me some measure of control and confidence, knowing that Edward would never push me, never go farther than I allowed. But I had eventually crossed the line beyond 'as far as I was comfortable with' territory into 'wanting more, always more', and that's when Edward had changed from the patient and considerate boyfriend into the scared and reluctant lover… And when 'frustration' became a word I was so intimately familiar with. As I slid his shirt down his arms and attacked his belt buckle, it was nagging at me from the back of my mind, how it should be easier than this to get my lover of almost four years into bed with me.

"Here, let me get this," Edward said when my fingers fumbled the simple task again. I huffed but relented when I realised he wasn't stopping my advances – yet. Instead, I took the opportunity to get rid of my tank top and slide back into the middle of our large bed, smiling as I heard the catch in his unnecessary breath. There had never been any doubt in my mind that Edward _wanted_ me – only that he would let himself act on it. His clear amber eyes were ravenous as he slowly and thoroughly scanned my pale naked skin from head to toe, only to start all over again with his fingers as soon as he'd rid himself of his pants. There were only my panties and his boxers between us now, but I knew those would be the hardest part yet.

"You feel amazing," he whispered in my ear, one of his hands lightly brushing circles around my breast, avoiding my nipple, his other keeping his head up to watch my reactions. "So soft… like silk." I was getting goosebumps all over, from the caresses and the cold of his skin alike. If I didn't speed things up soon, he would wrap me up in the duvet and apologise for making me cold.

"Edward…" I turned into him until he was on his back, pressing my breasts into his chest and squeezing a leg between his. One of my hands had found its way into his soft hair again, the other playing with the elastic band of his boxers. "Please make love to me?" I asked gently, my eyes pleading with his, my mouth in a small pout I knew he found irresistible. Like I said – I wasn't leaving things to chance.

"Bella, love…" he started his rebuttal, stroking my back with both hands, eliciting more shivers. "You know I don't really want to stop, but… I'd never forgive myself if I hurt you."

I knew this apology by heart, but I was not going to back down this time. "You won't. You have better control than that. And you just fed." I brought my lips to his in a sweet kiss, hoping to distract him. It didn't work, but he didn't push me off either.

"My control isn't as strong as you would like to believe, trust me," he said, brushing my hair away from my face. "When you look at me like this, my love, it's really, _really_ hard for me to resist, you know that, right?" His other hand, the one that wasn't stroking my hair, was skimming the skin of my lower back just above my panties, a finger dipping under the elastic every now and then. I was pretty sure he was unaware of it.

Slowly, taking care not to scare him off with any sudden movement, I pulled myself more fully over him, moving my leg from between his to straddle his hips and press into his obvious erection. His hands stilled their caresses momentarily, but when I looked him directly in the eyes, he started his slow strokes again. "Then _don't_ resist," I told him forcefully, if still in a soft tone. "I trust you," I insisted. "I _want_ you."

His eyes were full of remembered pain when he met my gaze again after briefly closing them. "How can you, when I can so easily break you in a moment's inattention?"

Ah. The broken bedpost incident. We had a big four-poster bed in our room in New Hampshire, and one memorable evening last winter, when I had somehow convinced Edward to take things a little further than usual, one of the bedposts had fallen victim to his overenthusiastic clutching. He hadn't so much as touched me for a week after that, his mind full of scenarios where one of my arms or legs had replaced the ornate column. That was the last time he had been inside me; he didn't trust himself, even if I did.

I'd realised early on, of course, that I didn't have the sexual life of a typical college student. I'd had to skim over a lot of details with my college friends so as not to raise any questions about my relationship with my long-term boyfriend. Usually, I just claimed – not untruthfully – that it wasn't a subject I was comfortable discussing, but there were instances when I'd had to embellish things up a little. No, I was not a virgin – but I could count on one hand the number of times I had reached orgasm with Edward pushing into me, and _never_ had he let himself go enough to fall over the edge with me. His fingers and tongue were very talented, but the truth was, I missed the fullness of him inside me, wanted to feel him reach ecstasy, see it on his face.

There wasn't much I could say to him, though. I'd tried back then, for weeks after the bed had been repaired. I'd even tried to give him the cold shoulder treatment, but that had frustrated _me_ more than him, in the end. How pathetic was it that I had to beg the man of my life to make love to me?

"Please, Edward? How can you trust yourself again if you won't try?" I tried one last time, feeling tears starting to pool in the corner of my eyes and hating myself for the show of weakness. I was more mad than sad, but either way, tears would not sway him.

"I love you, Bella," was his only answer, before turning us over, disposing of my underwear, and proceeding to show me how much with his lips. He knew my body well, knew all the right spots to caress, the right pressure to apply with his tongue when I started to moan loudly, the exact right moment when to plunge two icy-cold fingers into me, making me cry out in surprise and pleasure. He played my body like he played the piano – confidently, harmoniously. When the tremors slowed down, he gently lifted me until he could slide the comforter over me, and he curled his body behind mine, the thick blanket between us to ward off the cold, whispering sweet nothings into my ear as I closed my eyes in post-coital bliss.

My body felt replete, but somehow, this time, the frustration was still there.

_

* * *

_

Forgive me? I promise some Jacob goodness next time.


	4. Jacob: Nerves

_Ugh. I know you guys probably won't mind, but I'd like to go on record and say that this was just supposed to be a short and sweet little Jacob/Bella fic to get me out of my 2-month-long writer's block funk. It definitely was NOT supposed to become this mu__lti-chapter, 10K-words-and-nowhere-near-finished monster. I HATE it when a story takes over like that._

_Anyway, here be some Jake goodness, as promised._

_All things _Twilight_ belong to Stephenie Meyer._

**

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**

Four – Jacob

I should have known it wouldn't be that easy.

I'd been so tired that I couldn't remember seeing more than five minutes of the movie Bells had wanted to watch that night. It probably didn't matter, because when I'd woken up just in time for the start of my patrol shift, she'd been sleeping soundly, lying half-way over me, and the television had still been on although the movie had been long over. I'd tried not to wake her up as I'd moved her to my bed, but she had stirred a little, until I'd reassured her that I was going on patrol and would be back at dawn. That was one of the great things about being 'just friends' with Bells over the last four years: she didn't make a fuss about sleeping in my bed when it was too late to drive back anymore. And since we were both adults, Billy didn't care. Which was just as well – that couch really wasn't made to be slept on.

I never really saw what the big deal was anyway, frankly – it's not like I would have jumped her, even when I had only been an overgrown hormonal teenager. But when I padded in, right after dawn, and I saw her discarded jeans and bra on the floor of my room, the part of me who was _still_ just a teenager kind of went in overdrive. I could see the straps of her tank top on her shoulders, where the covers had slid down a little, so I knew she wasn't naked under there, but I was still madly in love with her, and she really had _no_ idea what she did to me.

I was way too exhausted to dwell on it right then; I fell asleep the moment my head touched my pillow, but I had _very_ good dreams that morning. Let's just say it was probably for the best that Bella was gone when I woke up from them, sometime around noon. I doubted she'd have fully appreciated the state they'd put me in. Or maybe she _would_ have, and that was just a little too much to think about right at the moment. The little flirting session in the garage had definitely done a number on me.

I didn't hear from her for a few days, which wasn't unusual: she was probably visiting with Charlie and catching up with those high school friends of hers that were in town for the summer. For my part, I really tried not to let her behaviour go to my head during that time. It was kind of hard though, with the guys constantly ragging on me about it. They knew all about my pact with Edward from the beginning, of course – I couldn't have kept them from reading about it in my thoughts even had I tried.

We were all at Sam's and Emily's for lunch, a sort of informal pack meeting, when Seth brought the subject up again. He often asked for news of Bella and Edward throughout the year; the kid still suffered from a bit of hero-worship when it came to Eddy, _and_ from a little crush on my Bells. It was harmless, but we liked to give him a hard time about it nonetheless. "So you think it's time, then? That Bella will leave Edward soon?"

I shrugged. I really _was_ trying not to read too much into what had really only been some innocent teasing. "I don't know. I mean, she's graduated now, and the pixie couldn't read her future beyond that, so…"

"Well it just means she'll be hanging out with us wolves regularly," Paul said, the smirk on his face heralding a joke I was sure to be the butt of. Man, was I ever happy when he and Rachel got engaged and moved out! "Who says she has to choose _you_, Jake? She could end up with Embry!"

"Oh yeah, Bella…" Embry crooned in a faux-suave voice over the general laughter. "Let me show you what a _real_ man can do…"

Fucker. The guy couldn't even keep a girlfriend for more than a few months. Not that I was any better, mind you, but it was more of a… lifestyle choice, in my case. I mean, I wasn't a monk, but I was waiting for my girl, you know?

"Of course she'll choose Jake," a sweet voice sounded from the kitchen after the laughter and catcalls had died down. I could always count on Emily to be in my corner, at least. She was bringing a large platter of chicken wings to the table, as a side dish to the mountain of burgers Sam had grilled, and the subject was dropped while we devoured everything in sight.

Until Paul couldn't help himself, that is: "Maybe Bella should be given a few options, though, just to be fair." He sniggered, watching for my reaction from the corner of his eye. He'd pay for it later, when I wouldn't be at risk of breaking Emily's table by tackling him. "We could round up all the single guys from the rez and line them up for her."

Jared snorted, offering a wisecrack about an auction, and they were off again. I let them have their fun, even smiling at some of the good-natured jabs. They might give me a hard time, but they all knew how important Bella was to me, and they were supportive, in their own dysfunctional way.

"Well she's coming over for the bonfire tonight," I told them when there was a lull in the snickers. I'd mentioned it to her that afternoon, amidst all the flirting in the garage, and she'd assured me she'd be there, come rain or high water (both high probabilities with the weather we'd been having). "I'd appreciate it if you clowns kept the inappropriate comments to a minimum – she's not supposed to know about this, remember?"

And she never would; the pack was even forbidden from alluding to any of it – my promise to Edward, Alice's lack of vision, my _patience_ – in her presence by an Alpha order. I still didn't know why Sam had chosen to give it, but I suspected Emily's influence. I knew for a fact that there were ways to circumvent such orders, though, and I didn't want a stupid joke to turn badly.

"No worries, bro," Embry said seriously, although the shit-eating half-grin wasn't fooling anyone. "I promise to stay away from the girl so as not to steal your limelight."

I said to hell with Emily's table (it wouldn't be the first time it needed to be fixed anyway), and lunged.

* * *

The weather had thankfully cleared by sundown, and First Beach was starting to be packed. It was the first official bonfire of the summer, and there were a lot of teenagers present, what with high school having let out just a few days ago. The sweet feeling of freedom for two months… I remembered it well.

I was sitting back with Emily and Sam while some of the guys finished setting up the fires, keeping an eye out in the direction of the parking lot for any sign of Bella. I had spent the afternoon working on the Galaxie (after having fixed the damn table) in hopes of keeping myself distracted, but I was a nervous wreck, to be honest. Suddenly, I had no idea how to act with her – my best friend, the girl of my dreams, the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

"Relax, Jake," Emily said, putting a delicate hand on my shoulder. She was sitting on a camping chair, a luxury afforded her by her just-starting-to-show pregnancy. She had their older daughter, little two-year-old Lily, already nodding off in her arms, under the warm blanket. "She's still the same girl she was three days ago, you know. Whether or not she's ready to make the decision to leave him, she'll still expect you to be her best friend."

Right. I knew that. And the last thing I wanted was to scare her off before I had my chance. The butterflies having a party in my stomach didn't seem to be on the same page, though.

Before I could come up with a reply that didn't betray just how high-strung I was, the delicious scent of strawberry and vanilla came to my nostrils, and I was up and running towards it. I had to remember not to squeeze too hard when I picked Bella up in a bear-hug, spinning with her as I kissed her hard on the forehead. She was breathless with surprised laughter when I put her down again, letting her lean on my arm when it looked like she might fall. I'd made her dizzy with all the twirling, and she had never looked more beautiful.

"What's gotten into you?" she exclaimed, still laughing but looking at me quizzically.

Great going, moron! No scaring the girl off, remember? "I just missed you," I replied, taking her hand in mine and leading the way down the path to the beach. "I haven't seen you in _forever_," I teased her with her own words from a few days ago, hoping she'd let it go.

I was saved from any further probing by the guys' very vocal and very enthusiastic greeting of Bella. Before I could even try to protect her from them, Embry had picked her up in his own bear-hug (whatever had happened to staying away from her?), quickly passing her on to Quil and Seth. I managed to retrieve her before Paul could have his go, and Jared and Sam only smiled and greeted her from their seats next to their respective wives. Leah, as usual, had volunteered for patrol to get out of the gathering.

Two hours had already passed chatting and catching up with all the rez gossip by the time I managed to tear Bells away from Emily, Kim and Rachel. They'd been talking babies – Kim was due within the month – and cooing over Emily's latest ultrasound pictures, or something. I wasn't sure how they could see _anything_ on those, especially out here in the dark.

"Want to take a walk with me?" I whispered in Bells' ear, catching her off guard by coming up behind her. She gave a little surprised cry, and blushed bright red.

"Don't _scare_ me like that!" she admonished. I barely felt the slap she administered to my chest. She'd never learned to carry a crowbar around.

I didn't wait for an answer, knowing she wouldn't object to this tradition of ours, and pulled her by the hand while saying goodnight to the pregnant ladies whose bedtime had arrived. Bella promised Emily to visit soon, and we headed down towards the waterline before following it in the opposite direction from the fires.

"So, what's up with Quil?" she asked when we'd walked a ways, the crash of the waves onto the far cliffs the only sound (to _her_ ears, anyway). My arm was around her shoulders to ward off the night's chill, hers around my waist to keep her balance. "He was unusually quiet tonight."

"He's quitting Claire cold-turkey," I answered, feeling sorry for my friend all over again. When Bella looked up at me with question marks in her eyes, I elaborated. "He's decided to step out of her life, says he'll go knocking when she's legal, or something. He says it's too weird to watch her grow up, knowing he's supposed to fall in love with her when she's older." Quil was completely freaked, in all honesty. And going crazy, worrying that something would happen to her in the meantime. I could relate.

"Makes sense," Bella said softly, thoughtful. "Putting some distance between them, I mean. I can't imagine how weird it would be for Claire to have the man you remembered babysitting you suddenly declare his love one day. Not to mention he won't be aging. At least she's still young enough he'll only be a foggy familiar face."

That was Quil's reasoning, in any case. Not that it made the process any less painful. Imprinting on a toddler was a bitch.

"Maybe he should start dating," Bella declared, a playful tone entering her voice. "I'm sure Embry could hook him up with a girl or five."

I laughed. Embry's long string of girlfriends was something my Bells found enormously funny – she always made sure to ask who the girl-of-the-week was when we spoke on the phone during the school year. I guess she still couldn't relate the somewhat shy and bookish teenager she'd met to the ladies-man he'd become.

"Yeah, maybe I'll suggest it to him, have them go on double dates. This latest girlfriend of his seems to be willing to stick around." She was a sweet girl, if a little timid. Although I guess we could be pretty imposing-looking as a group, and that might have something to do with her shyness. Tonight had been the fourth time Embry had brought her to a pack gathering though, which made it a record.

Bells' voice was still full of teasing tones when she spoke again: "What about you? Any girl sticking around I should know about?" She was smiling up at me, all innocent curiosity. My heart gave a painful thud.

I'd felt like a cheater, the first time I'd told her I was dating someone, sometime towards the start of her second year of college. We'd just spent the previous summer building on our friendship, and she'd insisted she wanted to know those kinds of things about my life, but it had felt _weird_. She, on the other end, had been _ecstatic_. Happy that I was moving on, and all that. It had become easier with time, though, telling her about my girlfriends. She'd even given me a pointer or two when I'd had to get myself out of the doghouse for a reason or another – generally relating to the werewolf stuff I couldn't tell them about. It was no wonder the guys who hadn't imprinted couldn't keep a girlfriend worth shit. Even sweetheart Seth.

"Nope," I answered, popping my lips on the last syllable. "No girl for me these days – I'm enjoying my bachelor lifestyle." My standoffish tone made her laugh, which had been my intention.

"What happened to Mel?" Bella frowned after a beat, recalling the girl I'd been dating since March. "I thought it was going well… I mean, you sounded like you really liked her, no?"

I shrugged. Bells _had_ to have realised by now that I always became single again by the time summer came around. "The lies were starting to be a drag, you know?" And wasn't _that_ the truth. There was just no easy way to explain to a girl why you _had_ to leave in the middle of the night, even right after sex, without sounding completely insensitive or like a psychopath. Mel had been more understanding than others, and I kind of missed her a little, but my heart was already taken by this girl I was best friends with.

"Too bad," the friend in question said. "I was looking forward to meeting her."

My heart gave another thud at her words. That would have been… awkward, to say the least. I'm not sure which scenario scared me the most between having them hate each other on first contact, or become the best of friends. I decided a change of topic was in order.

"So how's the leech?" Yeah… nobody said I wasn't an idiot.

"_Edward_'s fine," Bella said, huffing a little. Our walk had taken us to the driftwood tree we'd come to think of as ours, and she sat down heavily on it, crossing her arms over her chest to keep herself warm.

"Something wrong?" I asked before I could stop myself, positioning my body sideways next to her and gathering her up in my arms. There was no reason for her to freeze to death while I was available to serve as a space heater.

She was quiet for a while, giving my imagination plenty of time to run through all my fantasies of her announcing that it was over between them and that she'd realised how incredibly in love with me she was. Now that I had brought the subject of her boyfriend up (what was _wrong_ with me lately?), I realised that I couldn't smell him on her tonight. At all. As if she hadn't been anywhere near him for a couple of days.

"He's… been avoiding me," she finally answered, her voice barely above a whisper. I had no trouble hearing her though. And she sounded incredibly sad.

Just like that, my nervousness about the way we'd flirted the other day, my hopes that my patience was soon to be rewarded, all of it disappeared in the face of her misery. I was her best friend, and she needed comfort. "Oh, honey…" I crooned into her hair, pulling her that much closer to my chest. "What happened?"

_

* * *

_

Man, my inner Jake is chatty! _I was nervous about writing the pack, but I think I did okay… Would you agree?_

_Oh, and I can't remember if Bella smelling of strawberry and vanilla is something that is mentioned in the books (I only read them once and had borrowed them from a friend, so I can't check), or if it's just something that's pretty popular in fandom. Anyway…_

_I know I've been good about updating every 2 days so far, but real life was bound to catch up to me some time, right? So expect a longer wait before the next part. I'll try not to take too long, but I doubt I'll be able to write during the weekend. Reviews can always be used as bribes, though… *__hint, hint*_


	5. Bella: Avoidance

_This chapter runs a lot longer than the other ones, and I feel like __I repeated myself a lot in the second portion, but in the end, I couldn't bring myself to cut anything, so… I hope you enjoy anyway!_

Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer, and probably a bunch of corporate dudes._

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F**ive – Bella**

It was like watching an accident happen in slow motion, knowing you were involved but not quite feeling it yet.

After my unsuccessful attempt at seduction, Edward pretty much disappeared. I knew he was in the house somewhere, but there were a lot of rooms and just the two of us – it wasn't very hard for him to hide from me. By the second morning, I felt lonely and depressed, and decided that if he wanted to talk, he knew how to find me. Predictably, that's exactly when I managed to corner him in the kitchen, of all places – he _let_ me catch him, but the end result was the same.

"I'm going to see Charlie," I said, my voice so low I could barely make out my own words. I knew he could hear me perfectly. "I might stay overnight."

"Fine," he replied, just as softly. His voice was completely emotionless.

It felt as if we'd had a huge fight, only without the yelling and the hurling of insults. And I wasn't sure what we were even fighting _about_. I wasn't angry with him exactly – I understood his fears, even if I didn't agree with them. I wasn't sad either – I think I'd left that stage a couple months ago, after one-too-many rejections. I felt mostly numb, now.

"I'm sure he'd appreciate seeing you," I said because in the end, I just couldn't stand this _distance_ between us. It had been there for a while now, but never as tangible as right this moment. And it made my chest _hurt_.

There was the barest trace of a sardonic grin on Edward's lips when he answered: "No, I'm sure he _wouldn't_." Right. Four years hadn't done much to make Charlie accept my relationship with Edward. He never said anything, but I was sure he still rooted for Jacob, on some level. Fathers were weird.

So I borrowed the Volvo and drove alone into Forks, stopping by the grocery store on the way. Charlie wouldn't say no to a home-cooked meal, even if he had those more frequently now that he was dating Sue Clearwater, and I needed the distraction cooking would provide. I had enough of thinking about the situation, how guilty I felt that _sex_ was causing a rift between us, and that without even being aware of it, I apparently had decided over a year and a half ago that I _didn't_ want to spend eternity with Edward. The last thirty-something hours had consisted of nothing but thinking about it, and I was _tired_.

I ended up having lunch on my own, in what still felt more like _my_ kitchen than Charlie's, but cooking dinner for three. I had to insist that Sue let me handle everything – she was _very_ comfortable in this kitchen, and it made me smile. Edward had neither called nor texted me, so I spent the night in my old room, and barely slept at all. The next day, I hooked up with Angela, who was home for just a few weeks before starting her new job in Seattle.

It was funny how being on opposite coasts had made Angela and I grow closer. We'd been living the same experiences (or close enough), starting college and moving in with our respective boyfriends. It had felt good to share these things with someone who didn't pry deeper than what I was comfortable telling, and we'd kept a pretty regular email correspondence. Every summer, we hung out a few times while in Forks, sometimes with Ben and Edward in tow, sometimes just us two. She was the same sweet girl she'd been in high school, only more 'woman' now. And, as I learned that day, newly engaged.

That little bit of news, more than anything, really drove home how hopeless my relationship with Edward was getting. I _didn't want_ him to ask me to marry him (again). I _loved_ him, but not only was I not thinking about eternity with him anymore, I was starting to consider not wanting to live _my life_ by his side. And _that_ made me incredibly sad. But I didn't want to burden Angela with my problems, so I resolutely put the whole thing on a backburner in the furthest part of my mind, and managed to enjoy my afternoon.

* * *

Edward was nowhere to be found when I went home to change before heading to La Push. I'd promised Jacob to attend the bonfire and I was looking forward to it: the pack and their goofy antics seemed like just the thing to cheer me up and take my mind off my problems. Besides which, if Edward wasn't ready to talk to me, there wasn't much I could do about it.

The running-tackle-slash-bear-hug Jake greeted me with when I reached First Beach was _exactly_ what I needed. He remembered not to crush me too hard for once, so I could actually breathe and laugh in surprise when he started twirling me in circles, my feet flying out behind me as he kissed me hard on the forehead. _Someone_ had been missing me, at least!

"What's gotten into you?" I laughed at his exuberance. He looked… guilty for half a second, but he quickly smoothed his expression and I forgot all about it as I got passed from one half-naked man to another for more bone-crushing hugs. Would the pack _ever_ learn to wear shirts and at least _try_ to blend in? I hadn't seen any of them since last Christmas and although they didn't change physically, the wolf-girls certainly _had_. Kim was absolutely huge, just three weeks from her due date (and getting impatient), and I was delighted to see Emily was just starting to show. Little Lily woke up just long enough to give her Auntie Bella a sloppy kiss on the cheek and a too-tight hug around the neck, and within fifteen minutes of my arrival, I felt like I had never left.

I spent the next couple of hours getting caught up with all their lives: Jake had 'forgotten' to mention in our phone conversations that a couple of nomadic vampires had roamed around the rez for a few weeks in the spring until he and Jared had caught them by surprise, but I had already known that Seth had nearly scared his prom date to death by climbing to her second-storey bedroom window after taking her home, to steal a kiss – it hadn't quite ended the way poor Seth had hoped. We had our own bonfire, set slightly apart from the ones around which teenagers from both La Push and Forks loudly celebrated the end of the school year; it made me realise how older we all were than when this whole werewolf thing had started. Sam and Jared were married with kids (or just about), Paul was _engaged_ (that never stopped sounding weird), Embry was in college, the rest of them had started their own little construction business (apparently, the hard part was _hiding_ their supernatural strength from the contractors)… We weren't just kids anymore (well, apart from Seth, maybe, who was just as much a sweetheart as I remembered, and kept calling me his 'nearly-stepsister'), even if I personally had no clue what I wanted to do with my life now that I was done with higher learning.

I'd gotten caught in a conversation about the 'joys' of pregnancy and childbirth (was Emily _trying_ to traumatise Kim?) when Jacob made me jump out of my skin by suddenly appearing behind me. "Want to take a walk with me?" he asked, not the least affected when I smacked him – hard – on the chest. It was a tradition of ours, at the end of a bonfire party, to walk down the beach and just _talk_ – away from the prying ears of the pack if we could manage it. So I said goodnight to the girls and promised Emily to visit as soon as possible (when Sam was working, so we could gossip about the pack all we wanted without everything going back to them), and let Jake pull me towards the waterline. The moon was nearly full (it had prompted a very surreal conversation about 'werewolfness' earlier) so I could actually see where I was going, but I was still grateful for Jake's arm around my shoulders, keeping me warm and on my two feet.

We stayed silent for a while, putting some distance between us and the revelry around the fires, just enjoying the peacefulness of the moment, the sound of the crashing waves. When Jake slowed down almost imperceptibly, I knew we'd reached the point where he couldn't hear the guys anymore – and they couldn't hear us. It was weirdly important to him, this privacy for our talks, considering the pack would read his thoughts about them the moment he phased.

"So, what's up with Quil?" I asked, curious why the guy I remembered to be as much if not more of a goof as any of the wolves had been so quiet and withdrawn tonight. Jake explained how he was trying to put some distance between him and his imprint (Claire was six or seven years old by now, I couldn't remember), and I once again reflected how utterly fucked up the whole business was. And because I knew the thought of imprinting was not a joyous one for Jake (we'd once had a five-hour-long conversation about it – the long-distance fee had rendered Edward speechless for a full minute), I switched the subject to a more cheerful one, namely Embry's love life. I should have thought it through more carefully, because of course the natural follow-up to that was _Jake_'s own love life.

"What about you? Any girl sticking around I should know about?" I managed to keep my tone light and teasing – I already suspected the answer would be no, since he'd completely stopped mentioning Mel a few weeks ago already. It always happened that way when summer came around. A teeny, tiny, minuscule part of me liked to think he was keeping himself 'available' when I was in Forks. But a much bigger part hated myself for even thinking it, because Jake had let go and moved on, and I should be able to do so as well. I'd never been fair to that boy.

"Nope," he answered, confirming my thoughts. "No girl for me these days – I'm enjoying my bachelor lifestyle." He said it so outlandishly that I couldn't help but laugh. I'd never actually met any of his girlfriends, and according to Emily, he had never introduced any of them to the pack either, but I'd really thought he would make it work this time.

"What happened to Mel?" I finally found the courage to ask, figuring that if he didn't want to talk about it, Jake was comfortable enough with me to tell me so. "I thought it was going well… I mean, you sounded like you really liked her, no?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, but his brows had drawn together into a slight frown. "The lies were starting to be a drag, you know?"

Yeah, I could imagine. It couldn't be easy to try to make a relationship work when you had a whole secret life you couldn't share. Maybe that was the real reason behind imprinting. "Too bad," I said at length. "I was looking forward to meeting her." And I really was. From the way Jake had talked about her, she'd sounded like a really nice girl. I had hoped she could see past all the history of Jake and me and that we could get along, maybe become friends.

Jacob apparently _didn't_ want to talk about it though, because the next words out of his mouth were: "So how's the leech?" and the evening's mood plummeted dramatically. My best friend was all kinds of stupid, sometimes.

We'd come up to the driftwood tree that had been the scene of so many of our conversations throughout the years (starting with that awful attempt at fake-flirting I still felt somewhat ashamed of), and I sat down on it, huffing. "_Edward_'s fine."

Of course, Jake picked up on my mood shift instantly. "Something wrong?" he asked, straddling the tree so that he could put both arms around me. He was so _warm_.

It took me a while to answer, and Jake kept quiet, just holding me close and letting me decide what, if anything, I wanted to tell him. "He's… been avoiding me," I finally whispered, as the last three days' worth of _pain_, and _anguish_, and just… _helplessness_ came crashing on me. My eyes filled with tears that I tried to hold back, my throat closing up on the sobs I didn't want to burden my best friend with.

It proved a futile battle when he simply gathered me closer to his chest, his warmth completely surrounding me. "Oh, honey… What happened?" he asked in the gentlest tone I'd _ever_ heard from him, opening the floodgates on my tears and sobs. It took what felt like hours – but was probably more like ten minutes – before I calmed down enough to form words. And then it all came out, no filter at all. That feeling I'd gotten after Jake and I had discussed how he could _smell_ me was back, where I didn't _mind_ that he knew these intimate things because it was _Jacob_ and that made it okay: we had never had any secrets between us – even when he'd _been ordered to_, we'd gotten around it.

So I told him everything. How Edward was so careful with me all the time, in _everything_ we did, that I felt like a china doll sometimes. How it had little by little, without my conscious knowledge, escalated into this huge issue between us. How we _never_ talked about it except when it concerned our sex life, and then only in terms of how I wanted more from him than he felt he was capable of giving me.

When I recounted how I had tried the ultimate seduction the other morning and that although it hadn't felt like it at the time I now realised it had been sort of a 'last chance' kind of deal, a part of me wondered how the hell I wasn't embarrassed to be telling this to a guy who'd held a torch for me for years. Who'd once told me that he loved me and _meant it_ like sixteen-year-olds very rarely did. The ridiculous thought that at least he was wearing a shirt while I confessed how sexually frustrated and unwanted I felt entered my mind, and I nearly burst out in giggles. They would have sounded demented, I was sure.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, Bells," he softly said, the first words to pass his lips since my crying bout, "but you two should really talk this out. I mean, I think the guy's an idiot for treating you like that to start with, you know that, but he can't actually read _your_ mind honey, and if you don't _tell_ him how miserable you are, chances are he won't understand on his own. He _is_, after all, just a guy." His smirk held an unusual edge, and he was holding himself stiffly against me, as if he was restraining himself from… something.

I feebly nodded, resting my head back against his chest, knowing he was right and yet knowing it wouldn't be that easy. Edward had to want to talk to me first, for one, which wasn't the case right now, and then I had to find the courage to explain everything to him, preferably in a way that didn't make me sound like a sex-craved hormonal harlot. Because this was _not_ about the sex (or lack thereof). Or, you know, not _only_ about it.

"Hey," Jake said after we'd been silent for a few minutes. It felt like it must be really late – probably long past midnight, but I had no watch to confirm it – and I knew I would be freezing my ass off if it weren't for my best friend's superpowers of space heating. "Do you want to sleep over tonight? Tackle this with a clear and rested mind in the morning?"

I pondered the offer for a whole second and a half: go back home to an assuredly empty and cold bed, or snuggle up – in a very platonic way – with my own personal portable furnace, pretty much guaranteeing that I'd sleep like the dead. It was a no-brainer.

So I texted Edward that I was too tired to drive home and would be back in the morning, just in case he actually cared enough to check on me and, you know, _worried_ or something (he had neither called nor sent any messages in the two days I'd been gone), and followed Jacob home. Billy was long-asleep, so I tried to be as quiet as possible (Jake didn't have to try at all to move as silently as a shadow, and that was wrong on so many levels for a guy his size…), and borrowed one of Jake's 'before-phasing' t-shirts to sleep in. It almost reached my knees anyway.

I usually was already more than half-asleep when Jake carried me to his bedroom, but it didn't feel as awkward as I thought it would be, to prepare for bed with him. "Do you have to patrol?" I asked when he came back from the bathroom wearing nothing but a threadbare pair of gym shorts.

He made a few feeble attempts at straightening the sheets on the unmade bed while answering me: "Nah, we're rotating shifts with the full moon – I'm off duty this coming month, barring any emergencies."

I wordlessly nodded, and climbed into bed when he gave up the sheets as a lost cause. I fell asleep almost instantly, feeling warm and safe with Jacob's arms around me, and did, indeed, sleep like the dead.

* * *

This time, Edward was waiting for me on the front steps when I got home.

"How's Jacob?" he asked – in as neutral a tone as I'd ever heard – before I had even stepped around the car. First Jacob enquiring about Edward, now Edward asking after Jacob – was the world ending and I hadn't been informed?

"He's fine," I answered simply, coming up to him and pondering how to delay the inevitable confrontation long enough to take a shower and change my clothes. It seemed like the polite thing to do, considering I'd just spent the last twelve hours within touching distance of at least one werewolf.

"Are you hungry?" Edward followed me inside, apparently deciding to act as if we hadn't said barely twenty words to each other in the last three days. There was the smallest lick of anger, deep inside, that flared for a moment, but I snuffed it – this would be hard enough without losing my temper. I couldn't help but notice, however, that he kept his distance, and didn't try to kiss me hello.

I shook my head, and took a deep breath before facing him full on: "Look, Edward, we need to talk. So I'm going to take a quick shower, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't, you know… disappear until I come back down."

"Sure," he said, his gaze firmly fixed on a spot over my right shoulder.

Right. This would be easy as breathing. Jake had given me another sort-of-pep-talk this morning, after we'd woken up all tangled up in each other. It should have been incredibly awkward, considering I'd turned into him during the night until my head was resting on his chest and I had a leg thrown all the way over his, but it hadn't. One of his hands had found its way beneath the t-shirt I'd worn to bed and was resting on my lower back, the other on my naked thigh, and yet it had felt natural. Of course, the cheeky grin he'd given me when I had realised he'd been awake for a while had had a lot to do in diffusing the tension – my best friend was an eternal goofy teenager.

As I thoroughly scrubbed every inch of my skin under almost-scalding water, hoping to get the werewolf scent out of my pores, I recalled the words Jake had told me after breakfast: "Just talk to him, Bells. Edward _loves_ you, and I can guarantee that he doesn't mean to make you feel this way." I knew he was right – it didn't make the coming conversation any easier to handle.

"I want to apologise to you," Edward said before I'd even reached the bottom stair. He was sitting on the couch, his head bent over his fidgeting hands – a nervous gesture I'd never seen from him. "I shouldn't have avoided you."

I nodded, because he really _shouldn't_ have, but I took his hands in mine when I sat next to him. His eyes, when he lifted his gaze to mine, were full of unnamed emotions, but I could feel the sadness emanating from him. "I'm sorry too," I said gently. "You wouldn't have felt the need to hide from me if I hadn't pushed you."

"No. Bella, this is _not_ your fault," he forcefully declared, straightening into his usual posture. "You have _every right_ to want this… intimacy. I just– Love, I just _can't risk it!_" The anguish in his voice sent goosebumps all the way down my back. I would _never_ convince him otherwise.

"So what are you saying?" I felt the words pass my lips, but couldn't quite believe I'd formed them. They sounded so _defeated_.

Edward sighed deeply, taking his hands from mine as he stood up to pace behind the couch. I twisted around to keep my eyes on him.

"Alice doesn't see your future anymore," he declared after long moments. His voice was steady, but he wouldn't look at me.

"Yeah, I know," I replied, not quite understanding why he wanted to discuss this now. It wasn't completely unrelated, granted, but we'd already covered this a year and a half ago. "She doesn't see me becoming a vampire, I–"

"No," he interrupted me. "Alice doesn't see your future _at all_ anymore."

I was stunned. What did that mean? Was I going to die; was there some new threat after me; were the Volturi coming after all these years? I almost panicked, but then Edward's stoicism registered, and I _knew_. I wasn't dying – the pack was shielding me from her powers.

"Well, I've been spending a lot of time in La Push this past week," I said, amazed that my voice was so calm. Where was Edward going with this? Were we back to the jealousy towards Jacob? This was ridiculous. "I'm sure I'll reappear in her visions when we move away at the end of the summer."

Edward closed his eyes tightly, _huffing_, and – I was pretty sure – grinding his teeth. Everything in his posture said that he didn't want to say these next words: "Bella, your future beyond graduation from Dartmouth disappeared from Alice's sight before we even _left_ for New Hampshire. You're not going with us this fall. We've known that for years."

I was back to 'stunned and speechless'. That would mean that I'd already chosen – on some unconscious level, obviously – way back then, and…

Wait. "So, what? You just _gave up_? Took what time you had until we graduated college and didn't even _try_ to change my mind?" That lick of anger I'd kept under wraps earlier? Yeah, it was an _inferno_ now.

But Edward had an answer for everything, as usual. "I'm slowing you down, love, we both know that. You have a _life_ to live, projects to realise, places to see, experiences to grow from."

"I can do those things _with you_," I countermanded, before he could get any further. He sounded so withdrawn, so rational – as if it didn't affect him at all. Only his eyes, when he crossed my gaze, betrayed how utterly _crushed_ he felt.

His beautiful amber eyes, that I had always found so fascinating, were pleading with me to understand when he uttered the next sentence: "Not this way, my love." And it was final.

_

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_

*gasp* What will Bella DO?

_Well, I'm a firm believer that 'it's the journey, not the destination', so don't expect it to be too easy for Jacob…_

_Still, I'd love to know what you thought of this never-ending chapter! Review, please?_


	6. Jacob: Breakdown

_I apologise for the longer-than-usual wait. I spent most of the day Tuesday trying to find a universal AC adapter for my laptop (__for such values of 'universal' and 'LG-compatible' that are not mutually exclusive – don't ask!). Let me tell you: it's really freaky to hear your adapter start ticking like a bomb one morning, when the battery gauge is indicating less than 10%, of course. And then, well… life, you know. Hopefully Jake will make up for it in this chapter!_

_Stephenie Meyer is the gal who can claim _Twilight_ as her own._

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Six – Jacob

Somehow, it got all fucked up along the way.

Bella wasn't sure Edward was the guy for her anymore. It should have made me… well, maybe not 'happy' exactly, but… I had not anticipated that having Bells fall completely apart in my arms would tear me up like it did. I just wanted her to feel better, whatever it took. If that meant providing a shoulder to cry on in the most literal sense, fine. If it meant encouraging her to patch things up with the bloodsucker, then so be it. And if she needed to rant about her sex life in the process – well, the discomfort was all mine, and I could live with it.

It took all of my self-control not to say a word while she confessed how _unwanted_ Edward made her feel, how sometimes she wondered if there was something _wrong_ with her that made him constantly reject her. "It's so stupid," she said, her voice cracking on repressed sobs. "Here I am, pushing him, time and again, hoping he'll lose control, and yet knowing that he can't afford to – _I_ can't afford him to. He treats me as a china doll, and it's irritating beyond belief, but the fact is that I'm so _fragile_ to him…"

I wanted to tell her that she indeed was, that he would hurt her, that he was _dangerous_. But I didn't – she didn't need to hear it, she already knew. What she needed was to get it all off her chest, feel the catharsis of admitting all her fears and doubts to someone who wouldn't judge. To her best friend.

"It was so… wonderful at first," she continued, her tone turning wistful. I didn't think she was doing it consciously, but one of her hands was playing with the bottom of my shirt, stroking the material between her fingers, and she would brush against the skin of my stomach from time to time. It was making it a little hard to concentrate on her words. "I'd never had a boyfriend before him, and I was kind of shy, but knowing he had all that control, that he wouldn't act like any hormonal teenage boy and pressure me–" (hey! A little faith in the male half of the population, here?) "–it made me bolder, you know? I could take things at my own pace… until I reached the point where _Edward_ didn't feel comfortable anymore."

There were thousands of conflicting emotions in her voice as she acknowledged the source of her unhappiness. There was sadness, of course, but also guilt, and shame, and self-doubt. It made me want to tell her how wonderful she was, how beautiful, how sexy, how attractive. How just having her in my arms like this made my blood boil with desire.

"You were right the other day," she said in a whisper. I briefly wondered why she wasn't blushing from all this. "I _am_ feeling frustrated all the time. Sexually, I mean." (As if I had needed the clarification.) "Edward knows how to touch me, where to put his lips, where a soft touch will only tickle, where it will make me sigh in pleasure. He's loved me with his hands, with his lips, for hours at a time; I've had mind-blowing orgasms from just his breath on my skin. He knows my body better than I do myself."

God! Was she trying to _kill_ me? Part of me was grossed out by the idea of Deadward even laying his hands on her smooth flesh, but a bigger part was definitely aroused by the images she was painting, my imagination providing the details of her pale skin, her soft breasts, her creamy thighs. The girl was going to be the _death_ of me – but what a way to go!

She sighed deeply before continuing: "But it's just not _enough_ anymore. I know it makes me sound like a slut, but I just need _more_. And I tried – God, I'm not saying I'm an accomplished seductress or anything, but I was waiting for him half-naked, and I got him to lose the clothes, and into bed. I was all over him, and he just…" Tears were falling down her cheeks again, and I brushed them away for her. "We haven't made love – really, fully, I mean – in _months_ and it's driving us apart, and I just can't _continue_ like this!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, Bells," I told her softly, unable to keep silent anymore, "but you two should really talk this out." I would come to regret those words, I was pretty sure, but I just couldn't bear seeing her so heartbroken. "I mean, I think the guy's an idiot for treating you like that to start with, you know that, but he can't actually read _your_ mind honey, and if you don't _tell_ him how miserable you are, chances are he won't understand on his own. He _is_, after all, just a guy." It was really taking a lot of effort not to just kiss her and make her forget all about the leech. This was not the time, though.

She was quiet for a while after that, silent tears trailing down her face, getting my shirt all wet. I didn't mind at all – I could tell she had needed this for a while. I was just extremely glad we'd walked far enough to be out of supernatural hearing range, and that since I was out of the patrolling rotation for the next month, the pack wouldn't hear any of this from me. I was under no illusion that if I _did_ need to phase in the next few days, there was any chance I could keep my thoughts away from the subject.

When it didn't look like she would add anything, I suggested she stay over for the night, partly because I thought she was in no shape to drive anywhere, much less confront Edward before she'd had a good night's sleep, mostly because I couldn't bear to have her leave my arms quite yet. Fortunately for me, she agreed (on which part, I couldn't tell, but I liked to delude myself it was a bit of both), and she followed me home. She was exhausted after the emotional rollercoaster ride of her confessions, and before it could really register in my mind that _Bella Swan_ was changing into one of _my_ old t-shirts to sleep with _me_ between _my_ (totally disarrayed, _why_ didn't I make the bed this morning?) sheets, she was already asleep. I put my arms around her, and tried to follow her in sleep, hoping my dreams – which were sure to be filled with her – wouldn't embarrass me come morning.

* * *

The next day dawned absolutely, unquestionably, incredibly, _awesome_. It was a miracle I'd slept through it, but I guess having had Mel in my bed – or me in hers – most nights (when I was not patrolling) over the last few months had gotten my body in the habit of feeling soft curves pressed against me while sleeping – fact was, my only reaction to Bella turning into me and half-climbing over me during the night had been to sneak a hand under the t-shirt she was using as sleepwear and to grab a naked thigh with the other. Completely unconsciously, might I add.

What was _less_ unconscious, was the soft stroking my fingers picked up on her lower back and up her (did I mention naked?) thigh once I _did_ wake up. She had kicked the sheets all the way to the foot of the bed, probably too hot from my freakishly warm skin, and the t-shirt that had dropped to her knees when she'd put it on had hiked up past her waist when I'd slid my hand up her back, so that if I raised my head just a little, I had a perfect view of a smooth, round ass-cheek covered by blue polka dot boy shorts. Did I mention _awesome_?

It was early still, and I didn't want her to wake up yet, so I tried to stay very still (no force in this world would have gotten me to take my hands off her silky skin though) and just enjoy the moment. If my thumbs rubbed slow circles on the smooth satin of her body, it was – mostly – by reflex. A guy can't be expected not to react to a beautiful creature like my Bells pretty much attaching herself to me like this. After all, I _was_ just a guy (wolf notwithstanding), and she _was_ still the girl of my dreams. Even if she wasn't _mine_ yet.

Of course, I knew she was waking up the moment she did. Her breathing pattern changed, and I caught just the faintest scent of arousal. I tried to regulate my own breaths and feign sleep, but with her head on my chest, she could hear the erratic thumping of my heart, and she realised pretty quickly that I'd been awake all along. And that my hands weren't exactly in innocent positions.

"Hey, you can't blame a guy for making the most of a situation," I told her with an overly cheeky grin so she would laugh it off, all the while trying to resist the temptation of just squeezing her thigh and pulling it up the fraction of an inch it would take to rub against my painful erection, wondering if it would make her arousal scent stronger. Not mine yet, not mine yet, _not mine yet_. It was becoming a mantra.

She was subdued while we ate breakfast, and contrary to all my instincts that were telling me to kiss her until she forgot her own name (and definitely Eddy's), I gave her one last advice before she went home: "Just talk to him, Bells. Edward _loves_ you, and I can guarantee that he doesn't mean to make you feel this way."

She smiled, at least, before backing the Volvo out of our driveway and disappearing back to Forks. I had no idea what would come of her talk with the bloodsucker (_if_ she managed to talk to him today – she had been doubtful), but at least I could honestly say that I had played my role as the best friend to perfection. For what it was worth.

Being off the night-shift of patrol this month meant that I would be back working with the guys on the construction site in Port Angeles come Monday, so I tried to cram as much studying for my summer class as I could that afternoon. To be perfectly honest though, concentration was rather fickle. My mind was hopping from fantasies of how the morning in my bed could have gone if I'd let my instincts take over, to depressing images of Bella making up with Edward at that very moment. My emotions were all over the place: I was worried about Bells, unhappy because _she_ was unhappy, yet excited at the idea that this might be _it_, the moment I'd hoped for and dreamt of for _four fucking years_.

The nervousness I'd felt while waiting for her to arrive at the bonfire the day before also made a reappearance. Whatever fantasies of grand declarations and tearing off her clothes to show her how much I loved her I might have, the rational part of my brain knew I couldn't expect her to fall in my arms just after breaking things off with the leech. I was _hoping_ for it, sure, but as Emily had said, chances were that Bells would need her best friend before she'd want a new boyfriend. I was just really afraid I'd fuck things up somehow and that I'd either back myself into the 'just friends' corner forever, or move too fast and lose her altogether. Whatever the pixie's visions might say.

I went back and forth between elation and near-despair for hours, technical problems and mathematical equations becoming a kind of blur amongst it all. I was decidedly off my game, in any case, and when Bells fairly barged into the kitchen (where I was 'studying') and started _yelling_ at me, it took me way too much time to react.

"You _knew_ about this, didn't you?" she said, her tone clearly indicating that it wasn't a question. "I should have realised! You just… backed off one day, that summer, when you'd _said_ you'd fight. But you were suddenly all supportive and I should have _known_ something was up. You didn't give up, did you? You were just _waiting for your turn_!"

Ouch. When she said it like that, it sounded kind of creepy. And I had no idea what to say to defend myself. So I just sat there.

"I can't believe you," she continued on her tirade, her tone barely lowering. I heard Billy's wheelchair squeak in the living room – he was probably trying to leave without attracting her attention. "What a hypocrite! All these years, you've been my _best friend_, we've shared _everything_. You_ comforted me last night!_" Tears were starting to form in the corner of her eyes, but I would have been hard-pressed to say if they were tears of rage or of sadness. Probably the former, considering she was slowly turning purple.

I moved to gather her up in a hug, but her next words stopped me cold in my tracks.

"Don't _touch_ me."

Huh.

"Bells…" I started, having no freaking idea what I could say to her, to make things _right_ again, to make amends for something I truly couldn't feel guilty about. I sat back against the table, mere feet separating us, yet never having felt her so _distant_.

"So tell me, Jacob," she continued as if I hadn't spoken, "was it _that_ easy to make a pact with Edward for a few years of my love? Let me go away for college, knowing I'd be back after graduation and let you sweep me off my feet?" She was furious alright – I'd never heard such a condescending tone from her before, never heard her spit my name like it tasted _wrong_. It stirred something in me, something dark and hungry, something that had had quite enough of just _waiting_.

"He wasn't supposed to _tell_ you that," I said through clenched teeth. The deal had been that she would never know we'd met that day while she had been shopping with Alice. She would never know Edward and I had come to an agreement. We _weren't_ total morons.

"He didn't," she countered immediately. "I'm good at guessing, remember?"

Yeah, I remembered. I closed my eyes, letting out a deep breath to calm myself, frantically searching for the right words to make her see past this, past her hurt of having been kept in the dark, to the _good_ things this meant. To _us_ – Jake and Bells. Finally.

She spoke before I'd even opened my eyes again.

"I'm moving in with Charlie until I decide where I want to go now. I'm _warning_ you, Jacob Black. Don't you _dare_ set either foot or paw anywhere near that house."

_Fuck._

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_

So, I've already replied privately to the people who raised the question (is it wrong for me to assume you all are ladies? I mean, two of my MALE younger cousins are in love with the saga_, but…) but I thought I'd share this with the class (and try to be brief in doing so): Yes, I see Alice's visions (or lack thereof) as self-fulfilling prophecies – how could they NOT be? – and Yes, I think Edward, knowing Bella would eventually leave him, acted accordingly and kind of precipitated the fact. To do the story full justice in that regard, I'd need to write Edward's POV on things, but while writing Bella is doable and writing Jake is downright fun and easy, I have NO inner Edward voice whatsoever. I just don't like the character enough._

_Feel free to share your views on things in the reviews though. I make a point of replying to everyone, and it's always fun to share opinions!_


	7. Bella: Anger

_It's late and I have nothing to say except this: I hope you enjoy!_

Twilight_ is Stephenie Meyer's._

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Seven – Bella

The world as I knew it ceased to exist in that moment.

Edward had been cold, rational, and efficient. He'd spent the last few days, while he was avoiding me, gathering the things that had too much sentimental value to his family to be left in the house they wouldn't come back to for a few generations. He would have them shipped directly to England – that _was_ where they were headed, in the end – and fly to New Hampshire in the morning, himself. I was welcome to stay in the house as long as I desired (I told him no – I was moving back with Charlie that very day, thank you very much), and would I _please_ accept to keep the Volvo?

He won on that point only because I had no other transportation means, my old truck having rusted away, unused, years ago. But I gathered what few belongings I had here (mostly clothes and a few books) and packed the trunk of the car in less than an hour. There was no doubt in my mind that Alice had all the rest of my stuff in the process of being shipped back to Forks already.

Edward was standing still as a statue on the front steps as I put the last items in the car. I was incredibly angry at him, but the sheer agony that was entirely too transparent in his eyes, despite the passivity of his features, made it impossible to yell at him. It was breaking his heart to let me go, and yet he couldn't bring himself to even try to keep me – even if all it would take was one word. I didn't_ understand._

He didn't mean to rat Jake out with his last words to me, I'm sure, but the minute they registered in my mind, I _knew_. "Tell Jacob I'm grateful for the years I had. They were and will forever remain the best of my very long life."

And just like that, the wonderful creature I had been in love with for over five years walked out of my life, _again_. But this time, I was too mad to feel any despair, too enraged to feel the void of his absence. And since Edward had so conveniently removed himself as a target for my anger, I knew _exactly_ where to find one.

"You _knew_ about this, didn't you?" I started yelling the instant I stepped into the Blacks' kitchen, not even bothering to knock. Jacob had his school books spread out on the table, but he didn't look too engrossed in his studies. He seemed lost in thought, and he barely reacted to my monologue. "You didn't give up, did you? You were just _waiting for your turn_!"

He had the good sense to wince at _that_, at least.

I continued before he could start trying to justify himself. As if anything he could say would make any of this okay. _God!_ "What a hypocrite! All these years, you've been my _best friend_, we've shared _everything_. You_ comforted me last night!_"

I was so mad I couldn't see straight anymore; Jake was just a big black-and-brown blob sitting at the table, struck dumb by my fury. As I felt angry tears start running out of the corner of my eyes, Jake got up, and I realised the big dumb oaf who called himself my friend intended to _hug_ me.

"Don't _touch_ me," I warned him before his warm arms could dissolve all my righteous anger. My voice must have held enough conviction, because he froze three feet from me, sitting back against the table but keeping his hands to himself.

I wasn't finished yet, and I couldn't let him interrupt. I knew it would take very little from him for me to lose my nerve. "So tell me, Jacob, was it _that_ easy to make a pact with Edward for a few years of my love? Let me go away for college, knowing I'd be back after graduation and let you sweep me off my feet?"

Those words made quite an impact: he suddenly looked as furious as I felt.

"He wasn't supposed to _tell_ you that." Good thing he was nearly indestructible because the grinding I could plainly hear couldn't be good for his teeth.

"He didn't. I'm good at guessing, remember?" I countered. He knew better than anyone that given enough clues, I'd know what was going on. I'd guessed Edward was a vampire when I hadn't even believed they existed; I'd guessed Jake was a wolf when he'd been banned from telling me anything about it.

He closed his eyes then, breathing deeply to reign in his temper, but I'd come here to say my piece, and I was done. "I'm moving in with Charlie until I decide where I want to go now. I'm _warning_ you, Jacob Black. Don't you _dare_ set either foot or paw anywhere near that house."

I was out the door and backing out the driveway before he could react, which came somewhat as a surprise when I thought about it afterwards. If he had wanted to stop me, he was certainly capable of it. Whatever his reasons for not trying to, I was grateful: I'd barely made it over the treaty line – a spot I'd learned to recognise very well – when my anger dissolved into tears, and I had to stop by the side of the road before I hit something.

I wasn't sure how long I stayed there, the hard rain thumping on the car echoing my mood perfectly. When I had my sobbing under control and I'd nearly emptied the tissue box in the glove compartment (why had vampires needed that in the car anyway?) trying to mask the signs of my crying-fest, I got back on the road, and headed home – my _old_ home. I hoped Charlie wouldn't object to having his daughter back as a roommate.

* * *

As it turned out, Charlie _didn't_ mind – much. He and Sue had a 'sometimes my house, sometimes your house' kind of thing going on (I suspected Sue scheduled around Seth's and Leah's werewolf duties, so as to avoid any sightings that might scare Charlie to death), but they were both adamant that I was welcome and not to fret about finding a place of my own yet. I was grateful – I didn't want to have to use the savings account that had miraculously appeared when I'd first moved east. I didn't _want_ Edward's money – especially now.

Neither said a thing about my breakup with Edward, but I could tell Charlie was not heartbroken about it as long as I was not reprising my role as zombie-Bella. As for Sue, I had no idea what she might have thought of my dating a vampire in the first place, beyond her natural bias as a Quileute. I wondered if she'd be rooting for Jacob now, too.

It took barely half of the evening to have all my possessions neatly stored in my childhood bedroom, and with nothing to occupy my mind, I found myself thinking about what I'd learned that day, the implications, and the consequences. As I realised that for the last four years, the two men I'd trusted most in my life had been lying to me to some extent, my earlier anger returned, along with a healthy dose of indignation. What the _hell_ had they been thinking? Did they expect me to just go from one to the other, changing boyfriends like I changed shirts, as if Edward had meant _nothing_ to me?

I didn't care that Alice had 'seen' it. I _wasn't_ letting Jacob anywhere _near_ me until… well, that was a problem, right there. As much of a stupid, moronic, idiot of a caveman-slash-wolf I thought he was right now, the dumb dolt was still my best friend. As weird as it sounded, he was the one person I wished I could speak to about this right now. What a mess it was! I felt like I had to revaluate everything that had happened in the last four years, every conversation about the future Edward and I had ever had, every 'harmless flirting' Jake had ever engaged in with me. Had Jake really been hiding the strength of his feelings all those years, just biding his time? Had Edward not loved me enough to want me to stay with him?

It was hard not to see everything Edward had done through new eyes: we'd slowly grown apart in the last year, and I'd thought it had been due to my decision not to become one of them, but… Had he done it on purpose? To make things easier on us both, when the time came for me to leave him? What if he _hadn't_ – would I still have felt that our relationship was going nowhere, would I still have stayed in Forks as the Cullens moved to England?

And Jake – had 'knowing' I'd choose him in the end changed his actions? The girlfriends he'd told me about from time to time, had he really _tried_ to make it work with them? What about Mel, whom I had thought he'd really liked? How could he have done this to her, to them, to _himself_?

Alice's visions were a curse, I decided. And while I remembered once stating I'd never bet against her, I _really_ wanted to right now.

The following days were filled with questions I had no answers to, recollections of past interactions with Edward and Jacob, alone _and_ together, trying to analyse the hidden meanings I might have overlooked then, seeing every word, every action in a new light.

My nights… were plagued by dreams. Or, I should say, _the_ dream.

It always started the same way my last day with Edward had: me, barely wearing anything, waiting as enticingly as I could for my boyfriend, on the couch of the Cullens' Forks home. But as our kissing grew more involved, our hands more bold, the scene changed to our bedroom in the beautiful house we'd lived in near Dartmouth, with our huge four-poster bed and the dark-green down comforter. My clothes dissolved into nothingness the way things sometimes did in dreams, and Edward's clothes followed. His skin was pleasantly cool where we touched, his lips teasing my ear, his hand skimming the side of my breast, his hips aligned with mine. I was propped up on the pillows, affording me a wonderful view of his strong back and sinfully delectable backside while he kissed his way down my body, slowly but inexorably driving me crazy with desire. I was already wet – anticipation for his lips on my most sensitive parts, his caresses in places I had never known to be erogenous, had me moaning his name, half-appreciative, half-pleading for more.

And then, inevitably, the dream shifted: Edward's marble-hard lips were replaced by soft pliable ones, his cold touch became warm, his snow-white skin turned russet. Instead of continuing on the path Edward had taken (the one he'd _always_ taken to bring me pleasure in the last months, his tongue teasing my clitoris as his fingers penetrated my core), Jacob retraced the trail of kisses up my chest, lazily licking each nipple, using his hands to warm my chilled skin with long, slow strokes down my sides, past my hips to my thighs and back again to palm my breasts. He was taking his time, exploring my skin, tasting, touching, until he reached my neck, my ears, my cheeks, my lips. He kissed me slowly, languorously, with all the confidence and love of someone who is right where he is meant to be.

"This is what you've been waiting for, Bells," he whispered in my ear as he entered me, slowly, inch by inch, until I felt full, complete, _one_ with him. Then he sat back on his heels, his arm around my waist bringing me up with him, until I was sitting in his lap, our difference in height cancelled by the position. My breasts were pleasurably crushed against his chest, my legs wrapped around his hips, my fingers fisting his hair at the nape of his neck, and my lips doing their own exploration along his cheekbones, down the slope of his nose, up his strong jaw to his ear. His thrusts between my thighs were slow, but deep, eliciting moans from deep in my throat with each motion of his hips, gravity working in tandem with his hands to keep us joined as completely as possible.

The scene changed again, although Jacob and I remained in the same position and his rhythm never faltered. We were in his bedroom now, the full moon illuminating us through the window, casting a soft light on the white sheets that were in full disarray around us.

"This is were you belong," I heard Edward say, and I turned my head to see him leaning back against the closed door of Jacob's bedroom, observing us with a small smile, telling me with his eyes that he approved, that this was what he had wanted for me.

I always woke up then, horrified, yet aroused to the point of frustration. Every night, I cursed Alice and her sight again, hating Edward and Jacob for plotting behind my back, despising _myself_ for seeing how easy it could be. Every night, I had to take care of business myself, unable to fall back asleep until I found release. Every night, I tried to remember cold fingers in place of my own, but always ended up picturing warm ones as the tremors of orgasm started.

By Thursday, I couldn't stand it anymore. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Angela? It's Bella. Are you up for a girls' night out?"

_

* * *

_

Do you think I'm evil yet?


	8. Jacob: Pact

_Wow, this is one LONG chapter. __You can all thank (or blame) __**cretin**__ for it. Among her numerous questions and thoughts (and her indignation on Mel's behalf) that kept me up past 1 AM last weekend, she mentioned wanting to know WHY Jake had agreed to the deal with Edward. It made me realise that since I wasn't going to write Eddy's POV, recounting their fateful meeting would serve to explain both of their motivations. I hope it doesn't disappoint, honey._

Twilight_ is Stephenie Meyer's. I'm only responsible for the craziness I put her characters through._

**

* * *

**

Eight – Jacob

Without doing or saying a single thing, I had royally screwed up.

I couldn't blame Bells for being pissed at me – there was a reason why she _wasn't_ supposed to find out about my deal with Edward, and her reaction in my kitchen was pretty much _it_. But now that I had to deal with the consequences, I had no freaking clue what to do.

No, brokering that truce with Eddy and then lying by omission to Bells about it for four years hadn't been the best and brightest idea I'd ever had. I'd known that from the beginning. But I'd been so _afraid_… afraid that she'd do something rash, that she'd take the step that would ensure I'd lose her completely and forever. I'd been ready to do _anything_ for her to stay human. Including letting the bloodsucker have her for a time. His call that fateful day had turned out to be the answer to my prayers.

_He hadn't said much beyond wanting us to meet face-to-face. A place and time: the clearing where we'd defeated the newborn army last month, one hour from now. I'd hung up without giving him an answer, but he knew I'd be there. If he wanted to settle custody of Bella's heart with a fight, he'd get one. Treaty or no treaty._

_Just to be on the safe side, I ran to the clearing on my own two feet, not wanting the pack mind to pick up on what was going on and warning Sam. I wasn't sure who was on patrol right now, but I figured by the time the fighting started and I had to phase, they'd be too late and too far away to do anything about it anyway._

_The bloodsucker was already there when I stepped out of the tree line, standing unnaturally still with his back to me. Had the moron never heard of the most basic combat strategies?_

"_I've been hearing your thoughts for over a minute, Jacob. You couldn't sneak up on me, even if the wet-dog smell hadn't heralded your arrival," he calmly said, just the hint of a smirk apparent in his voice. He was still looking away from me. "Besides which, you'd be in your wolf form if you had any intention of attacking first."_

_Fine. It was still basic politeness to face your interlocutor. And to keep out of their head, while you were at it._

"_I've already told you: your thoughts are very loud. I'll try, though," he conceded, finally turning around to face me. The expression on his face nearly floored me. He looked like his world had just ended._

"_What happened to Bella?" I asked instantly, taking two steps in his direction before stopping and clenching my hands into tight fists. I wouldn't get answers if his head was detached from his shoulders._

"_Bella's fine," he quickly assured me, sitting down on an old log and motioning for me to take a seat on a boulder across from him. Apparently, we were in for a long talk. "She's in Port Angeles, shopping with Alice. She wasn't exactly thrilled to go, but my sister can be persuasive." The words made sense (I now remembered Bella mentioning the coming trip, yesterday), but they didn't fit with the deep sorrow I could read in his eyes._

"_Then what's going on?" I asked aloud, because there was no way I was going to let him have a half-conversation with every single thought that popped up in my mind. "Why did you want to meet?"_

_He sighed deeply, a needless reflex he was probably only half-aware of. "Bella isn't happy," he simply stated, as if I hadn't already known that, as if I wasn't telling her almost every day that she needed to leave his ass and acknowledge that she loved __**me**__ too._

"_Jacob…" he said warningly, and I smiled cheekily, shrugging. I wasn't all that good at controlling my thoughts around my pack brothers either._

"_I told you to stay out of my head – you won't like what's in it," I replied. What did he expect? "So Bells isn't dancing with joy. I'm guessing you're not here to tell me you're leaving her in my care and stepping out, so what do you want, exactly?"_

"_Actually," he started, his eyes fixed on me, studying my reactions very carefully, "that's kind of what I __**am**__ here to discuss with you."_

_Wow. I'd officially stepped into the Twilight Zone._

_He laughed softly at my thoughts, although the mirth didn't lessen the despair in his gaze. "Alice has had visions of Bella's future as a vampire almost since we met," he started his explanation, gesturing for me to keep quiet when I would have interrupted. "But those visions disappeared when I refused to change Bella myself, and now… well Alice can't see her future at all anymore."_

"_What does that mean?" I was thinking of the numerous threats that might be coming Bella's way: those Italian vamps, other nomads, something __**else**__ we'd never heard of yet. We would protect her, of course; I'd never let anything happen to her._

"_We'll take care of the Volturi, don't worry about them," he said, reading my thoughts again. I frowned, but there really wasn't anything I could do to stop him, apparently. "Actually, Alice thinks – and I have to agree – that this doesn't mean Bella's life is in danger. Her future is simply being shielded."_

_I understood instantly: we wolves were invisible to the pixie's sight, and we made anyone near us invisible as well. Bella's future lay with the pack – with __**me**__. Finally!_

"_Not yet," Eddy interrupted the little dance of victory that was going on in my head. I was pretty sure the smug grin on my lips wasn't going anywhere for a very long while though. "Bella's decided to go to college, and Alice __**did**__ see her graduating from Dartmouth."_

_Okay. So Bells wanted a higher education after all. That was sensible. There were plenty of colleges on this side of the country though, she didn't have to go east. I might be able to talk her into going to Seattle instead, we'd be able to see each other on weekends, I–_

"_Jacob!" Edward interrupted my inner voice again. "I'm here to propose a deal to you, one that I hope will ensure Bella's happiness for many years."_

_I grumbled that __**I**__ would make her happy under my breath, if only to have the satisfaction of saying it out loud and not simply knowing he'd read the thought, but motioned with my hand for him to state his terms. I was curious what his twisted mind might have come up with._

"_I want her to come with my family to New Hampshire, go to Dartmouth, graduate, just as Alice has seen it. I want those years of her life, Jacob. In exchange, I'll step down afterwards, leave the country altogether, let you both grow old together."_

_I was stunned. Couldn't decide if I believed it could be so easy, or if this might be an elaborate plan to take me out of the picture once and for all. "What's to stop you from turning her into a bloodsucker like you while she's all the way across the country?" I finally voiced one of a thousand questions popping up in my mind. There __**had**__ to be a catch, right?_

"_Bella doesn't realise this on a conscious level yet," the leech informed me, his gaze travelling to the forest behind me, as if he couldn't bear to look at me, "but she doesn't want to become a vampire anymore. She changed her mind when I asked–" he cut himself off then, pausing for a beat. "She's realised she's still very young," he finally added. "And I don't want to turn her, Jacob, you have to know that. I love her too much to wish for her to become a soulless monstrosity like me."_

"_So what are you saying?" I asked after his words had sunk in. 'Until your heart stops beating,' I'd told her – seemed like I'd won after all. "You'll be the loving boyfriend for the next four years while you're all getting educated, and I'm just going to have to wait here like a dutiful little dog? Pardon me if I say that that plan __**sucks**__!"_

_Eddy cracked a smile for the briefest of moments. Glad he found me entertaining._

"_I'm sure you realise that she's unhappy with the way things are between us three, that we're tearing her apart by vying for her attention," he waited for my nod of agreement. Yeah, sure, the situation wasn't exactly easy on Bells. "I'm not going to ask you to disappear from her life for years," he continued. "You'd never accept, and it would hurt her."_

_Damn right, I wouldn't! I was still her best friend, and she loved me, too._

"_I'm well-aware of this, believe me," he replied to my thoughts, looking sheepish for a second when he realised he'd done it again. Huh, what do you know, he actually __**was**__ trying to keep out of my head. "I wouldn't expect her to turn to you if you ignored her all that time either, so I'll accept your place as a __**friend**__ in her life, if you'll promise to stop pursuing her romantically until she decides to leave me."_

_Again with the speechlessness. The leech was full of surprises today._

"_What makes you so sure she will, though?" I eventually couldn't help but ask. "Decide to leave you, I mean." I'd been trying to convince her to do exactly that for months, after all._

"_She already __**has**__, that's the whole point," he replied, and suddenly I understood where the sorrow and anguish so easily visible in his eyes, on his features, were coming from. Consciously or not, Bells had already made the decision that would lead her to a future with me. Edward was simply buying some time with her. I couldn't help but feel pity: his heart must be in shatters._

_I pondered the pros and cons of his proposition for a few moments, fully aware that Edward was following my reasoning every step of the way. Bella was already his – she loved me too, sure, but I hadn't been able to make her __**see**__ it yet, and the leech was right: it __**was**__ wearing her down, us competing for her time and affections. If something didn't change soon, she was likely to do something drastic, like cut me off from her life altogether, or ask any one of the Cullens to change her, if Edward wouldn't. And I couldn't begrudge her wanting to go to college; four years were a fucking long time though. If I was her friend, I could keep close, make sure Edward actually __**was**__ making her happy. Long-distance friendship was bound to be easier than long-distance relationships. __**And I'd have her in the end.**_

"_Bells can never know about this," I stated, knowing Edward had caught my agreement to his terms from my mind. I didn't think I was up to promising out loud._

"_Of course not. She'd dismember us both, and joyfully roast marshmallows on our glowing embers," he agreed, grinning wholeheartedly for the first time since I'd stepped into the clearing. I had just brokered a deal with the devil._

I should have known it would come back to bite me in the ass. And Eddy had been sure to disappear and leave _me_ with an angry Bella on my hands. Still shying away from the battles, the fucker.

In the days following Bella's breakup and her tirade in my kitchen, I thought up and ultimately rejected countless schemes to win her back. She'd been very clear that I was not to show up at Charlie's, and she'd refused to come to the phone the fives times I'd called that evening (Charlie had made it clear he'd stop answering if I called the house again, but her cell phone and voice mail had been turned off), so it didn't leave me with many options. Sam was utterly useless when I asked for advice on our way to work on Monday – apart from a heartfelt 'I told you so' in regards to Bells' reaction to finding out about my promise (I'd _known_ that, thank you!), he claimed to want to stay out of it. The rest of the guys were just as useless, and soon had enough of my "constant moaning for the beautiful but heartless Bella", to paraphrase Paul, and threatened to throw me off the ten-storey building we were working on.

It wouldn't have killed me, but it might have hurt a little, and maybe Bells would have felt bad enough to play nurse. Yeah… not likely.

I wasn't anywhere near finding a solution when the phone rang on Thursday, right after another silent dinner with Billy. Apparently, _everyone_ now thought I'd been an idiot to keep this secret all those years, even if they _all_ had been in on it and hadn't said a thing either.

"Jacob, what did you _do?_"

I recognised the voice instantly, despite not having heard it in… well, obviously not long enough. I knew it was impossible, but I'd swear I could smell the stench of bloodsucker through the phone.

"What do you mean, _Eddy?_" Why the _hell_ was he calling me; hadn't he done enough already?

"Alice just _saw_ Bella. So let me ask again: What. Did. You. Do?" He enunciated each word like I was a retarded three-year-old with a hearing problem. Idiot.

I'd been miserable for five days for something _he_ had as much if not more responsibility in; I wasn't going to let him off the hook. "_I_ didn't do anything, you dead husk of an excuse for a human being." (Yeah, I'd had entirely too much time to think up these insults.) "You're the one who let the cat out of the bag and fled the scene like the coward I've always known you are."

That stopped him short. "What do you mean?" he echoed my earlier question. What conversationalists we were! "I didn't tell her about our agreement."

"Well, you said _something_, and she guessed the rest. She barged in my kitchen like a raging bull and yelled at me until she was _purple_. Believe me: she wasn't happy with us." Well, she'd been mad at _me_ for sure, and hadn't actually said anything about him, but he was on the other side of the country and couldn't read my thoughts for once. I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity.

"That– I'm sorry Jacob, that's not how it was supposed to happen, I think." No kidding.

"Yeah well, what's done is done," I sighed. He sounded genuinely contrite, at least. And he couldn't do anything to help – I'd rather he not try, really. "What were you saying, about the pixie seeing Bella?"

"Right – well this explains it, actually. Bella's decided to go out for drinks with Angela. Alice saw men flirting with her–"

"_Where?_" I growled, interrupting him. I'd fucked up, sure. Didn't mean I was going to let some lowlife put his dirty paws on my Bells.

I could hear the tinkle tone of the pixie's voice in the background, but couldn't quite make out her words. "_Vala's_," Edward repeated for my benefit. "It's a small place in Port Angeles, Alice and Rosalie used to go there sometimes, for some girl-time. Bella's going to be there tomorrow – Alice saw the Friday's specials on the blackboard behind her and Angela."

Alright – that gave me twenty-four hours to come up with a foolproof plan to win back my girl. The wild schemes I'd been thinking up since the beginning of the week ran through my mind like a slideshow, each more crazy than the previous. This _had_ to work.

I'd nearly forgotten I was on the phone when the bloodsucker's sharp exclamation brought me out of my daze. "_Jacob!_ Alice asks to, and I quote: 'just make up your damn mind'. The stroboscope effect of Bella's night out appearing and disappearing again over and over is giving her a headache," he said, repressed laughter making him sound like a hyena on drugs.

"Sure, sure. Thanks for the heads-up," I said, hanging up before I lost my temper and decided to rip him a new one from a distance for putting me in this situation to start with. I had some planning to do.

* * *

In the end I decided that a grand demonstration of any kind in such a public setting was more likely to embarrass Bella and make her even angrier at me than anything, so I simply packed my nicer pair of jeans and a button-down shirt, asked Tom, our supervisor at the construction site, if I could take a shower and change at his place after work, grabbed dinner in a fast-food joint, and spent the remaining hours until sundown pacing up and down the town's waterfront. The pixie hadn't specified what time Bella and Angela would show up at _Vala's_, but I had thought it out and figured they wouldn't leave Forks before dinner. Taking into account the hour-long drive, I wasn't expecting them before eight or nine o'clock. And I didn't want to be there already when they went in: Bella was capable of turning around without giving me a chance to explain. No – better to have her cornered, giving me time to apologise, at least.

Somehow, I hadn't anticipated what being confronted with Alice's vision of men surrounding the girls, making Bella smile, catching her attention, would do to me. I saw red, and for a moment, I was afraid I'd phase on the spot. I'd always been jealous when it came to Bells, but with the truce with Edward, I'd learned to control it, to get past it. But these men… In that instant Bella turned her head to say something to Angela, her clear laugh echoing over the din in the high-ceilinged large room, and her roaming eyes caught mine. My anger melted away like snow on a summer day, and as I walked from the door to the high table she and Angela were holding court at, everything ceased to exist but her.

She was absolutely magnificent, in a knee-length dark-blue dress that clung to her full curves very nicely. Her arms were bare, a light jacket was draped over the back of the stool she was perched on; the creamy tone of her skin was a lovely contrast with the deep color of the dress, the dark brown of her unbound hair. She smelled wonderful too, her usual strawberry and vanilla scent easily recognisable even in the packed room, a hint of musky arousal mixing in with it and making me growl low in my chest. I didn't care how caveman it sounded, she was supposed to be _mine_.

"What are you doing here?" she fairly spat at me when I reached the table. Only Angela remained – all their looser admirers had scattered at my approach. Smart of them.

"I want to apologise," I said very calmly, figuring I needed to start with that if I wanted a chance to explain everything else. "Since you won't let me talk to you at Charlie's place, I figured I'd catch you here." From the corner of my eye, I could see Angela smirking, her eyes shifting from Bella to me and back as if watching a tennis match. I briefly wondered what Bells had told her.

"How did you know– Never mind," she caught herself, eyeing Angela. This wasn't exactly the place to discuss how her psychic ex-sister-in-law had told me where to find her. Actually, this wasn't the place to hold any kind of deep conversation – way too many witnesses.

"Can we go somewhere to talk?" I asked, my tone no less than begging her to let me explain, to let me ask for her forgiveness. Her eyes were hard and cold as she glared at me, none of the usual happiness at seeing her best friend visible anywhere on her features. My heart was pounding in fear that it might be too late already.

"I'm not leaving Angela here on her own," she replied curtly, shifting in her seat to face ahead again – away from me. The dismissal was plain as day.

Her friend's next words made me want to _kiss_ her: "It's alright, Bella. Ben's already on his way, he'll be here in less than half an hour. Don't worry about me," she added, laying a gentle hand on Bella's arm, "I'll just finish my drink and wait for him at the bar."

"Are you sure?" Bella was pondering whether or not she wanted to go with me, I could tell. I kept silent, not wanting to acerbate her any further.

Angela nodded firmly, then turned to me. "You better make sure she makes it back home safely, Jacob Black," she said very seriously. "Or I'll hunt you down and _hurt_ you." The idea of soft and shy Angela Weber threatening big-bad-wolf me was laughable, but I got the message loud and clear.

"Yes ma'am," I answered seriously. Bella was still looking away from me though, and hadn't indicated that she was willing to follow me, yet. "Bells?" I asked softly, extending a hand in her direction, hoping she'd take the invitation. "Will you please take a walk with me?"

I let out a huge sigh of relief when she put her slender hand into mine, softly confirming that Angela would be alright before grabbing her purse and jacket and stepping down from her high stool. She didn't say a word to me as I led her to the door and then down the couple of street blocks to the walkway along the waterfront. There were few people about, the night being on the chilly side for this time of year, and I'd spotted some benches a little further down earlier in the evening, where I thought we would have the necessary privacy for our talk. It wasn't exactly First Beach, but it was the best I could do for the moment. At least it wasn't raining.

"I'm very, very, _very_ sorry," I apologised again, when we'd seated ourselves and I'd helped her into her jacket to keep her from getting cold. I doubted she'd let me warm her up in my arms for the time being. "Bells, I know I fucked up, honey. All I can say in my defence is that I did it for you."

Those were apparently not the right words to say.

"For me, he says! For _me!_" she exclaimed, her voice instantly as loud as it had been in my kitchen. "You've been lying to me for _years_, pretending to be my best friend–"

"There was no 'pretending' about it," I interrupted her, my voice growly and just as loud as hers.

"You're still in love with me!" she countered in an accusing tone, rising to stand before me, her hands on her hips and looking absolutely gorgeous.

Now was _definitely_ not the time to grab her face and kiss the living daylights out of her, so I tried to stay calm as I attempted to reason with her: "They're not mutually exclusive, you know. In fact, I hear they make for stronger, longer, and _happier_ relationships." There. Now she knew where I stood.

Her reaction was to raise her hands in a frustrated gesture of incomprehension and turn her back to me. She didn't start walking away though, so I let her take whatever time she needed to come to terms with what I'd said. I had always been patient when it came to her.

"Jake," she eventually said in a more normal tone of voice, still looking out towards the water, "you can't just…" She sighed, and faced me again. There were tears leaking down her cheeks.

I started to get up to put my arms around her, but remembering her reaction the last time I'd tried to do so, I stopped myself and asked: "Bells, can I please hug you?" It was breaking my heart to see her like this, to not be able to offer the comfort I'd grown accustomed to giving her.

Her answer was a shrug and a half-nod, but it was enough for me. I gathered her close to my chest, closing my eyes and sighing deeply when I felt her arms wrap around my waist. Her sobs intensified, wetting my nice shirt (I couldn't care less) and leaving her limp as a noodle in my embrace. I took the opportunity to pick her up and sit back on the bench, positioning her legs across mine and tucking her in under my left arm. The skin of her bare legs was freezing to the touch, and I endeavoured to warm it by stroking up and down from her ankles to her knees with my right hand. She didn't need to get sick on top of everything.

"I don't understand," she said after several minutes. "I don't get how you and Edward could do this behind my back, _why_ you'd do this at all." She sounded frustrated, like she had been trying to find an answer to that question for days. She probably had. "I don't care what Alice saw or didn't see, you two had _no right_ to make these decisions for me, to act as if I was just a toy to be passed around!"

Ouch. She didn't pull her punches, did she?

"It wasn't like that, Bells, I swear," I pleaded with her to understand. This was so fucked up. "We just wanted you to be happy, and let's face it, competing for you like we were doing wasn't going to end well. Sooner or later, either Eddy and I were going to fight it out, or you'd give me an ultimatum I wasn't going to be able to live with. Either way, you'd feel torn between us. We just agreed to make it easier on you – the decisions were always yours, honey."

She frowned at my words, trying to wrap her mind around them. "What do you mean, the decisions were mine?" She sounded more perplexed than angry now, and she _was_ letting me warm her up, but the cautious part of me didn't let me think I was out of the minefield for a second.

"The way Edward explained it, your future disappeared for Alice because you'd _already decided_ to choose me in the end," I said, being careful to keep any smugness out of my voice. I had the feeling I was walking on eggshells – highly explosive eggshells. "But you wanted to go to college, and who was I to deny you that? So you went east with the Cullens, and I promised to stop pressuring you to leave the leech, and just be your friend. In exchange, he promised to let you go peacefully when you _did_ decide to break it off with him." I shrugged, knowing it wasn't exactly rational. It had been an assurance of sorts that she would stay human though, and that had been enough for me. "All we knew was that you would graduate from Dartmouth first, and there was always the chance that you'd change your mind during that time, but…"

"So what, you just sat back and waited? Had a few girlfriends in the meantime, to pass the time? _God, Jake!_" She was angry again, and I didn't know what to tell her. I had dated exactly five girls in the last four years, three of whom I had had sex with, _all_ of whom had known _exactly_ what they were getting into from the start. Mel had been the only one to make a real impact on me, and in other circumstances, maybe I _would_ have wanted to explore a relationship with her. She hadn't been interested though. Ours had been a classic case of bad timing, on both sides.

"I'm not going to apologise for dating, Bells," I said calmly, "because I'm not sorry about it. But you _always_ were the one for me, that never changed. I didn't 'just sit back and wait' – I started by being the best friend I could be, and hoped that you'd feel the same way I do eventually." She was quiet against my chest, fidgeting with the hem of her dress on her thighs. "I love you," I stated firmly, needing it to be clear. Whether she forgave me or not, at least she'd know exactly where I stood.

She sighed heavily, and dislodged herself from my embrace, getting up to face me. The look in her beautiful eyes told me everything I needed to know. She wasn't going to forgive me. "I need time, Jake. It's too much to process, it's…" There were tears on her cheeks again, and she brushed them off quickly before I could offer to do it for her. "You can't expect me to fall for you when I've just gotten out of a five-year relationship. You're my _friend_, and I don't know how…" She sighed again. There was a deep frown of confusion on her brow. "I feel like I'm mourning two relationships at the same time. I just lost my boyfriend _and_ my best friend."

"You didn't lose me, Bells," I quickly reassured her, extending a hand to grab one of hers, but staying seated. I couldn't bear not to touch her. "_Please_, honey. If that's all you want from me, it's fine. We can continue the way things have been. Just– I don't think I can survive you leaving me completely." My heart was pounding so loudly against my ribcage, I was sure she could hear it.

"I don't think I could survive it either," she said, squeezing my hand briefly before letting go completely. "But I need time. I'll call you," she added, turning around and walking away from me.

So, I couldn't help but think, _that_ was how it felt to have your heart break into a million pieces.

_

* * *

_

Remember when I thought this was going to be just a short and sweet little Jake & Bells story_, somewhere 20K words ago? Yeah… I really should have known better._

_Share your thoughts, please? Next up will be Bella's take on things, naturally, but don't hesitate to let me know if you think she's letting him off too easily, or if she should have forgiven him at hello, or something! My mind is already set, mind you, but I'm really curious how you all perceive it._


	9. Bella: Apology

_Now, be honest with me: is the repetition of scenes bugging you? I try to make them as different as possible, not replaying ALL the dialogue and giving, obviously, a different POV, but it feels like I'm repeating myself a lot… I think it needed to be done __in this part to get where Bella's head is at, but it bugs me. And it makes for another long chapter. *sigh* I think I just need to accept that I can't shut up, and move on…_

_As ever, _Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer. The song 'Werewolves of London', which happened to play as I was finishing this chapter and made me smile at the irony, is by Warren Zevon (useless trivia fact #421)._

**

* * *

**

Nine – Bella

I'd never felt so angry and confused at the same time.

Angela already had plans on Thursday, so we agreed to get together on Friday night. There was a nice little pub in Port Angeles she knew, and we would drive up after dinner – Ben would meet up with us later in the evening, leaving us some time alone for the girl-talk I so desperately needed.

While I'd tried to occupy myself by doing a late but thorough spring-cleaning of Charlie's house during the week (between being plagued by frustrating dreams and getting exasperated by my thoughts going in circles), I'd briefly considered calling Alice to ask her opinion on things, and maybe to rant at her a little for being in on it with the guys. Ultimately, I'd decided against it because it felt too soon after my breakup with Edward to be contacting his family, and I wasn't sure I could take being angry with another friend right now. I'd get to her eventually, though.

I kind of would have liked to have Alice with me when came time to decide what to wear for my night out, however. She had gotten to me during our college years, and my wardrobe had expended dramatically from what it had been in high school. I didn't have the entirety of my clothes at my disposal (most of them were in a crate somewhere between the states of New Hampshire and Washington right now), but I had enough to have several options to choose from. Don't get me wrong – I still felt more comfortable wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and I still slept in old ratty sweats and a sweater so old it was full of holes (although the sleeping attire might have been because the man I'd been sleeping next to for the last five years or so was cold as ice, now that I thought about it). Tonight was not a 'jeans and t-shirt' occasion, though.

I certainly wasn't going to go off and sleep with the first guy to show interest, but I was lucid enough to realise that my self-esteem needed a boost right now. I'd been through the whole gamut of emotions about the situation, but I absolutely _refused_ to feel ashamed about that. My boyfriend hadn't wanted me enough to fight for me; I _needed_ to know it didn't mean I wasn't desirable. Hence the girls' night out. Angela was newly engaged, but she'd understood my need when I'd given her the quick-and-dirty version of recent events (Edward and I had grown apart and finally decided to call things off; he'd let slip that he expected me to fall in Jacob's arms; I'd found out they had some kind of agreement about it and had ordered Jacob to stay the hell away from me). Angela had said _Vala's_ was usually packed with young men always willing to chat up a pretty girl or two, and I'd decided a dress was _definitely_ necessary.

In the end, I decided on a knee-length short-sleeved dress that Alice had bought for me a few months ago. She'd said the dark-blue fabric complimented my colouring nicely, and it enhanced my figure without leaving me feeling like I was exposing too much skin. I still refused to tempt fate by wearing high heels, so I just slipped on a pair of flat sandals, grabbed a light jacket because the beginning of July in the Olympic Peninsula still meant the night was going to be pretty cold, and I was out the door before Charlie had any time to question my unusual attire. The last thing I needed was to have to explain to my father why I needed to feel like a _girl_ tonight. He was likely to try to have a _conversation_ about my breakup, and it was a toss-up on who would feel more awkward about that.

I picked Angela up at her parents' house at seven-thirty sharp, and she didn't even wait for the Volvo to hit the highway before she started to question me. Apparently, there was a level of gossip-worthy news even Angela Weber could not refrain from wanting to know more about.

"What happened?" she simply asked, but I knew she wouldn't be content with just a few generic sentences. So I tried to be as honest as I could without revealing any of the supernatural stuff. I fortunately had a lot of practice in that area.

"Where do you want me to start?" I sardonically said, the bubble of hurt and anger squeezing my insides again. "With the fact that my boyfriend didn't love me enough to _try_ to patch things up, or that he and my best friend apparently had this deal all these years that Edward would give his blessing for Jake to move in when things didn't work out?" God, just saying it out loud made me want to punch them both in the face, resulting broken hand notwithstanding. What had they been _thinking?_

"Don't take this the wrong way," Angela said in the soft tone that I always associated with her, "but you don't seem all that broken up about Edward leaving." The pitch of her voice was somewhere between apologetic that she was prying, and downright curious. She was so sweet.

I took a deep breath. She was right, of course. I was so far from the zombie impersonation I had indulged in the first time he'd left me, I wasn't even in the same solar system. "I think– It was a long time coming, I think. We haven't really been happy together for a while now, and I realised that I wasn't expecting us to go on like that much longer." I took my eyes off of the road for a moment, trying to judge her reaction from her expression. I only saw understanding and support. "It still hurts that he didn't even fight, you know?" Tears started to gather in my eyes, and I blinked rapidly to disperse them. I didn't want to have to stop by the side of the highway because I couldn't see where I was driving.

"I find it so hard to believe," she said, almost pensively, when we'd put a few more miles behind us. "Edward always seemed so much _in_ _love_ with you, you know? From the beginning, really – you always seemed like the sole person in his personal universe. Like he _would_ actually give you the moon if you only asked."

I smiled a little at her imagery. It _had_ seemed like that – except that while high-school-Bella had been content with the moon, grown-up-Bella wanted down-to-earth passion and desire. And Edward hadn't been able or willing to give me that. I sniffed a little, and gave her a watery smile when she offered a tissue. "I'm sorry," I said, "my emotions are kind of all over the spectrum these days. I'm tearfully miserable one minute, and teeth-clenching furious the next. It's… exhausting."

Angela laughed a little, patting my arm to let me know it was fine. "I'd be furious too if I learned about this 'deal' you mentioned between Edward and Jacob. What is _that_ about?" Oh yeah… she was _really_ curious now. Can't say I blamed her – it sounded so… teen-movie!

"I don't _know_ exactly," I said, a little whine slipping in. "All I _do_ know is that while I thought Jacob had moved on and gotten over his infatuation with me, he was apparently just waiting for his turn, or something. And that Edward was fine with it, even expects me to just… turn around and be with Jake now. Men are so _dumb!_" I finished, getting frustrated all over again. It really didn't help that a part of me felt thrilled that Jake had _not_ moved on after all. My dreams these past few days had really screwed with my ability to think rationally.

Angela was way too perceptive for my peace of mind: "And would you? Consider being with Jacob? Eventually, you know, not _right now_," she clarified. "The guy's a hottie, if I remember correctly."

"_Ang!_" I exclaimed, utterly shocked. I glanced at her for a moment, only to be greeted with a wicked grin and sparkling eyes. Yeah – she was on to me. "You're an engaged woman, missy!" I teased her, recognising that I wasn't going to get out of this one.

I saw her shrug from the corner of my eye. We were almost in Port Angeles by now, and there was a little more traffic, so I tried to concentrate on the road. It didn't stop me from laughing out loud at her reply.

"So? Doesn't make me blind! Those Quileute boys sure grew up prettily…"

That they had, I reflected. Our conversation was put on hold while she gave me the directions to the pub and we found a parking space not too far down the street, but she wasn't letting me off the hook.

"You didn't answer my question," she pointed out as we walked up to the front door of _Vala's_.

I shrugged. "I don't know, Ang. He's been my best friend for so long – it's weird to think of him as something more, you know? But at the same time…" I felt an accursed blush rising in my cheeks, images from my dreams flashing before my eyes. "It would be so _easy_," I finished with a sigh. If, you know, I could _ever_ forgive him for lying to me all this time.

Angela eyed me with a knowing smirk, but thankfully dropped the subject. "Well, tonight is all about _you_, sweetie, so no more talk of Edward or Jacob." She linked her arm with mine, and we entered the pub together. "You are an attractive, single, young woman and I _know_ there are plenty of guys in here who will be more than happy to pay us drinks. Ben's going to be here in a little over an hour, so we have to make the most of it!" The last was said with definite laughter, and I grinned at her as we perched on high stools surrounding an empty table halfway through the large single room.

True to her word, it didn't take five minutes for the group of six guys sitting two tables from us to move over and pay for a glass of beer for each of us. They were celebrating one of them getting engaged, which prompted Angela to show off her own new engagement ring and to casually mention that I had just recently become single after a long relationship with my high school sweetheart. I was flabbergasted at seeing usually-shy Angela work the guys like that, making them welcome at our table while drawing clear lines they were expected to respect. Before I knew it, I was laughing with two very nice young men named Patrick and Marc, recounting a funny story that had happened at a Dartmouth frat party I'd attended with the Cullen siblings, and feeling like a _normal girl_ for the first time in way too long. There was some flirting, but it was in good fun and mostly innocent, and I could honestly say I hadn't felt so carefree in months.

Until, that is, my roaming eyes landed on Jacob standing just inside the door of the pub, wearing dark-wash jeans and a white button-down shirt that very nicely contrasted with his dark skin tone. His gaze locked with mine, and I felt a low flush of desire spread through my body. As he started purposely making his way towards our table, all six-foot-seven and three-hundred pounds of muscle of him entirely intent on me, I was dimly aware that the guys who'd been entertaining Angela and I were beating a hasty retreat, but all I could think was that my best friend should come with a warning: 'Caution. Contents HOT.' What the hell was _wrong_ with me? I was supposed to be _mad_ at him!

"What are you doing here?" I spat at him when he reached us. If he thought he could just show up and ruin my girls' night out, he was sorely mistaken. I'd been having _fun_, damn it!

"I want to apologise," he stated very clearly. "Since you won't let me talk to you at Charlie's place, I figured I'd catch you here." Smartass. I should have known he'd find a way around my restrictions; if nothing else, Jacob Black could be annoyingly persistent. I started asking how he'd found me, but it occurred to me just as I was forming the words. Alice, of course. Since they were all such good buddies, apparently. The little sprite had a real talking-to coming to her.

Jake apparently wasn't going to be put off by my less-than-warm welcome. "Can we go somewhere to talk?" he asked, his voice pitched low and his eyes begging me to give him a chance. I felt my heart give a small thug in his direction. _No._

"I'm not leaving Angela here on her own," I replied, dismissing him by turning away. I couldn't – if I let him, he'd have me forgiving him in a heartbeat, and I was _not_ going to be the girl who couldn't stay angry at his pretty face. Even if I wished I could get my best friend back, already.

Of course, Angela had to turn traitor on me and say she'd be fine, that Ben was going to be here soon. I glared at her, but she only smirked and turned to Jacob, threatening him with bodily harm if he didn't make sure I made it back home safely. It was so ludicrous I nearly laughed, but Jake replied with a very serious "Yes ma'am" and before I'd fully realised it, I'd put my hand in his and he was leading me down the street towards the waterfront.

Neither of us said a word as we walked. _He_ was the one who wanted to talk, anyway, and anything that came out of my mouth right now would be hurtful. Or worse, whiny, because I just didn't _understand_, and it was driving me crazy.

The night was chilly, even with my jacket, but Jake was smart enough not to put his arm around me when we sat on a bench facing the water. I honestly didn't know how I'd react to his warm touch at the moment. Part of me would want to shrug it off, but I _missed him_ so much, and physical contact had always been a huge part of our relationship.

"I'm very, very, _very_ sorry," he started his apology, looking eerily like a kicked puppy. "Bells, I know I fucked up, honey. All I can say in my defence is that I did it for you."

Oh, Jake – those were _so_ not the right words to say!

"For me, he says! For _me!_" I exploded. "You've been lying to me for _years_, pretending to be my best friend–"

"There was no 'pretending' about it," he interrupted my tirade before I could really get going, his voice just as loud as mine. It was a good thing the boardwalk was deserted, or we'd be attracting a crowd already.

"You're still in love with me!" I accused him, standing up because there was no way I could be that close to him and not _hit_ him.

Somehow, he managed to stay calm as he replied: "They're not mutually exclusive, you know. In fact, I hear they make for stronger, longer, and _happier_ relationships." Oh, he had _not_ just gone there.

I raised my hands to the sky, speechless in the face of his… stupidity. Why couldn't he just let it go? Why did he have to be this incredibly sweet guy who had apparently held a torch for me for _four years_? It used to be so simple… Just Jake and Bells, best friends forever. I felt tears trailing down my cheeks, and couldn't even tell what I was crying about.

"Jake, you can't just…" I started, turning back to look at him. You can't just expect me to forgive you, you can't just tell me you still love me, you can't just sweep this away with a pretty apology. The words wouldn't come out.

He got up from the bench, taking a step in my direction, but something made him stop. When he asked – _asked!_ – if he could hug me, I completely lost it. I wasn't even sure if I really gave my assent, but in the next moment I was pressed against his chest, my arms squeezing his waist as hard as I could, sobbing my heart out. I'd gone months before, during the school year, without seeing him, without touching him, but we'd at least talked on the phone every few days. These last five days had been _horrible_, and I _missed_ him, and I was having these _dreams_… The next thing I knew, we were back on the bench, my legs across his, one of his arm around my shoulders, his other hand warming my cold legs, and it felt _so_ good.

I still needed answers though. I needed to know why Edward and Jacob had lied to me like this, why they had made all these decisions for me, as if I couldn't be trusted to make them for myself.

"It wasn't like that, Bells, I swear. We just wanted you to be happy, and let's face it, competing for you like we were doing wasn't going to end well." He was literally pleading with me to understand their motivations. To forgive him. "We just agreed to make it easier on you – the decisions were always yours, honey."

I frowned; that didn't make sense. But I let him explain their reasoning, how they had interpreted Alice's lack of vision of my future to mean that I had _already_ chosen Jake, how they made peace to let me go to college. "All we knew was that you would graduate from Dartmouth first," he finished with a shrug, "and there was always the chance that you'd change your mind during that time, but…"

'But…' But he'd banked the last four years of his life on it! There was no escaping it, I was _still_ furious with him. "So what, you just sat back and waited? Had a few girlfriends in the meantime, to pass the time? _God, Jake!_"

"I'm not going to apologise for dating, Bells," he said, much more calmly than I thought him capable of, "because I'm not sorry about it. But you _always_ were the one for me, that never changed. I didn't 'just sit back and wait' – I started by being the best friend I could be, and hoped that you'd feel the same way I do eventually." He waited for a beat, probably hoping for some kind of reaction from me. "I love you," he said earnestly, and my heart gave another sharp thug.

This was so confusing. I couldn't get over the fact that he'd hidden his true feelings from me for years, that he'd played the part of best friend so well. We'd shared everything: the ups and downs of our respective relationships, our struggles at school, the smallest and most insignificant things that happened in our lives. And that was _before_ my complete breakdown and full disclosure the night of the bonfire. He was too important to me to never forgive him, but I needed to wrap my mind around these new facts. And I needed to get a handle on my erratic emotions before I did something stupid like _kiss him_ and end up breaking his heart again.

Having his unnatural warmth surrounding me wasn't helping my resolve, so I stood up to face him, to deliver what I knew would be a hard blow. "I need time, Jake. It's too much to process, it's…" I was crying again, and furiously brushed the tears off before he could do it himself. "You can't expect me to fall for you when I've just gotten out of a five-year relationship. You're my _friend_, and I don't know how…" How could I explain something I didn't understand myself? "I feel like I'm mourning two relationships at the same time," I tried anyway. "I just lost my boyfriend _and_ my best friend."

"You didn't lose me, Bells," he quickly countered, grabbing my hand with his, but thankfully staying seated. I'd fall apart completely if he hugged me again. "_Please_, honey. If that's all you want from me, it's fine. We can continue the way things have been. Just– I don't think I can survive you leaving me completely." He looked so desperate, so broken. I couldn't bear to see him like this.

"I don't think I could survive it either," I confessed, squeezing his hand before letting go. My resolve was quickly crumbling to ashes. "But I need time," I repeated. "I'll call you," I added softly, walking away as the tears started to flow in earnest. I couldn't let him hear me cry though. He would touch me, hug me, and we would be back to square one.

Jake followed me back to my car from a distance, making sure, just as he had promised Angela, that I was safe. I had no idea if he had his car or his bike, or if he just phased to run back, but when I parked in front of Charlie's house, I felt him there. Seeing me safely home, but respecting my wishes that he stay away.

That night, the dream changed, and Edward stopped featuring in it at all. It only got more confusing and frustrating, though.

* * *

When Angela called the next morning to make sure I was okay, I reassured her that I didn't blame her for pushing me into having that conversation with Jacob. I'd needed it, even if it hadn't exactly resolved things.

"He just looked so determined, I thought he deserved the chance to apologise," she explained, and I agreed. It was just hard to reconcile the fact that my best friend could do this, lie to me, and claim to have been in love with me all this time.

Angela had something to say about _that_ too: "You know, there are worse things in life than falling in love with your best friend. I should know – I'll be marrying mine." She hung up after that, leaving me to ponder her statement. I didn't doubt it, it just felt like a huge step in regards to my feelings for Jake. There was physical attraction, certainly (my dreams had only gotten more and more erotic as the nights went by, leaving me as sexually frustrated as my aborted make-out sessions with Edward ever had), and I loved him, of course I did. It was so different from the love I held for my vampire though, that I wasn't sure it could work. What if we tried and it didn't? Would I lose Jake's friendship as well? Was taking a chance worth that?

Being alone at home with not much to distract me from all these thoughts was slowly driving me crazy, so by the middle of the week, I said to hell with it, and drove down to La Push. Just because I was still (a little) angry at Jake and wasn't ready to face him yet didn't mean I had to hide from our mutual friends. I'd promised Emily to visit, and that's exactly what I did.

Of course, I couldn't have expected her to keep clear of the subject.

"He's just so miserable, Bella, you _have_ to forgive him soon. It might not have been very smart of him, but he only wanted what was best for you," she pleaded on Jake's behalf, when we'd settled on the couch with steaming teacups, Lily lightly snoring in my lap. The little beauty had barely left my side from the moment I'd arrived, overjoyed to be spending time with her Auntie Bella who she so rarely got to see. She was such a sweetheart; I had offered my services as a babysitter if Emily ever wanted a day off, seeing as I had so much free time nowadays.

"I know," I replied with a deep sigh. "I mean – I get that they didn't mean to hurt me. It just seems like a _huge_ thing to keep from me, though. It's _my_ life we're talking about. _My_ future."

She shrugged. She'd admitted that they – the pack, the wolf-girls, even Billy – had all known about it, but had figured I'd grow into my feelings naturally, and that by the time I became conscious of my decision to choose Jacob, it wouldn't matter anymore. She didn't know if Jake had planned to tell me eventually, but in light of my reaction to finding out, she didn't really blame him for keeping the secret. It was impossible for me to be mad at Emily, and I knew secrets didn't exist within the pack. I had no more energy to be angry at anyone else anyway.

"You have to realise, Bella, that although the signs all pointed to you ending up with Jake, he never took it for granted. He was hoping that your feelings would evolve in time, but there was a part of him that recognised that your future could very well be shielded from Alice's sight just by being his friend and deciding to move back here after graduation," Emily said. "The last four years haven't been easy on his heart, believe me. Every fall, after you went back to school, he always moped for weeks, and I've had quite a few discussions with him about trying to move on. He's one stubborn wolf, though. And very much in love with you." She had a sweet smile on her lips, the scars on the other side of her face barely even registering in my mind after all this time. The twinkle in her eyes told me she had never believed he'd give up – she'd just needed, as a friend and mother-figure, to make sure he knew he had options.

Which reminded me: "He told me about his girlfriends, from time to time," I said pensively, my whole perspective on those conversations having shifted drastically, leaving me wondering if he'd resented my curiosity. "I always thought he was happy with them, especially Mel, the way he talked about her… Did he ever really try though? What if he let the girl of his life slip him by just because he thought he needed to wait for me?"

Emily let a low chuckle escape before taking a sip of her tea. She was stalling, trying to decide what to tell me. "You know we never 'officially' met any of them, right?" I nodded in confirmation – she'd told me that, once. I hadn't understood why at the time; I didn't quite get it now either. "_You_ are the girl of his life, Bella. When it came to us, his pack brothers, his family, it didn't feel right to him to pretend otherwise. I don't think he consciously sabotaged his relationships, but he didn't have his whole self to give to them. He's a good guy though, I know he never led any of them on." She paused again, taking another sip, watching my expression carefully before continuing. "I know Mel was special to him. He never told me right out, but I think they developed a close friendship; he misses that more than he misses her as a lover."

Oh. I'd known they were intimate, so why did I feel jealous all of a sudden? I had no right to it. Absolutely none.

Emily's smirk was eerily similar to that of Angela's last Friday night – I was becoming incredibly transparent, much to my dismay.

"Come on," she tapped my leg lightly, getting up and lifting Lily from my lap to put her further down the couch. The poor baby was still out like a light. "Give me a hand with dinner, and I'll tell you what crazy antics the boys managed to get in trouble for lately." The subject of Jake was closed; I had – again – plenty to think about.

She didn't let me dwell on it though, and within minutes, I was in near hysterics from her storytelling, tears of laughter and from slicing onions mixing on my cheeks. When Sam came home from work an hour later, we had a small feast cooking; Lily had woken up by then, and she nearly took out my eardrums with her shriek of "Daddy!" when she spotted him.

"Hi there, sugarplum," he greeted her, picking her up and propelling her in the air in one swift movement, making her shriek with laughter again. He held her upside down as he greeted Emily with a sweet kiss on the lips and another one on her barely-showing belly, and squeezed me in a one-armed hug. He was pretending not to hear as Lily asked to be let down, shifting her from one hand to the other as if she weighed nothing. It was such a warm domestic scene; I felt incredibly privileged to witness it, to be part of their extended family. The pack's warmth had always been about more than just the wolves' higher body temperature.

We ate dinner as Sam mock-complained about the pranks the guys had been playing on their coworkers at the construction site, bemoaning that he was afraid he'd find a wolf pelt on display when he got in one of these mornings. It wasn't overly obvious, but Jake's name was never mentioned outright. He wasn't left out of the stories altogether, but was left implied, as part of the group. That, more than anything else, made me realise that I couldn't stay mad at him forever. It wasn't fair to him, it wasn't fair to our friends, and – might as well be honest with myself – I missed him too damn much.

So after I'd helped clearing the table and doing the dishes, after I'd put Lily to bed and promised to come back soon, I left the Uleys' home and drove just a short distance to the Blacks'.

I found my best friend, unsurprisingly, flat on his back under a car in his garage.

"Hey Jake."

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I'd like to take a moment here to thank everyone who reviews. I reply privately to every single one of you, but it can't hurt to say it again: THANK YOU. The instant feedback is the primary reason I _succumbed and started writing fanfiction again. The ego-boost was necessary at this time in my constant struggle with writing a novel, and you've all gone above and beyond the call of duty in that regard. So, again, because these are words that we never say enough in our lives: Thank You._


	10. Jacob: Forgiveness

_AH! I so CAN write a short chapter! Which is good, because I don't have much free time this weekend, and I didn't want to cause a riot by missing my 2-day __posting deadline._

_(And Holy Macaroon – over 100 reviews! You guys are amazing. Truly – I have no words to express how much that means to me. Yeah, I know… speechless, me? Hard to believe!)_

Twilight,_ Stephenie Meyer… you know the rest._

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Ten – Jacob

The lousy thing about broken hearts, is that they are always eager to mend themselves and take a chance again.

Bella hadn't exactly specified that I still couldn't hang around Charlie's place, but I didn't want to hurt my case any worse by taking the risk, so after making sure she'd reached home safely that night, I let her be. I immersed myself in my engineering books and worked on the Galaxie until I couldn't see straight, and managed to survive the weekend. It wasn't easy: I moped, and moaned my despair until Billy threatened to sic Leah on me, but by Monday, I was determined to give Bells all the time she needed. Patience was the one thing I'd always been really good at, when it came to my girl.

I thought I was hallucinating, come Wednesday night, when her characteristic strawberry-vanilla scent came to my nostrils while I was under the Rabbit, trying to get a few more miles out of it before I had to "come to my senses and sell it for scrap" like Quil kept suggesting. But since I didn't _have_ a history of smelling, seeing, or hearing things that weren't there, I extricated myself from the cramped space when her soft greeting reached my ears.

"Hey Jake."

She was stunningly beautiful, in a faded pair of jeans and a Dartmouth sweatshirt, her hair up in a messy ponytail; I just sat there, subjugated, for what felt like hours. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some drool leaking out of the corner of my mouth, mixing with the oil streaks I was sure to have on my face. Damn, but I loved this girl. It had to mean something that I preferred her all bundled up like this (we were having rainstorms again, who would have guessed?) than in that blue dress she'd been wearing last Friday, no matter how alluring her bare legs had been.

The reminder of how she'd stomped on my heart that night (so what if I had it coming?) brought me out of my trance. I didn't know why she'd chosen to come see me so soon (it felt like a million years), but I was sure that just staring speechlessly at her like some deranged kid was not working in my favour.

"Hey Bells," I eventually forced past my lips, my voice just as low as hers had been. We weren't whispering exactly, but it felt as if any loud noise would make her disappear.

She opened her mouth and closed it just as quickly, hesitating on what her next words should be, before finally settling on: "What's wrong with the Rabbit?"

I drew a sharp breath, realising that I'd been holding my respiration in anticipation. Then I smiled – if she wanted us to just be our friendly selves and pretend like nothing was wrong, I could deal with that. For now. "What's _not_ wrong with the Rabbit, would be the better question," I answered with a smirk. Any attempt at explaining how it needed a new manifold and that the transmission was on its last leg would be lost on her anyway.

It kind of took the wind out of her sails, though. "Oh," she said, and her shoulders slumped a little. Great! Now we couldn't even _talk_ to each other without it being all weird. This whole thing was a _disaster_.

So I took a deep breath, and plunged. "Bells, I'm _really_ not complaining, but… What are you doing here?" That huge pink elephant in the corner? It clashed with the décor, I decided. And I was the only abnormally-huge animal allowed in my garage.

She blushed. Of course; could the girl get any more adorable? "Well see, I've been absolutely miserable," she stated, her eyes shifting from the car to the workbench, to the winter tires stacked in the far corner – anywhere but on me. "And apparently _you've_ been miserable too, so I figured we might as well… you know, work this out. Or be miserable together, should all else fail." She was grinning a little, although she was still not looking at me.

I couldn't help but try to salvage a hint of my dignity: "Me, miserable? Who told you such lies?" I was absolutely sure my playful tone wasn't fooling her in the slightest.

"Well… Emily might have dropped a hint or two." At my raised eyebrow (she was watching me from the corner of her eye, sneaky girl), she added, sarcastically: "Okay, so they were more like anvils than hints."

I couldn't help it: I burst out laughing. It cut the tension instantly, and had Bells laughing along with me within moments. Anyone walking by would have pegged us for lunatics, I was sure.

"So," I said when I'd regained a modicum of composure, standing up and taking the steps separating us until I was within touching distance, "does this mean I can hug you now?"

She eyed my greasy t-shirt sceptically, and before I could stop them, the words were out of my mouth: "I can lose the shirt, if you want." _Shit!_ I could be a real moron, sometimes! Here she was, trying to patch things up, and I had to go and _flirt_. When she'd clearly stated she couldn't see me that way yet (I was desperately hanging onto that 'yet' part). "I'm sorry, Bells," I hurried to apologise, "I'm an idiot… I didn't mean–"

"It's okay, Jake," she interrupted before I could make a bigger fool of myself. "I don't want you to feel like you're walking on eggshells around me. The one thing I'm certain of, out of all this…" she flapped her hand around, not quite knowing how to define this mess either, "is that whatever happens, you're still my best friend. That's _never_ going to change. And I need to know that I can still tell my best friend everything, that he can still do the same, that we're still Jake-and-Bells, harmless flirting included."

Had I mentioned how much I loved this girl, yet? I smiled, my first real smile in ages, or so it felt. "Absolutely," I agreed. We'd work on the 'harmless' thing another time. Right now, I couldn't bear not to be _touching_ her. "So about that hug?"

She didn't even hesitate for a second: "Lose the shirt, I don't want to have to wash grease out of my clothes tonight." And she was _smirking_. It was official: she was a she-devil.

I wasn't going to give her time to change her mind though, so the t-shirt took a flying leap in the general direction of my workbench, and I had Bells pressed against my bare chest before my next breath. My hands weren't much better than the shirt, so I refrained from running my fingers through the hair that had escaped her ponytail, but it wasn't from lack of wanting. Her arms were gripping my waist with all her might (I barely felt it, but it was the thought that counted, definitely), and she pressed her freezing nose to my highly-warm skin, right over my heart.

"Is it incredibly freaky that I missed this so much it _hurt_?" she asked in a small voice. I didn't think I could form words without spouting out my undying devotion like the love-sick fool I was, so I simply hugged her a little harder, careful that she could still breathe. I did, however, press my lips to the top of her head for a long moment. It felt like coming home.

We stayed like that for five whole minutes, at least. I wasn't against the idea of standing there for all eternity, but not being able to use my hands was a real downside, so eventually I gave her a last squeeze and took a step back, reaching for a cleaner-than-most rag to take off the worst of the grime. The Rabbit wasn't going anywhere tonight (or _ever_, until I put the transmission back together), and Bells was _here_ and apparently willing to talk and work this out, and it wasn't even a choice.

She surprised me, though.

"I'm sorry Jake," she said, taking her usual seat on an overturned crate while I was looking for the waterless hand cleaner bottle I knew was around here _somewhere_. I'd just bought a new one, and– wait, was she _apologising_ to me? What the hell for? I was the one who owed her apologies for the rest of my unnaturally-long life.

"I shouldn't have doubted your friendship, it wasn't fair of me," she explained when she realised I was staring at her like she'd sprouted horns and a tail. Not that it would have fazed me much, nowadays. "You've been a great friend, my _best_ friend, for what seems like forever, and it just… hurt a lot that you'd keep something like that from me."

"And I'll never apologise enough for that, Bells, I know," I countered. "I'm not even sure servitude for life is enough to try to make amends, but I'm hoping it's a start?" I framed it like a question, desperately needing confirmation that we were okay, that we'd get past this.

Because I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch alive, she grinned wickedly before replying with definite aloofness: "Oh, it's a _start_…"

I felt the tight fist that had had my entrails clenched in fear for a week and a half release. I felt like doing a victory dance, right here in the middle of my rundown garage. Jake and Bells, riding together again.

"But just so we're clear," her tone turned deadly serious, "you are _never_ going to lie and keep secrets from me _ever _again."

"Oh, absolutely," I quickly agreed. "Nothing but brutal honesty from here on out, honey. By the way, you've got grease on your cheek." I couldn't help myself; I stuck my tongue out at her. 'Giddy' didn't even begin to cover how I felt. I made my eyes go round in mock-distress when I added: "Wait, what about surprises and birthday gifts?"

She groaned. "You know I _hate_ that stuff, Jake." I started whining, so she relented: "Fine, small surprises and gifts can be kept secret _for a time_," she emphasised the last words, scowling at me like she would a puppy who wouldn't respond to her command. Adorable. Definitely.

I'll never know what made me say those next words, but apparently, I was a glutton for punishment: "So in the spirit of all that honesty, how would you like to go on a date with me, Friday night?"

She froze. I had just started inwardly berating myself for the incredible idiot I was when she replied hesitantly: "I don't… It just feels like it's too fast, Jake, I can't even wrap my mind around…" She was blushing again, looking at an apparently incredibly fascinating spot on the floor. Damage control was definitely needed.

"Look Bells," I said, crouching down in front of her and raising her chin with my now-somewhat-clean fingers. "I just want it to be clear that I love you, that I'm _in love_ with you." Sincerity was pouring out of my pores – I just hoped she could sense it. "I understand that it might take a while before you feel comfortable to move on, or that your feelings might never even meet mine. I just want the chance to show you that Jake and Bells as a couple could be just as easy as 'Jake and Bells: best friends forever' has been. That's all. No pressure." I gave her my best smile, and she returned it, if a little timidly. It was a start. "Just a movie, Bells, and dinner in a greasy joint of some kind. There might be some hand-holding involved."

She grinned. I _was_ the luckiest man on Earth. "Fair enough," she said, and I could swear there was a small twinkle of enthusiasm in her eyes. "I'll allow you the hand-holding, but I draw the line at having to dress up. I'm not wearing a dress again – I was _freezing_ the other night!"

She'd said yes. She'd said _YES!_

"Not a problem, honey. I like you better like this anyway," I confessed, pulling her into my lap and kissing her forehead. She snuggled into my neck, and my face felt like it was going to crack from the strength of my smile. "Not that you weren't smoking-_hot_ in that blue dress," I added, because I had enough experience with girls by now to know that if I didn't, she'd think I hadn't liked it.

"Thanks," she mumbled against my skin, and I could feel the heat of her blush, _again_. Yup – we were back on track.

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I feel like _*I'm* finally back on track, that I have control of the story for the first time since the fourth part or so. Of course, that's only going to last until Jake & Bella decide to do whatever they want again, but I'm enjoying the feeling while it lasts._

_So tell me, did their conversation meet your expectations?_


	11. Bella: Date

_I'll be honest here, I'm not quite sure about this part. I think it stems from the fact that Bella isn't quite sure about the date, and I tried to convey that to the best of my ability, and it just left ME confused. Your comments are especially welcome, in any case._

Twilight,_ Stephenie Meyer, they belong together (I hate repeating myself)._

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Eleven – Bella

I had no idea what I was doing.

When I'd left the Uleys' after dinner and decided to go over to Jake's, I hadn't had a plan. My conversation with Emily had brought up still more questions, still more things to think about, but I knew I couldn't leave things as they were with Jacob. I missed him, plain and simple. So I needed to forgive him, even if I didn't think I'd forget quite so soon.

I had no idea what to say past "Hey Jake" though, and when he didn't take my overture for mindless chitchat about the Rabbit, I was stomped. Luckily, Jacob had always been one not to beat around the bush, and when he asked why I was there, I told him the honest truth: I was miserable without him.

He tried to save face a little, I cracked a joke, and just like that, we were back to our usual banter, our teasing, our _hugs_. It couldn't be healthy, the way I craved contact with his warm skin, the way being in his arms made me feel like nothing else mattered, just for those moments. It was 'safety' and 'belonging', all wrapped into this russet-skinned gorgeous guy I was lucky enough to call my friend. And whom I hadn't treated fairly, even if I had had legitimate reason to.

"I'm sorry Jake. I shouldn't have doubted your friendship, it wasn't fair of me." He looked at me as if I was crazy, but I meant it. "You've been a great friend, my _best_ friend, for what seems like forever, and it just… hurt a lot that you'd keep something like that from me."

"And I'll never apologise enough for that, Bells, I know," he hurriedly replied. "I'm not even sure servitude for life is enough to try to make amends, but I'm hoping it's a start?" He looked like a puppy, all apologetic and downright _cute_.

"Oh, it's a _start_…" I teased him – I couldn't let him think he'd get out of it quite so easily after all. And because he also needed to know that it had cut deeply, I took my most serious voice to add: "But just so we're clear, you are _never_ going to lie and keep secrets from me _ever _again."

"Oh, absolutely," he quickly concurred. "Nothing but brutal honesty from here on out, honey." He was just as serious, I could tell, despite teasing me in the same breath and sticking his tongue out at me. It was enough for me – he hadn't meant to hurt me, he regretted it, and it would never happen again. Plain and simple: just like our friendship.

He made fun of my aversion for surprises and gifts, and it felt like we could really put all this behind us, when he blindsided me by using my demand for honesty to _ask me out_. I froze. There was no other word for the complete blank my mind became in that moment.

When I finally regained the ability to form words, all I could do was stutter a few incoherent sentences, feeling my face flush in embarrassment, my gaze resolutely fixed on the floor between my feet. The dreams I'd been having, the flush of desire I'd felt when he'd so confidently marched into the pub the other night, the surprising jealousy I had felt at Emily's casual mention of his relationship with Mel – they were confusing, they made me _want_ things I shouldn't, and when he very sincerely declared his love for me and promised there would be no pressure, I found myself agreeing. To a date. With Jake.

This should be repeated: I had no idea what I was doing.

It was getting late and Jake had work in the morning, so I left shortly after that, but my mind was reeling. As soon as I made it home, I almost called to cancel – but then I thought of how disappointed he would be, and I couldn't do it. He had said there would be no pressure; I could do dinner-and-a-movie with my best friend. It wasn't something we had ever done, _exactly_, but it wasn't worse than, say, moonlit walks on the beach, hand-in-hand.

Except it totally was.

Because I hadn't known he still had such strong feelings for me, because I had thought the flirting was innocent and just a remnant of past infatuation, because I'd been blissfully in love with another man and hadn't thought of Jake that way. But now it was all out in the open, I was single and thus available, I had no idea what these sex dreams I kept having _meant_, and there was no confusion possible: he'd asked me out on a _date_ and I'd accepted.

That was the first night since I'd found out about Edward's and Jacob's little 'agreement' that I didn't dream of making love with Jacob. It left me no less frustrated, come morning.

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I needed to start looking for a job. Charlie hadn't said anything yet, but now that I wasn't going back east or wherever with the Cullens at the end of the summer, it was time to think about my future. Something that I realised I'd been avoiding for a long time, whether because I had thought that I'd be a vampire soon anyway, or that the Cullens would provide for me in some way, for as long as I let them.

By Friday afternoon I was still not sure what a Comparative Literature major from Dartmouth could bring to a community like Forks', but at least going through the classifieds had kept my mind from obsessing about my upcoming date. Jake had called on Thursday night to suggest we meet in Port Angeles so as to save himself the roundtrip; the Rabbit was out of commission for the moment anyway, and he'd been carpooling with Sam and Quil. He'd get ready at their supervisor's house after work, and meet me in front of a great pizza place the guys liked (because the extra-large pies were actually large enough to feed even werewolves). It was fine by me – I didn't want to imagine how Charlie would react to seeing Jake pick me up for the evening; I was afraid he'd start planning our wedding, or something. I hadn't exactly told him about the date, just that I'd be spending the night out, and not to expect me too early. He was having dinner at Sue's and didn't expect to be in at all, himself.

I thought I had myself convinced that it was just another night on the town with my best friend, nothing special, but then I spent nearly an hour deciding what I should _wear_, and I nearly had a breakdown. It was just _Jake_, for crying out loud, just pizza and a movie. It didn't matter how I dressed (he had said so himself), and it didn't matter that my hair be particularly shiny. It _shouldn't_ matter because Jake had already seen me at my worst, because he loved me anyway, and because I wasn't actually regarding this as an actual date. Right?

When I realised I was going to be late, I simply put on the first pair of jeans (low-rise) and camisole top (it was red) that fell under my hands and ran out the door. The weather had finally turned, bringing summer to the Olympic Peninsula at last, making a jacket definitely superfluous, but also putting a lot more people than usual on the road, and making me very thankful for the Volvo's air conditioning.

"I'm sorry I'm late," I started apologising the moment I spotted Jake on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, before his appearance had really registered. "There was _traffic_, if you can believe it, and–" _WOW._

I stuttered to a stop, my feet continuing on by themselves for two more steps until I was right in front of him (it was a miracle I didn't fall flat on my face), my mind going blank for a moment (that was happening at a scarily frequent rate lately). He was casually leaning back against the wall of the building, his jeans-clad legs crossed at the ankles (they were the same dark-wash jeans from the night at the pub, I absent-mindedly noticed), one of his hands in his front pocket, the other holding a single red-tipped yellow rose, his dark-green t-shirt looking like it had been painted on him. And he was smiling, his white teeth showing, his eyes sparkling.

The butterflies in my stomach started tap-dancing. I could delude myself all I wanted, Jacob Black was _definitely_ regarding this as a date.

"It's okay," he said, and for a moment I had no idea what he was replying to. "Don't worry about it – I haven't been waiting that long, and we have plenty of time before the movie." He was still smiling that incredibly huge grin, the one that never failed to warm me from the inside out, and I felt myself relaxing a little. Just Jake – no pressure.

"You hungry?" he asked, motioning for me to precede him into the restaurant. I nodded, although I really wasn't sure I could swallow anything right now, and just as I started turning towards the door, Jake took my hand, stopping me with the slightest pressure on my fingers. "Here, this is for you," he said softly, handing me the rose and bending to kiss my cheek in the same motion.

I felt the spot his lips had touched tingle all through the evening.

My nervousness must have shown, because Jake made sure to put me at ease as soon as we sat down in a corner booth. He told me about the Camaro he wanted to buy to replace the Rabbit; the Galaxie, he answered when I asked why he needed _another_ car, was a long-term project, as in 'expensive', and once it was fully restored, there was no way he would drive it to work every day. I told him in no uncertain terms that I thought he was crazy (he kind of agreed). I also told him of my unfruitful search for employment, at which point he started suggesting the most outrageous jobs he could think of, from phone sex operator to human billboard, making me spit out my soft drink through my _nose_. (That _hurt!_) Before I knew it, we had eaten a whole extra-large meat lover's pizza (I'd had a slice and a half, he'd gulfed down the rest) and were on our way to the theatre, and it felt _normal_.

"So what are we seeing?" I asked as we walked down the street. The sun was getting low, but it was still warm enough that I didn't regret not bringing a jacket, and there were a lot of people enjoying the nice weather like us. Jake had kept his promise and taken my hand in his as soon as we'd left the pizza place, but he hadn't made a big show out of it, and it didn't feel any different than the thousands of other times we'd held hands before. In fact, except for the rose I'd managed to clip in my hair over my right ear and the kiss on the cheek I still could kind of feel, Jake had done nothing at all to make the evening seem like anything other than a night out with my friend. I was extremely grateful for it.

"I figured I'd leave the final decision to you, but I narrowed down our choices to an action-comedy, or a romantic-comedy. And just so you know, if you choose the chick flick, I'm reserving the right to sleep through it."

I laughed at him, at the mock-seriousness of his expression, and he graced me with _my_ smile again.

"As long as there aren't any decapitations or other gore, the action movie is fine," I told him, recalling the very first movie we'd seen together, that fateful outing with Mike Newton that had marked the start of Jacob's transformation into a werewolf. With the greasy pizza sharing my stomach with the butterflies that weren't entirely dormant, _I_ was likely to be sick at the sight of too much blood, no matter how fake it looked.

"No gore, I promise," he replied as we came up to the ticket booth. "Paul and Rachel saw it last week, they said it was a good movie."

And it was. Jake and I laughed and exchanged whispered quips all through the show, often snickering at things that weren't even meant to be funny but reminded us of stupid things we'd seen before. I was leaning onto his arm and resting my head on his shoulder, our fingers entwined on his thigh, his thumb tracing slow circles on my hand. I knew that to everyone around us, we looked like a couple; I found that I didn't care.

After the movie, we slowly walked back to my car, not in any hurry for the evening to end, even if we still had an hour-long drive before us. The silence between us was comfortable, broken sporadically by a remembered quote from the movie, making us laugh about it all over again. We took a detour by the waterfront, passing the bench where we had had our discussion last week, but silently agreed not to revisit the topic. The air temperature was still somewhat warm, but the breeze coming from the strait sent shivers down my arms, and Jake put his arm around my shoulders without even thinking about it; it felt as natural for him as it did for me, and the part of me that had been afraid he'd overthink his every move around me now, was relieved. I didn't want him to change, I didn't want our interactions to be _careful_ all the time.

He offered to drive us back, and when the Volvo turned into his gravel driveway, I realised with a pang that I didn't really want to see the evening come to an end.

"I've had a wonderful time tonight, Bells," Jake told me with a grin when we met in front of the car, me walking to the driver's side, him heading for the porch steps. He engulfed me in his arms for his signature bone-crushing hug, chuckling softly when I pretended to be unable to breathe.

"So did I," I truthfully replied when he released me enough that I could look up into his eyes. "Good pizza, good movie, awesome company," I added, smiling.

There was something different in his gaze when he bent down to kiss my forehead, something I couldn't quite identify. "Good," he whispered barely loud enough for me to hear. Then he kissed my cheek again, fingering the rose over my ear slightly before stepping backwards towards the house. "Goodnight, honey," he called out as I slipped behind the wheel. "Drive safe."

As I got ready for bed, half an hour later, I found myself thinking that if tonight was a prime example of what dating Jacob Black entailed, I wouldn't mind a repeat performance.

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So? I'm really finding it easier to write through Jacob's POV, so maybe next part will come easier. *shrug*


	12. Jacob: Date, Redux

_Special thanks to __**cretin**__, __**Idunnowhy**__ and __**Naranwien**__, both for their constant and voluble feedback, and for helping me out when I was drawing a blank concerning Bella's employment. You gals rock!_

_I'm sure you know this by now, but _Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer, not me._

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Twelve – Jacob

It was both like living a dream, and knowing it could still be so much more.

My sudden impulse of asking Bells out hadn't left me with much time to prepare for our date, and I couldn't help but think that I wouldn't get a second chance if I fucked this one up; so to say that I looked nervous on Thursday would probably be the understatement of the year. Of course, the guys, starting with Quil and Paul, picked up on my mood quickly, and they were more than happy to offer their suggestions when I told them that Bells had forgiven me and had agreed to the whole dinner-and-a-movie thing. Within fifteen minutes, I was convinced they either wanted me dead, or castrated.

"Forget the movie – an expensive dinner and a motel room is all you need." Paul was a moron, I'd always known that, but to think he'd convinced my sister to _marry him_ with bright ideas like that… I hated to think what it said about Rachel, honestly.

"Nah, movie's a good idea – dark room, ambient noise… Make sure you're alone in the back row, and you can get frisky all you want." I wasn't sure if Jared was actually joking or not: he had _that_ good of a poker face.

"Just make sure to stock up on condoms," Quil added (Quil! Who hadn't had a single date in forever-and-a-day!), while laughing like a hyena. "You've been lusting after her for so long, you'll need to put on some layers if you want to last more than thirty seconds!"

They were all idiots, the lot of them. Only Sam refrained from commenting, but I could hear him sniggering behind my back all the same. Of course, they all had had supernatural help in scoring their women (or toddler, in Quil's case), so I shouldn't be surprised they had no idea how to treat a girl who'd just broken up with her boyfriend, and who wasn't at all sure she was ready to move on yet. Sex was _really_ the last thing on my mind for Friday night.

Just as I had told her, I simply wanted a chance to show Bella that being romantically involved with me could be just as easy and natural as our friendship had always been. I wasn't going to try to dazzle her with expensive restaurants and whatnot – I'd lose in the comparison with what Eddy had treated her to through the years, I was sure. No, my plan was to make the evening as comfortable as possible, as close to what we would usually do together, but with a few gestures to let her know that it _was_ different now, that I wanted something _more_ for us.

Despite how stupid they were currently being, one of the great things about sharing a mind with a bunch of other guys was all the tips I'd picked up when it came to romance (Leah, to nobody's surprise, had never shared _anything_ about that). Embry in particular, who had played the field up, down, _and_ in diagonals, knew an awful lot about those weird things we guys didn't even know existed, but that girls found oh-so important. Like the significance of the colour of roses.

Red-tipped yellow rose: friendship and falling in love.

I was _never_ going to admit to having retained any of that information he'd once flooded our minds with on a boring patrol, but I was grateful for it right at the moment.

The rest was easy: pizza wasn't exactly classy, but it would put Bells at ease (she hadn't tried to cancel our date when I'd called to suggest we meet in Port Angeles, but I was pretty sure she'd thought about it), and I would let her make the final decision on the movie. I didn't think she'd go for a chick flick anyway – she'd be too afraid to see any parallels with our situation in it. There was a good action movie in the theatre these days, it would be perfect. And if the weather held, we'd walk down the waterfront afterwards, like we did after the bonfires, only with less sand.

Much to my surprise, it went off without a hitch. Bells was maybe ten minutes late (and apologetic about it as if I'd had to wait two hours, or something), but the look she got on her face when she took in my appearance was worth every single day I'd thought we'd never get to this first date. I hadn't _obsessed_ about my clothes or anything, but I'd grabbed the same nice pair of jeans as the week before, and a t-shirt I'd been told looked good on me. It was way too hot to wear a long-sleeved shirt, anyway. And since Bells looked to be speechless, I guessed I hadn't messed up.

I heard her heartbeat speed up when I handed her the rose and kissed her cheek before entering the restaurant, and I made every effort through our meal to put her at ease. Once she'd gotten past her nervousness though, conversation was easy, full of our usual banter, and _I_ relaxed at last. She wasn't going to run off screaming. Score one up for the werewolf.

We had already walked halfway to the theatre by the time I realised we were holding hands – I'd done it on instinct, it seemed. Bells hadn't reacted to it though, so I guessed she really _was_ okay with it, and that was a relief. It would really suck to have to be careful of these things around her now, since I was so used to touching her in some way pretty much all the time. She completely nullified my fears when the movie (I knew she'd choose the action-comedy!) started and she leaned into me to put her head on my shoulder. She let me link our fingers on my thigh, and I had a flashback of the first time we'd been to the movies together, that ill-fated outing with the Newton kid, when I'd left my hand on the armrest between us, _hoping_ she would take the invitation. Man, I'd been so _young!_

The movie was funny, prompting us to whisper an ongoing commentary to each other. The closeness of her, of her soft and wonderful-smelling hair, of her moist lips, of her nose that kept brushing against my jaw each time she turned to say something in my ear, was driving me slowly crazy. She wasn't ready for it, and I knew better than to even _think_ of pressuring her, but suddenly Jared's harebrained idea was looking really good.

We did end up walking down the boardwalk afterwards, until I noticed Bells shivering from the breeze coming off the water. My arm around her shoulders would only do so much to keep her warm in the light camisole top she was wearing, so before she caught a cold (that would _not_ be a good way to remember our first date, thank you very much), I steered us back up the street where she'd parked her car.

"Do you want me to drive?" I asked, holding up my hand for the keys. Not that I didn't trust her not to bend the Volvo around a tree, but the highway was dark as a coalmine at this hour, and I had better vision _and_ better reflexes to avoid the wildlife that often came out at night.

She handed me the keys without a word. I kept the windows down on the drive back – I didn't want to mention it and ruin the mood, but the car still reeked of leech. I took a mental note of offering to do an oil change on it soon, and take the opportunity to air it out thoroughly.

The silence in the car was a comfortable one, I was pleased to notice. Even better, Bells reached out to take my right hand once we were cruising on the highway, her small fingers entwining with mine while she stared out the window sightlessly. I brought our linked hands up to my face to place a gentle kiss on her fingers, and I saw the corner of her lips turn up into a small smile in my peripheral vision. Incongruously, my heart chose that moment to start thumping hard in my chest – I hadn't messed it up; I might have a chance after all.

I was disappointed that the evening was over when I turned into my driveway, and a little nervous about _how_ to end this date without undoing the pleasantness and comfort zone we'd reached. I met Bells in front of the car when she exited it to switch to the driver's side, and simply went with honesty – it was what she'd asked of me, after all.

"I've had a wonderful time tonight, Bells," I told her, gathering her into a hug. She made a few sputters, pretending I was cutting off her air supply, and I chuckled. This was exactly what I'd wanted for us: just the same as always, just Jake and Bells.

I released her before air _really_ became an issue, and she looked up into my eyes to tell me that she had enjoyed our date too: "Good pizza, good movie, awesome company."

I wanted to kiss her. _God_, how I wanted to kiss her! But I knew it was too soon, so I settled for kissing her on the forehead as I usually did, before adding another kiss on her cheek to the mix, just to let her know it _wasn't_ like usual. She'd managed to pin the rose to her hair above her ear, and I touched it lightly before stepping backwards towards the porch. If I didn't let her leave now, I was likely to do something I'd come to regret.

"Goodnight, honey," I called out as she sat behind the wheel. "Drive safe."

I stared after her until I couldn't see the taillights anymore, and then stayed out on the porch steps a little while longer, just basking in the feeling of having managed to survive my first date with Bella Swan without somehow fucking it up completely. When I realised there was no way I was going to be able to fall asleep, I took my clothes off and phased, hoping that a good long run would tire me out enough to get a little rest at least. Besides, Seth and Embry were on the night patrol shift, and they'd want to know how the date had gone.

* * *

I called Bells the next morning (okay, so it was more like just before noon – I'd run until daybreak after all), and asked if she wanted to join the pack at the Clearwaters' for an afternoon of lounging around in front of movies. To my relief, she didn't hesitate to say yes; neither did she on the next day, when I mentioned the oil change the Volvo was surely due for, and we hung out in the garage for hours as I made sure to get all the bloodsucker smell out of the upholstery. After that, we saw each other every day, except for Tuesday when I had class, either hanging out or doing something a little more date-like. I only had two weeks left before I was back on the patrolling rotation and scheduling became a bit challenging, and I wanted to make the most of it. Besides, it wasn't as if I could come off as too eager: she already knew I was in love with her, and that I'd waited four years for this.

I was trying to keep up with the mixing of typical Jake-and-Bells activities and new stuff: we went bowling with Seth and Quil (_that_ was a disaster – Bells wasn't kidding about having two left feet!), we had long walks on First Beach (we talked about absolutely nothing for over three hours, one evening), we had dinner with Angela and her fiancé (Angela kept smirking at me, and I couldn't stop grinning back), and we hung out in the garage (the Rabbit was functional again, although I couldn't tell for how long). Bells seemed comfortable most of the time, although her heartbeat would start racing sometimes, when I stepped close to her. I longed for the easy flirting we'd normally indulged in, the complacency and simple well-being we'd once had together. I understood though, and I didn't push. When she was ready, she'd let me know. So every day, when we parted ways, I hugged her close and kissed her cheek, rejoicing in the hitch of her breath, and praying for the day she'd let me kiss her lips instead. I could wait for her.

Kim finally went into labour three days past her due date. Jared was starting to drive us all crazy with his worrying, even though Emily kept telling him it was perfectly normal, and I found myself back on patrol earlier than anticipated when Sam asked me to take over Jared's shift until things settled down with the newest addition to the pack-family. Little Sean was as healthy a baby as could be, and I suspected Bella to have fallen in love with him the moment she laid eyes on him. Good thing I rather liked the little bundle of crinkly skin myself, or my jealousy might have shown through. Seeing Bella holding him and cooing at him prompted all sorts of images of our own children to invade my dreams for a few nights though, and I had a hard time restraining myself from sharing them with her the following Saturday when we spent the rainy afternoon at her house. I'd brought my college books over because Bells had promised to let me study while she did a little cleaning and cooking, but my heart really wasn't in it.

"How's the new job going?" I asked her as she was cleaning up the slight mess she'd made while preparing dinner for us, trying to distract myself from the awfully domestic scene she painted. Charlie was over at Sue's this weekend, and I would have lied if I said the possibility of spending the night with Bells hadn't crossed my mind. We hadn't slept in the same bed once since our first date, a combination of my not wanting to make her uncomfortable, and the opportunity not having presented itself, this being our first night in since then. It was driving me nuts, all these little things that had been perfectly innocent before and now seemed so loaded with implications. I was trying to be good, I really was, but sometimes the flirting just came naturally. Luckily, I hadn't managed to spook her yet.

"I think it'll be fun," she replied, dragging me out of my inner thoughts. She'd had an interview with Forks' Forum, the local weekly paper, on Tuesday, and they'd hired her on the spot. "They only expect me in for half-days, but it'll be a nice experience, I think." She shrugged. She'd confessed to not having put a lot of thought on what she wanted to do with her life, and she felt a little self-conscious about it. It made me shudder every time I thought about how she'd expected to be a card-carrying member of the undead by now.

The lasagna she'd prepared from scratch was starting to smell awfully good, and my stomach made its presence known by loudly growling. Bella only looked at me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk, and I shrugged. Having a werewolf metabolism was something I'd grown accustomed to a long time ago.

"It still needs another half-hour," she mock-regretfully announced. "Think you'll survive?"

I grinned, standing up from the table to inch my way to her position by the counter. "Maybe I'll nibble on something else in the meantime," I playfully growled in as menacing a tone as I could manage while sporting a large smile.

Her reaction definitely caught me by surprise, nearly stopping me in my tracks: her eyes became huge as saucers, her heartbeat picked up a frantic pace instantly, and a strong draft of desire came to my nostrils. She half-giggled, half-shrieked, and made a dash for the living room. I was after her in an instant.

"You really think you can escape me for long, honey?" I laughingly asked her. She was at the end of the couch opposite me, Charlie's chair preventing her from stepping back any further, watching me carefully to see which way I'd go to reach her.

"You don't scare me, mister Big Bad Wolf," she replied between bursts of uncontrollable giggles.

I playfully growled low in my chest, and was rewarded with another whiff of arousal coming from her. It excited her – that was good to know! I feinted right, then left, and finally bounded _over_ the couch, catching Bells around the waist before flipping us around so that she crashed on top of me when I landed on my back on the floor in front of the television, inches from the low table. Her shriek nearly took out my eardrums, but she was breathless with laughter, her face just inches above mine and her supple body aligned with mine from chest to hips, and it was _so worth it_.

"Gotcha," I whispered, tucking a strand of her unbound hair behind her ear and leaving my hand there. Her face was flushed from excitement, her breathing ragged, and I could literally feel the hard beats of her heart resonate through my own chest. It was my turn to be breathless. I'd never wanted to kiss her more than I did in that moment.

"Is there any way I can plead for mercy?" she playfully retorted. Her eyes were sparkling with amusement. "I kind of need all my fingers if you expect me to keep you fed on a long-term basis."

I _loved_ how she said that. 'Long-term' held an awful lot of promise, in that moment.

"Just a little taste," I said, taking the hand she had pressed against my chest in mine and bringing her fingers to my mouth. A fresh wave of arousal hit her when I started lightly nibbling the tip of her fingers with my teeth, and I nearly lost it as the smell surrounded us. I hated to be thinking of the leech in that instant, but how the _hell_ had Edward managed to _resist_ her?

She shifted just so, and I groaned loudly, prompting her to simultaneously blush bright red and completely freeze. Her gaze was locked with mine, and I knew she didn't know what to do, how to react. Before the awkwardness could completely ruin the mood, I sat us up, sliding her off my body onto the floor. "Come on, I'm really hungry – I'll clear my books and help you set the table." I stood up, holding out my hand to help her up.

She sighed loudly enough for me to hear before taking the proffered hand and getting back on her feet. She wouldn't meet my gaze though, and I squeezed her fingers before she could release my hand. When she didn't react, I huffed playfully, and pulled her into a bear-hug, kissing the top of her head. I had no clue what to say, but I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable for the rest of the evening, when I'd been looking forward to having her pressed against me as we watched movies.

After a few moments, I felt her relax against me, and her arms came up to squeeze my waist lightly. I let her go then, and we went back to the kitchen and the delightfully good-smelling lasagna my stomach was nearly screaming for. The loud gurgles made Bella giggle again, and the tension oozed away as we settle down for dinner; but I could still smell a faint trace of desire coming from her.

The coming evening of snuggling on the couch promised to be… entertaining.

_

* * *

_

Ah! Anyone else really impatient to find out how the movie-night goes? Jake caught me by surprise again… Damn werewolves and their stupid appetites!


	13. Bella: Movies

_I'm sorry for being a day late in posting. I unexpectedly found myself having a social life these last few days (I'm as surprised as you are, believe me!), and I didn't want to rush this part out without making it as good as I could get it. Hopefully __you'll find it was worth the wait…_

Twilight_ is the intellectual property of Stephenie Meyer and whoever else holds rights to it._

**

* * *

**

T**hirteen – Bella**

Those weeks really brought the concept of 'frustration' to a whole new level.

Jake didn't believe in leaving me time and space, I soon found out. Not that I minded, really, because hanging out with my best friend every day was definitely not a hardship, but it didn't afford me much time to sort out my feelings about the way things were progressing – or _not_ progressing, for that matter.

I had to admire his creativity in keeping things original and comfortable, though. We hung out in his garage or with the pack as always, but he also insisted on real dates, and before I'd realised it, we'd been a 'couple' for two weeks (Angela had a knowing smirk plastered on her face all evening, when we double-dated with her and Ben for dinner), and Jacob still hadn't _kissed me_.

And the problem was, I wasn't sure how I felt about that. On the one hand, I was grateful that he was keeping his promise of 'no pressure', that he was letting me set the pace, because I still wasn't sure about my feelings for him, and he deserved perfect honesty in my words and actions, considering I'd asked it of him. On the other hand, however, the kisses on the cheek he invariably ended our time together with were doing all sorts of things to my nervous system, I still had regular dreams in which we were _a_ _lot_ more intimate, and there was no more denying that I was physically attracted to him. _Very much so._

A part of me still felt like I was rushing things somehow, jumping into a new relationship before I'd really had the time to come to terms with the end of my previous one. The crate full of my clothes and personal possessions that I had left in New Hampshire had arrived with notes from all of the Cullens but Edward, telling me, each in their own way, that they loved me, they would miss me, and hoped I would live a happy life. Alice had added a long apology and a promise to be available whenever I felt comfortable to talk about it with her, but I had so far refrained from calling her. I had not contacted Edward either, although I knew I would need to find some sort of closure on that front eventually. The anger at their keeping the secret for so long was still there though, even if I had forgiven Jake for his part in it, and a large part of me dreaded the discussion I knew I needed to have with Edward. It still hurt a lot that he had just _walked away_, that he had not tried to fight for me.

For a few weeks it was just a whirlwind of Jake, the pack, Charlie (who, when I'd finally confessed to trying the whole dating thing with Jacob, had simply grunted, although he'd seemed unusually cheerful for a few days), more Jake, a new job at Forks' local newspaper, Kim's adorable baby, still more Jake, and very little time alone, through it all, to sit down and assess the situation. I was constantly in a state of nervous anticipation and low arousal when around Jake, but I was still too unsure and confused to do anything about it myself. A part of me really wished he'd just make the first move already, while another part was extremely anxious at the mere idea of it. It was confusing and frustrating, and… had I felt anything _else_ in the last month?

On a rainy Saturday afternoon (were there any other types, in Forks?), three weeks after our first date, I invited Jake over, for a change, since Charlie was spending the weekend at Sue's. Jake had some studying to do for his summer class and I felt guilty that our spending so much time together might affect his grades, so I promised to let him work while I did a little cleaning around the house. I also decided to make the tomato sauce from scratch for the cheese and spinach lasagna I'd put on the menu for dinner; we spent the whole afternoon in comfortable silence in the kitchen, Jake pouring over his books on the table, while I cooked and stirred at the stove. It was incredibly peaceful, just knowing he was there, even if we barely talked. Eventually though, his werewolf-sized appetite made itself known in the form of a loudly gurgling stomach, and I couldn't help but smirk.

"It still needs another half-hour," I told him solemnly, mocking him a little as I finished cleaning up the counter area. The aromas coming from the oven really _were_ starting to be distracting. "Think you'll survive?"

There was a downright mischievous grin on his lips when he got up from the table and started slowly rounding it towards me. "Maybe I'll nibble on something else in the meantime," he threatened with a large smile and the sexiest growl I'd ever heard.

I ran for it.

I was wracked with uncontrollable laughter, and I was pretty sure a shrill squeal or two had escaped me, but the thought of Jacob trying to catch me to nibble on any part of my body was making my heart pound against my ribcage as adrenaline flowed through my veins, and arousal flushed through me. It made me feel _alive_.

Jake was a slowpoke today, because I managed to put the whole length of the couch between us by the time he followed me into the living room. I had backed myself into a corner, Charlie's chair behind me, Jake blocking my path to the stairs (the thought of trying to escape upstairs without breaking a leg was too scary anyway), and no real chance of escaping the giant of a man intent on catching me, but frankly, I didn't give a damn.

"You really think you can escape me for long, honey?" he laughed when he saw my position.

"You don't scare me, mister Big Bad Wolf," I taunted him through my giggles, realising how ridiculous I sounded and not caring. This was _fun!_

Jake growled again, and I felt my panties become wet at the sound. Damn, that was sexy! Before I really had the time to react, he'd feinted right and left, and finally simply jumped _over_ the couch, catching me completely by surprise; the shriek that escaped me probably had dogs barking all the way in Seattle. I had no idea how he'd managed it, but somehow, I ended up sprawled on top of him on the floor (he'd missed smashing the low table to smithereens by a hairsbreadth), breathless from laughter, and all too aware of the way my breasts were pressed against his chest, my hips were aligned with his, and my lips were mere inches from his.

"Gotcha," Jake whispered while running his fingers through my hair. I was trying to calm my body down, knowing he could hear my frantic heartbeat and ragged breathing, but I didn't seem to be able to focus on anything else but his lips. So close…

"Is there any way I can plead for mercy?" I finally managed to say, hoping I didn't sound as unravelled as I felt. I tore my gaze away from his mouth and looked up in his eyes, the humour of the situation breaking through the haze of desire at last. "I kind of need all my fingers if you expect me to keep you fed on a long-term basis."

Jake wasn't done playing with my mixed emotions, though. "Just a little taste," he said in a low voice, bringing my fingers to his mouth and gently nipping at them with his teeth. My body flushed with a new wave of arousal instantly – if he kept that up I'd need to change my panties, I reflected as my hips shifted of their own accord.

The realisation that he could _smell_ me came at the exact same time that I felt Jake's own obvious arousal against my lower abdomen. He groaned loudly, and I felt a deep blush rise on my face as I stopped moving. What was I doing, torturing the poor guy, when I still wasn't sure…? But would a kiss really be that bad of an idea? We'd been dating for weeks, and…

Before I could reach a decision, Jake sat up, bringing me up with him effortlessly and letting me slide to the floor next to him. He stood up, mentioning something about setting the table, holding out a hand to help me to my feet, but I barely heard him. Disappointment at the lost opportunity flowed through me, and it occurred to me that I had maybe expected _him_ to do something, to take the decision away from me, since I clearly was too chicken to make it myself. I sighed loudly, trying unsuccessfully to expunge all my conflicting thoughts with it, and let Jake pull me up. He must have felt the shift in my mood, because he squeezed my fingers before I could release his hand, and when I still didn't look at him, he forced me into a crushing hug, and I felt his lips on my hair.

He was so good to me. I didn't deserve such a good friend. Such a good _boyfriend_, if things would just… _happen_ already. Except that I was still afraid I'd end up breaking his heart, I still wasn't sure getting involved with my best friend was such a good idea. Why did it have to be so complicated?

Jake's stomach growled loudly again when we stepped back into the kitchen, and my heavy thoughts lifted momentarily as I burst into giggles again. I had better feed the beast, if I really didn't want to lose any fingers.

"How about a salad, until the lasagna's ready?" I asked him as he gathered his books from the table. From the incredulous look he gave me, I surmised that he didn't think a salad was 'food' enough for him. "Well then you're just going to have to be patient," I said, turning to the cupboards to fetch plates and utensils.

His comeback came in such a low tone that I didn't think he expected me to hear it: "I'm nothing else but patient, honey, believe me."

I sighed, closing my eyes briefly. I still had my back to him, so I pretended not to have heard, and grabbed glasses from the shelf in front of me. It wasn't fair of me to be annoyed with him for letting me make the first move, when I'd clearly told him I wasn't ready. Only, I knew his supernatural senses picked up on my body's reactions to him whenever he forgot himself and flirted with me, or when he stepped close and kissed my cheek. He _knew_ I wanted him, and yet he held back. How had I managed to get involved with two guys who had so much control? Why couldn't my life hold a little less restraint and a little more spontaneity, consequences be damned?

Jake broke the silence when he noted that a dish that smelled so good _had_ to be ready, and I laughed at him when he managed to burn his mouth on the first bite when we sat down to eat. I tried to clear my head of all the frustration at myself and the situation, of all these _thoughts_ that didn't seem to lead anywhere these days. I had a nice movie-night planned with my best-friend-slash-quasi-boyfriend and I intended to enjoy it.

Unsurprisingly, it didn't take long for Jake and I to finish dinner (I could swear he barely chewed his food as it was going down), and we soon made our way to the living room for a movie marathon. Jake had chosen a few 'classics' (for such values of classics as could be expected from a twenty-year-old werewolf), amongst them the original _Alien_ movie and the _Star Wars_ trilogy that had been filmed before either of us were born.

"Really, Jake? Science-fiction?" I teased him. "And you expect me to manage to stay awake all night to watch these?" I didn't really mind the movie selection, but I couldn't let him think he'd get away with never watching another romance with me either.

"Hey, there's a love story in _Star Wars_," he exclaimed, feigning indignation at my lack of confidence in his tastes. "And if you manage to sleep through _Alien_, then I'll never call you a wimp again. I had nightmares for _weeks_ when I first saw it."

"Yeah, but you were what? Twelve?" I pointed out, heading upstairs to change clothes. The biggest difference between my relationships with Edward and Jacob (so far) was how instead of having to bundle up to avoid getting cold when snuggling in front of the television, I had to strip down to as few layers as possible. The man was a _furnace_. "I'll kindly remind you, dear, that I lived for four years with a houseful of vampires. Horror movies don't quite cut it anymore."

"I was _eight_, actually," he yelled after me. The rest of his grumbled remarks were unintelligible as I closed the door of my bedroom to undress (although I thought I caught the words 'bloodsucker' and 'leech' a few times). I traded my jeans and long-sleeved t-shirt for a pair of light cotton drawstring pants and a fitted camisole, deciding to forgo the bra considering that, whatever Jake might say, I fully expected to fall asleep on that couch. It might also have crossed my mind that one less layer of clothing between us would not be a bad thing. Maybe.

When I came back down, I was happy to see that Jake had set up the first movie and gotten comfortable himself by taking off his t-shirt, leaving him in nothing but a worn pair of khaki shorts. He'd been unusually scrupulous about wearing shirts since we started dating, and although I knew he did it for my benefit, to make me as comfortable with him as possible, I kind of inwardly lamented the fact. Right now however, the sight of his _very_ well-defined muscles and flat washboard stomach made me rethink the 'no bra' idea – it was too late to go back upstairs without bringing attention to myself, but I was sure my nipples were suddenly very visible through the thin material of my top.

"Come here," Jake called me, patting the couch between his extended legs in invitation. He'd moved the couch to an angle that would make it more comfortable to watch the television while stretching out along its length, and packed all our pillows behind his back, against the armrest.

When I hesitated slightly, he mock-growled. "Come _here_, I said. I won't bite – unless you ask nicely." His smirk was just this side of naughty, and I couldn't believe he'd said that. Now I knew my hard nipples were _definitely_ showing through my top.

There was a flash of some kind in his gaze (satisfaction, I thought), before he sobered. "Sorry, Bells," he said while tugging on my hand until I sat exactly where he wanted me to. "I'll behave, I promise. Perfect gentleman."

Yeah, that was the problem.

He'd decided to start with _Star Wars_, but I barely noticed what was going on in the world of lightsabers and stormtroopers. Jake had positioned us so that my back was propped up against his chest, his legs stretched out on each side of mine (the couch was just barely long enough for him), and his arms around my waist. It was the same position we had watched movies in countless times before, but for some reason, tonight it felt… different. The slow mindless circles his thumb was rubbing against my stomach felt stimulating instead of soothing, his unnatural warmth seeping through my thin clothes was invigorating instead of relaxing. By the time the planet Alderan exploded, I had tingles running through me from toes to fingertips; by the time the Death Star exploded in turn, Jake's fingers on my stomach had found their way underneath my top to trace light patterns directly on my skin, and my own fingers were bunched into the fabric of his shorts, holding on tightly to refrain from doing… something. I got up and fled to the kitchen the moment the end credits started rolling.

"Do you want something to drink? Water? I can make some popcorn, if you'd like." I was babbling, but it was better than the alternative – another minute of the torture his fingers had been dolling out and I would have attacked him.

"Yeah, popcorn sounds good," he replied – naturally. There really was no end to a werewolf's hunger.

I managed to calm down somewhat while I prepared our snack and gulped down some icy cold water, but my heartbeat picked up its uneven tempo almost instantly when we settled back down for the second movie, in the same position except for the large bowl of popcorn I now had in my lap. Access to the now highly-sensitised skin of my belly being restricted to him, Jake elected to run the fingers of the hand that wasn't buried in popcorn through my hair instead, sending shivers coursing along my spine. The rebels hadn't even made it off the icy planet of Hoth yet, and all I could think about was moving the bowl to the table so his hand would fall in my lap instead, on his next sweep for popcorn. Hopefully he'd take the opportunity to do something about the throbbing flesh between my thighs, and… I took a deep breath, willing the fantasy away. I had to get a grip on myself.

I didn't catch much of the rest of the movie, too distracted by the feeling of Jake's chest moving just that much more closer to my back each time he inhaled, the tingling of my scalp where his short nails scratched lightly as he ran his fingers through my hair, the warmth of his bare feet pressing against mine to keep my toes from turning into ice cubes. His legs were slightly bent in order to reach my feet with his and my hands had found their way just inside the edge of his shorts, rubbing the skin of his thighs just above the knees. I felt his breath catch against the back of my neck every time my thumbs dipped to the skin on the inside of his knees – my big bad werewolf was _ticklish_!

It was still relatively early when _The Empire Strikes Back_ faded to starry black, and I was as far from sleepy as one could get, so after cleaning up the remnants of popcorn and each taking bathroom breaks, we headed once again for the couch, and the conclusion of the space trilogy. This time though, Jake rearranged the pillows and lied completely down, on his side with his back to the cushions and his head propped up by his right hand, his too-long legs bent at the knees. There were maybe six inches of couch left in front of him, if that.

"I don't think I can fit in that space, Jake," I told him doubtfully, standing in front of the couch and trying not to imagine how wonderful being pressed so close to him would feel. He really _was_ trying to drive me out of my mind with lust, I'd decided.

"Don't be ridiculous, you're tiny," he answered in a no-nonsense tone, patting the spot in front of him in a repeat of his earlier gesture. "Don't worry, I won't let you fall off," he grinned.

Well, there wasn't much I could do to get out of it, and I didn't really want to anyway, so I manoeuvred myself into the small space, my head resting on a small pillow a little lower than his, the back of my thighs meeting his legs and forcing my knees to bend slightly. Jake snaked his left arm under mine to grab me around the waist and pull me into him, and my heart skipped a painful beat. There wasn't enough space between his front and my back to squeeze a sheet of paper. Even _very thin_ paper.

"See," he breathed into my ear, his lips just brushing my earlobe and sending a fresh wave of shivers down my spine, "plenty of space."

I refrained from commenting, afraid of what might come out of my mouth, and simply pressed play on the remote.

I tried to follow the story, but just like with the other movies, it proved inadequate to keep my mind from wandering to the feeling of Jake's skin against mine, of his lips against the crown of my hair where he pressed light kisses every few minutes, of his hand slowly stroking my side from ribcage to hip and back. Luke had just made it back to Dagobah when I realised that I was slightly arching my back with each upstroke of Jake's hand, silently inviting him to go just that much higher and palm my breast, hoping for the relief of his fingers' touch on my hard-as-rock nipple. When his hand paused just shy of where I wanted it and his lips pressed hard against my temple, I lost it. All thoughts of wanting to be sure of my feelings and of taking things slow fled my mind, and in a burst of gracefulness that would have amazed me had I taken the time to think about it, I flipped around to my other side and plastered myself to Jake from lips to chest, tangling my legs with his and rocking my hips against the erection I'd felt at the small of my back for a while.

The kiss was… everything it should have been, and then some. His initial shock had quickly dissipated and he'd responded to the press of my lips to his by parting them slightly, letting me suck his bottom lip between mine and countering with a sweep of the tip of his tongue against my upper lip. He had reacted to my sudden movement by pulling me even further into him (he'd said he wouldn't let me fall off, after all), pushing up on his right arm to tuck me halfway underneath him, and I found myself on my back, staring up at him as he very meticulously plundered my mouth. It was sweet and hot at the same time, out-of-control yet slow, hard and soft. My hands had made their way to his hair of their own volition, his left hand was _finally_ caressing my breast over my thin camisole, and when we finally came up for air after what was surely several minutes, I didn't let him retreat too far, raining kisses down his jaw to his throat and back up to take a small bite at his earlobe. The low groan he rewarded me with triggered my own moan, and my hips jerked up into his in a reflexive motion.

"God, Jake…" I moaned again, lightly brushing my hand across his shoulder and down the back of his arm to his elbow, enjoying the feel of his smooth skin against the sensitised tip of my finger pads.

"Bells, honey…" he whispered in a voice that was best described as strained and sexy-as-hell. "Slow down."

His words were like a sudden cold shower: my whole body screeched to a halt.

Jake didn't want me.

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_Yes, I know, she's crazy. But remember that she's had four years of Edward stopping things just when they were getting good… That's got to have left a mark._

_Let me know what you think!_


	14. Jacob: Freakout

_I'm glad everyone understood to some degree why Bella overreacted at the end of the last chapter. Hopefully this will clear out the matter for everyone – including poor Jake!_

_I do not own any rights to _Twilight_, which belongs to Stephenie Meyer, nor to any of the _Star Wars_ movies, which are the brainchildren of George Lucas (this should perhaps have been mentioned in the previous chapter, as well)._

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Four**teen – Jacob**

It was torture – sweet, painful torture.

Watching movies with Bella had always been a test of my control, but there was a world of difference between keeping your hands to yourself when the girl cuddling up with you simply thought of you as a big and warm teddy bear, and doing the same when you could feel her body reacting to your proximity, see and smell the signs of her arousal.

Bells came down from her bedroom in nothing but light yoga pants and a tight-fitted tank top, and I knew I was in for an evening of delightful torture. She'd even opted to go without a bra – I could see the outline of her nipples through the thin fabric of her top, and I groaned inwardly.

"Come here," I told her, patting the space between my stretched-out legs on the couch for her to park her nice little ass on. She was hesitating, eyeing me sceptically; maybe I should have kept the t-shirt on, but I always ended up being too hot, and I'd been really good about being fully clothed around her lately. So I repeated myself: "Come _here_, I said. I won't bite – unless you ask nicely."

Her nipples tightened at my remark, making them even more visible, and I couldn't hold back a smile of satisfaction. _I_ was the one she was reacting to these days. It was one hell of a rush.

I didn't want to make her uncomfortable though, so I turned serious, tugging on her hand until she'd positioned herself with her back against my chest, between my legs. "Sorry, Bells. I'll behave, I promise. Perfect gentleman."

In my defence, I really _tried_ to. I'd chosen the original _Star Wars_ trilogy because I'd seen each movie at least a dozen times each, they were my favourites, and Bells had once mentioned not remembering them much. What I hadn't anticipated though, was that the downside to knowing all the dialogue by heart was that the movies didn't prove much of a distraction from the supple body resting against mine, from the soft skin my fingers sought out without my conscious consent, from the faint sweet aroma of desire coming from said supple body. I tried concentrating on the Skywalkers' family drama, but Bella's reactions to my ministrations were much more interesting, and by the time we started _Return of the Jedi_, I wasn't even pretending anymore: I had the girl of my dreams in my arms and aroused to the point that I would probably have smelled it _without_ the supernatural wolf-senses – I intended to make the most of it.

We'd slid down the couch until we were lying sideways on it, her back pressed tightly to my front, and my greater height afforded me the perfect position to watch Bella as I let myself caress her the way I'd always wanted to. Her hair was incredibly silky, the skin of her arm smooth as a peach, her body firm yet so soft. I laid soft kisses to her hair, burying my nose in the strawberry-smelling dark mane, inhaling deeply until I felt drunk with the fragrance. She subtly pressed back into me each time my lips pressed against her, probably more reflex than conscious movement, but my body was certainly enjoying the sensation. I didn't want to take things too far and upset her, but I wasn't strong enough to stop touching her. I didn't _want_ to be.

The stroking of my hand on her side started more or less innocently, just as a caress from her waist to her hip, enjoying the dip that was accentuated by her position on her side. After a few sweeps though, Bella started to moan very softly each time my hand brushed across her ribcage, and I went higher and higher each time, drawing more of those breathy little sounds from her lips, until my fingers were just shy of brushing the underside of her breast. The first time she arched into the movement, I paused, taking a big breath to calm myself. Bella was actually, as far as I could surmise, concentrating on the movie. She was _not_, I felt pretty sure, conscious of grinding her sweet tight backside into my erection while arching her back like a bow to push her perfect little breasts towards my straying hand. As if my body needed to test the theory, I repeated the motion, slowly brushing my hand across her ribcage, down the valley of her waist, up to her hipbone, and then back again, letting my fingers dip momentarily under the fabric of her camisole to the skin of her waist on the way up, pushing the flat of my palm to her ribcage to maximise the contact, until the distance between the swell of her breast and my thumb was too small to be measurable. But I didn't touch. Each time, as she arched forward with the movement, silently encouraging me to close the gap, her hips moving in counterpoint to press against the growing bulge in my shorts, I stopped, just shy of where we both wanted my hand.

Because it _was_ unconscious on her part. And because, no matter how much I'd love to ravage her right now, we hadn't even kissed yet, and there was too much at stake to risk having her regret things later. I'd promised her and myself that I wouldn't push her, that we would take things as they came, that she would set the pace. Even if it left me a horny quivering mess some nights, even if I'd had to take matters in my own hand – so to speak – more often than I cared to admit. I was a patient man, and I had always had exceptional control.

It didn't mean that it wasn't very difficult to leave my hand right where it was, my fingers curling to follow the curve of her breast but not touching it, when her heart gave a telltale thud and she became aware of her own actions. I closed my eyes, kissing the side of her head hard, hoping she wouldn't freak, that she'd just turn back to the movie and let me hold her for a while yet, that she'd continue to allow me to _touch_ her.

I never expected her actual reaction, which was probably why I let my instincts take over when she flipped around to press her lips to mine in a hungry kiss, why I pulled her underneath me with the arm that had reflexively reached for her to prevent her from falling off the couch, why my hand landed squarely on her breast and _finally _squeezed with just enough pressure to make Bells moan in the back of her throat, why my tongue was plundering her mouth, my lips pulling at hers before any of it registered in my brain.

And why said brain completely lost all ability to function when her hands buried themselves in the hair at the nape of my neck and _tugged_, and all promises and resolutions to take things _slow_ simply ceased to exist.

I was actually getting dizzy from lack of proper airflow when our lips parted after several minutes, but Bells didn't give me a chance to think, peppering kisses across my jaw, down my throat, nipping gently at my Adam's apple before travelling back up towards my ear. I instinctively turned my head to help in her endeavour, groaning loudly when she set her teeth to my earlobe, biting just hard enough to make it _hurt… so…_ _good_. God, what was she doing to me? Our hips were slowly rocking together, the rhythm broken every time one of us moaned and triggered a sudden jerk, and all I wanted to do was tear off her tank top so that I may feel her skin against mine at last, soothe her hard nipples with my tongue, feast my eyes on all that pale skin.

There wasn't enough room on this damn couch, we would end up straining something, or we'd fall off and it would break the spell, she'd retreat from me… Damn, was she even sure about this? I needed to hear it from her, I couldn't risk…

"Bells, honey…" I managed to croak after another delightful jerk of her hips. We had to move this upstairs before I completely lost all ability to form coherent thoughts. "Slow down."

As much as I hadn't anticipated her reaction earlier, when she'd turned into me to _kiss me_, her sudden and abrupt _STOP_ at my words took me _entirely_ by surprise. Instantly, her hands left my back, her lips retreated from my skin, and her whole body pressed back into the couch, recoiling from mine. Her voice was so small and cold, it actually made me cringe: "Get off me."

I let her go immediately, automatically, shifting up and towards the back of the couch so she could slide out from under me. It never crossed my mind not to, it was ingrained in me; Billy Black's Facts of Life, Lesson Number One: "When a girl says 'no' – or any derivation of the sentiment – you don't hesitate, and you don't argue." It was particularly important to remember, I'd always felt, since I had become a wolf. I would _never_ want a woman to feel threatened by my size or my strength.

I was frozen there for a long moment, my brain unable to jumpstart and make _sense_ of any of it, and Bella used the delay in my reaction to flee upstairs. The loud bang of her bedroom door closing brought me out of my stupor, and I was climbing the stairs four at a time before the echo of our earlier moaning had completely faded from my ears.

"Bella, I'm so sorry." I said through her door, my forehead resting against the veneer, my eyes closing in agony as I heard her sobs come through clearly. "Bells, please, I don't know… God, I shouldn't have pushed, I know, I'd promised. Please…" I was begging, but I didn't care, I needed to make it right, I needed to wrap her in my arms and apologise for whatever it was that was making her cry her heart out like this. God, I was an idiot. A hormone-driven, brain-dead idiot.

"Honey, can we talk about this?" I asked, hoping the desperation in my voice would sway her. "Please open the door?"

Her voice was full of tears and misery when it finally came through the door, an answer to my prayers: "It's not locked."

Yup. An idiot.

I turned the knob slowly, taking a deep breath in preparation for the most important apologetic speech of my short life, but all words fled me when I spotted her, looking so small as she sat in the centre of her bed, clutching her pillow to her chest as if it was a lifeline, her knees drawn up towards her torso to make herself as tiny as possible. My heart _ached_ for her, and my eyes flooded with unshed tears.

"Oh God, honey," I desperately beseeched, taking the few steps separating me from the side of her bed and falling to my knees. I wanted to gather her up in my arms, but something told me she wouldn't react well to that. "What's wrong? Just tell me, please, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to hurt you, I just…" What could I say? I'd promised to let her set the pace, and then I'd gone all ape on her the minute she'd opened up.

There were still tears falling down her cheeks, but the wracking sobs I'd heard through the door had faded to hitching breaths and light sniffles. "You… you said to stop," she said in a tiny croaking voice I had to strain to hear even with my supernatural senses. "I thought you wanted me, but you never made a move, and… You said no."

_WHAT?_

"Honey, that's crazy talk," I told her firmly, trying to understand where in my actions she'd imagined the signs that I _didn't want her_. I was absolutely baffled. "Of course I want you, God, I've _always_ wanted you." I extended a hand to touch her foot, clenching my teeth when she slightly winced at the contact. What the hell had happened? "I didn't want to rush things, Bells, I told you: 'no pressure'. I meant it, I'll wait forever for you if I have to, but how can you think–"

It clicked then. I didn't know why, but her words from a starry night on First Beach over a month ago came back to me, in that moment, as clear as if she'd just uttered them: "Each time, Edward says 'slow down, love', but what he really means is 'no; I can't; I won't', and it's so hard not to let it affect me, not to imagine it means 'I don't want to'."

'Bells, honey… Slow down,' I'd said. I'd meant for us to take a deep breath, I'd wanted her to be sure, I'd hoped for us to move up here while stumbling in the stairs because we couldn't take our lips and hands off of each other long enough to walk properly.

She'd interpreted it as she'd been taught to: 'Stop, you're going too far.'

If he wasn't on the other side of the country, I'd punch Eddy in the face until it was as cracked as the sidewalk in front of La Push's general store. He'd really done a number on Bella.

"Honey," I said softly, rising slightly to reach her chin and forcing her head towards me. I waited, my hand cupping her cheek, until she lifted her tearful gaze to mine. "I _swear_ to you – I _do _want you, I _do_ love you, and I _do_ wish for us to make love. 'Slow down' only meant 'slow down', I only wanted you to be sure before we took things too far…" I rose fully to join her on the bed, keeping my movements slow so that she could stop me if she wished, so that I would not spook her. She looked ready to bolt. "I'm sorry you thought I was stopping you, Bells, because believe me, it was the furthest thing from my mind at the moment." I pressed my lips to her temple, lingering, waiting for her to speak, to move, to _react_.

It took several minutes, during which I kept my lips on her skin, kissing down her cheek to taste her tears when she didn't protest my closeness, then back up to her hair. I took one of her hands with mine, entwining our fingers as we always did, and just breathed her scent in, my eyes closed. It was just a misunderstanding, we'd get past it, and I'd show her just how much I _didn't_ want to stop her advances, if she would just give me the opportunity again. I had to believe she would.

"You must think I'm a basket case," were the first words to pass her lips once she'd regained her composure and leaned further into me, letting me wrap her in my arms at last. Her face was buried in my bare chest, and I lifted her to put her in my lap when I saw the unnatural way her spine was bending to avoid having to look directly at me. She was blushing, probably from misplaced mortification, but at least she'd released the pillow and put her arms around _me_ instead.

"No," I answered her truthfully when she was settled comfortably. "I think you're a beautiful, desirable, and sexy–" she snorted, but I continued without paying her any mind "–young woman whose ex-boyfriend happens to be an insensitive moron who left her with a few scars." She opened her mouth to protest, but I didn't let her. "Bells, you have to believe me. The only thing stopping us from moving forward with this relationship is you, and what I mean by that is that you're the one who decides. Whenever you're ready, whatever you're ready for. I'll be there." I raised her chin with my fingers again, wanting her to see how serious I was about this.

"I– Jake, I'm not sure…" she mumbled, lowering her gaze again, brushing at her cheeks to erase the last remnants of her tears. She sighed, then straightened her back and looked up at me. "Can I talk to Jake my best friend for a minute, not Jake my would-be lover?" There was just the trace of a smirk on her lips as she said it, and I relaxed minutely. She'd be okay. _We'd_ be okay.

"I'm not sure there's ever been a difference between the two," I told her, placing a quick chaste kiss on her mouth to make my point. I loved her. I'd _always_ loved her. She'd have to accept that sooner or later. "But I promise to keep my hands to myself for the next few minutes, if that'll make you more comfortable."

She stuck her tongue at me, and I barked out a laugh, raising both hands from where I'd been stroking her back, linking my fingers behind my head. Hers were still pressed against my chest, feeling exquisitely good as they slowly rubbed uneven circles on my skin. I wasn't about to point it out and have her stop.

"I'm sorry for overreacting like this, Jake," she started her little speech. "You're right, my relationship with Edward left a scar or two, and I need to address those issues. The thing is," here she paused, averting her gaze again, a light blush rising in her cheeks, "I _want_ to move forward with you, I think I made that clear on the couch, but… Jake, I don't want to hurt you. You're my friend, and I'd never forgive myself if I broke your heart."

She was adorable when she was blushing, but I didn't want her feeling like she _owed_ me anything. "Bells, don't worry about me. That you're here, willing to give me a chance after all these years and the mistakes I made, it already means more than you can imagine. I never thought I'd get this, not really," I confessed. "Even with Alice's theory on your future – I mean, I _hoped_, and I certainly fantasised, but…" I shrugged. These last three weeks of dating Bella Swan had felt surreal in a dream-come-true way, and I didn't think I'd ever get used to it.

"But you've been so _patient_," she said, as if it made me a saint, or something. So it wasn't always easy to keep myself from kissing her senseless; it was worth it if it meant I might get to keep the girl in the end.

"I don't care," I told her, forgetting about not touching her and taking her hand in one of mine again, tangling my fingers in the long locks of her hair with the other. "You don't owe me anything, Bells. And if you don't feel ready to have torrid make-out sessions with me, it's perfectly fine." I could see her smile, despite the fact that her head was bent towards our linked hands. "Anyway, I know you won't be able to resist my gorgeous body much longer," I added in a teasing tone. "I can _smell_ you, remember?"

I'd hoped to make her blush again, and laugh, but the look she gave me was utterly serious. "I know, and… Well, I kind of thought you would have realised that I wouldn't mind…" She saw my smirk, and slapped my chest with the back of her hand. "You're a jerk, Jacob Black. You _knew_ I wanted you to kiss me all those times, and you didn't do a thing."

"I was just letting you set the pace, Bells," I told her, also serious.

She actually rolled her eyes at me. "Ever think I might have had enough of always having to initiate things with my _ex_-boyfriend?"

Huh. I _hadn't_ seen it like that, in point of fact.

"So what are you saying, exactly?" I asked her, needing things to be clear, so we could hopefully avoid any repeat of tonight's drama. The evening had started out so… _interesting_.

She took a deep breath, and faced me full on. "I'm saying that I've been dating this gorgeous guy for three weeks and that I'd expect a goodnight kiss, at the least. I'm saying that I don't want to rush into things because you mean too much to me to risk our friendship, but we both know that I'm attracted to you. I'm saying that I realise I have some things I need to work through concerning my relationship with Edward, and that I'd like my best friend to help me if he can." Her voice lowered, as she added: "I'm saying that I could very easily fall in love with you, Jacob Black, because you are an incredible guy, and it scares me, just a little bit."

This time, I didn't think of the consequences, I didn't wonder how she'd react, I didn't hesitate. I kissed her.

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_So, was Bella too 'all-over the place' with her reactions? It's hard, I find, to write a scene like that, because it doesn't always make sense when your emotions take control, and I__ for one have been known to make inappropriate jokes while simultaneously crying my heart out. In the end, they needed to clarify a few things, though, in order to hopefully avoid further misunderstandings._

_Your comments and reviews are most welcome, as usual. I can't believe the response I've been getting for this story, and I thank you very much. I feel extremely privileged._


	15. Bella: Sleepover

_I had a lot of fun (ahem!) writing this part… I hope you enjoy (cough) it too._

Twilight_ is the property of Stephenie Meyer. I doubt she'd approve of what I'm doing to her characters… *smirk*_

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Fif**teen – Bella**

It felt like a dream – a beautiful, amazing dream I never wanted to wake up from.

I could see now how I'd completely overreacted, but when Jake had said "slow down", all the insecurities, all the rejections I'd accumulated through four years of those exact words from Edward had come rushing through. It was irrational, it was crazy, and I was lucky Jake didn't turn around and run as far away as he could from the complete mess I was. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was a basket case, or worse: damaged goods. But my best friend was not the kind of guy to let a little drama faze him, and that was a trait that apparently carried into his romantic life. I was incredibly grateful for it. Maybe Angela had been right, and falling for your best friend made certain things easier.

What _weren't_ easier, however, were these conflicting emotions inside me, telling me to think carefully before committing because I stood to lose more than a lover if it didn't work out, while it was now very clear that I _wanted_ Jake, that his intention of keeping things platonic didn't cut it anymore. Besides, the guy had waited _years_ for this, shouldn't he be reaping the benefits by now?

"I don't care," he told me very seriously when I pointed out how patient he'd been. He'd moved me to his lap when I'd calmed down from the freak-out from hell (as I would forever think of it), and I was rather enjoying the closeness of his skin. His fingers buried in my long hair as he took one of my hands with his, our fingers interlocking instinctively. "You don't owe me anything, Bells. And if you don't feel ready to have torrid make-out sessions with me, it's perfectly fine."

I smiled at his words, thinking they described our earlier activities on the couch quite aptly. He was crazy if he thought I wouldn't want a repeat of that sooner rather than later. I felt faint tingles of desire start spreading through my limbs at the mere thought of it.

"Anyway, I know you won't be able to resist my gorgeous body much longer," Jake continued, his tone turning playful as he undoubtedly became aware of my reaction. "I can _smell_ you, remember?" As if I could forget!

Now that he had brought it up, though, I was curious to know why he had never used his 'supernatural' knowledge to make a move before now. He had to have known I wouldn't be opposed to it, the way I'd been in a constant state of arousal around him these last weeks. "I know, and… Well, I kind of thought you would have realised that I wouldn't mind…" I trailed off when I saw the knowing smirk he didn't manage to repress. Why, the little… "You're a jerk, Jacob Black. You _knew_ I wanted you to kiss me all those times, and you didn't do a thing." Of course, he didn't even pretend to flinch from the backhand slap I delivered to his chest. Stupid werewolf.

"I was just letting you set the pace, Bells." He was very serious, his gaze never faltering from mine; he'd promised to let me run the show, and he meant to keep that promise. Well tough – I liked a little spontaneity in my love life, and I hadn't had that in way too long.

"Ever think I might have had enough of always having to initiate things with my _ex_-boyfriend?" I told him frankly, rolling my eyes at his overly-chivalrous notions. I wasn't made of glass, and it wasn't as if Jake was the kind of guy to push if I ever said no. The way he'd instantly let me go when I'd asked him to on the couch, no questions, no hesitation, told me everything I needed to know: Jacob Black was a _good_ guy.

My words made him pause, and I could almost hear the cogs turning in his head. "So what are you saying, exactly?" he asked after a moment.

This was it; I needed to lay it all out there. Taking a deep breath to steady my nerves, I gave him the truth: "I'm saying that I've been dating this gorgeous guy for three weeks and that I'd expect a goodnight kiss, at the least. I'm saying that I don't want to rush into things because you mean too much to me to risk our friendship, but we both know that I'm attracted to you. I'm saying that I realise I have some things I need to work through concerning my relationship with Edward, and that I'd like my best friend to help me if he can." I was looking him straight in the eye when I added, my voice lowering of its own volition: "I'm saying that I could very easily fall in love with you, Jacob Black, because you are an incredible guy, and it scares me, just a little bit."

The kiss he gave me was all the answer I needed, if I still doubted how much he might want and love me. His arms completely enveloped me after lifting me up until I was straddling his legs and facing him fully, making sure I couldn't move away (as if I'd _want_ to!) as his lips nipped at mine softly, than more strongly, his tongue sweeping quickly for a taste of my upper lip. I retaliated with a lick of my own, and he took the opportunity to capture my tongue and draw it into his mouth, making me moan in the process. My hands were roaming the large expanse of his bare back, my sensitive breasts pushing into his chest, and suddenly, the thin material of my tank top felt like an unacceptable barrier between us. But I'd need to let go of his lips to remove it, and I couldn't bring myself to do that.

Jake must have been on the same wavelength, because at that moment I felt his hands reaching beneath the back of my camisole to stroke the skin of my waist, his long fingers spanning the breadth of my back. His hands travelled north, bringing the fabric up with them, until his thumbs were resting just at the underside of my breasts.

I tore my mouth from his, a loud moan of his name escaping me. God, I wanted his hands to _move_, I wanted them on my breasts, I wanted them lower…

He chuckled quietly, the vibrations travelling from his ribcage to my own through our connected hips. His lips were trailing a lazy path down the column of my throat to my collarbone, and I let my head fall backwards to help him reach his destination. When his nose rested in the hollow of my throat, I heard him inhale deeply, but he didn't move for a long moment.

"So humm…" he said, his voice strained but firm, his lips brushing against my breastbone, "would it be too forward of me to ask if I could sleep here with you tonight?"

I laughed, straightening my head until my chin rested lightly on top of his hair. I had no idea how he could be hunched forward like that and not be in agony. The fleeting thought that being a wolf might make him extraordinarily limber danced across my mind, but I had better things to consider.

"If you think I'm letting you out of arm's reach for the rest of the weekend, you're crazy, _dear_," I told him, hoping that was answer enough.

"I have to patrol tomorrow morning," he pointed out very logically while his lips retraced their path up to my chin, following my jaw to my left ear, sending shivers up my arms and down my spine. His hands were still on my back, holding me there, his thumbs just grazing the side of my breasts, driving me to distraction.

"Then we'll have to make the most of it before you leave, and then again after your return," I stated in what I thought was an extremely poised manner, considering the way my mind was solely focusing on the points where our bodies touched. Why were we still talking, anyway?

Jake hummed his approval, bringing his lips in range of mine again. I could feel his smile against mine as we kissed, slowly, tenderly, just our lips fitting together as if we'd been doing this forever.

Several minutes passed in this fashion, his hands finally imitating mine by stroking up and down my back. Incongruously, his warmth was giving me chills. They definitely were the good kind though.

"Honey?" Jake whispered at some point, when we'd retreated slightly to allow some fresh air to fill our lungs. "The movie's still playing," he continued after I'd hummed to indicate I was listening, "did you want to watch the ending?"

I groaned. "Jake, I _so_ don't care what happens in that galaxy far far away…" I didn't think I was up to revisiting the scene of my major hysterical fit right now, anyway.

He laughed, brushing my hair away from my face and kissing my nose. "It's getting pretty late, anyway," he stated. "I'll just go down and turn the TV off, make sure the door's locked, and I'll be right back, how's that sound?"

It sounded heavenly, that's how it sounded. I nodded my approval of his plan, but stayed right where I was, straddling his legs, pressing little kisses all over his face. He let me continue for a moment, but his laughter broke through soon enough.

"Bells, you have to move for me to go downstairs," he pointed out. He was just all kinds of logical tonight, wasn't he?

"Fine," I sighed exaggeratedly, pretending to pout as I slid off his lap. He chuckled, his smile so large that the white of his teeth nearly blinded me.

"Be _right_ back, honey," he repeated, kissing my lips quickly before getting up from the bed. "Don't fall asleep while I'm gone," he teased when he caught me yawning. It _was_ getting pretty late.

I really only had the intention of getting more comfortable by sliding between the sheets, but my little cry-fest had exhausted me, and by the time Jake made it back, I could barely keep my eyes open. I _felt_ his chuckles more than I heard them, when he joined me, spooning my body from behind.

"Sleep, Bells. We can pick this up in the morning," he told me when I struggled to keep awake. "I love you."

"I know," I answered, just like Han Solo, and I drifted off to the sound of Jake's rumbling laughter.

* * *

I'd always slept profoundly next to Jacob, probably because he was so warm (especially compared to my usual bedmate), and that night was no exception. What was decidedly different, however, was how I woke up to the feeling of a large warm hand completely engulfing my left breast, and of fingers lightly caressing the skin of my belly, just at the edge of my pants. The fabric of my camisole was stretched to its maximum to accommodate his strong arm under it, and it was hiked to just below my chest, putting the skin of my lower back in direct contact with the skin of Jake's stomach. I'd developed a fine sheen of sweat during the night, his body heat having kept me more than warm enough despite the sheets and comforter having disappeared off the edge of the bed sometime in the last hours. I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Good morning," Jake quietly rumbled in my ear, taking the opportunity to nip at my earlobe and kiss my cheek. I could _feel_ him smiling.

His fingers were now playing with the drawstrings of my pants, tugging too lightly to release the knot, but just hard enough to provoke a few twitches of my hips. I moaned softly, twisting my head to reach his lips with mine. "Good morning," I greeted back against his mouth, burying my hand in his hair to keep him there. The angle was awkward and our limbs were all tangled, but I'd never felt so comfortable.

We kept our kisses slow and sleepy for long moments, his hand on my breast squeezing lightly in rhythm with our coordinated breathing, his other hand roaming from my belly to my thighs, his touch light as he cupped my mound over my pants on every few sweeps. I was becoming wet with desire, wanting his touch directly on my flesh, _needing_ to feel his fingers bring me pleasure. My hips were rocking back against his without my conscious thought, and I could feel how much he wanted me too.

"Is this okay, honey?" he whispered when we had to let our lips part to take a few breaths. I was getting a painful crick in my neck, and turned my head back to watch his hands on my body instead. The contrast of his dark-hued skin against my paleness was surprisingly erotic. "You said you didn't want to rush things, but…"

Jeez, how could he be still coherent at a time like this? "I know," I said with a moan, his fingers having dipped inside my pants to briefly scratch his nails against my pubic hair before retreating. "Doesn't mean we can't… I don't know… explore?" I finished, deciding to help him along by tugging on the drawstrings of my pants myself and giving him some room to manoeuvre. I felt myself blushing at my own boldness, and cursed my fair complexion, once again.

"You're adorable when you're blushing, you know that?" Jake chuckled, taking my invitation and _finally_ slipping his fingers inside my pants to cup my throbbing flesh. "No panties _as well_ as no bra, Bells? Expecting to seduce me, were you?"

My blush only intensified (of course!), but I managed to put a playful inflection to my words: "Just wanted to be comfortable for our movie-night." He dragged a long high-pitched moan from my throat as one of his fingers slid between my nether lips and collected some of my juices before lightly brushing upwards to tease my clitoris. My hips gave an involuntary jerk at the contact. "Oh, God, Jake…" I moaned again, arching my back instinctively to press my breast more fully against his other hand.

I completely lost the ability to form words, much less coherent thoughts as his fingers endeavoured to slowly drive me crazy. As the thumb of one hand traced lazy circles around my hardening nipple, the fabric of my bunched-up top scratching against it and adding to the stimulation, the fingers between my thighs slowly rubbed, stroked and pressed into the engorged flesh of my mound, the calluses of his palm catching on the sensitive bundle of nerves at the apex at irregular intervals, making my breath hitch. Jake's lips were trailing kisses all over the side of my face, catching my own lips from time to time but never staying long. My eyes were half-lidded, but I couldn't stop my gaze from returning to the sight of his wrist disappearing inside my pants, to the movement of his fingers visible under the material. My breathing was accelerating despite my best efforts to keep it regular, pleasurable pins and needles starting to settle in my limbs.

"God, you're beautiful like this, Bella," Jake groaned in my ear, his own breathing becoming laboured. "Absolutely gorgeous." His fingers stopped their delightful ministrations for a brief moment, grabbing my inner thigh to bring it back and up over his own leg, opening me to him. Before I could register the loss of contact, his hand was back, his middle finger circling the entrance of my core once before plunging inside all the way to the knuckle. I gasped, the sudden intrusion taking me by surprise, feeling his overly-warm digit rub wonderfully against my inner walls as he slowly drew back until only the tip remained inside, then diving back in forcefully. In moments, he had a perfect rhythm going, the fleshy part of his palm hitting my clitoris on every in-stroke, quickly driving me out my mind, my juices flowing to coat his hand and my inner thighs.

"_Yes_…" I hissed between clenched teeth, feeling my orgasm building, but just out of reach. "Just like that…" His other hand left my breast then, lifting my camisole until my chest was bare to his gaze, before bringing that hand down to join the other in my pants. His arms were encircling me, and the sight of my dark and hard nipples beneath the cloth of my top, the long expanse of the white flesh of my torso framed by his russet-skinned arms, the hidden in-and-out thrusts of his finger making the fabric of my pants move in synch, was one of the most erotic displays I'd ever seen. Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, as my heart started pounding so hard I thought it might break free of my chest, Jake added a second finger to his onslaught and rubbed tight circles on my clitoris with the forefinger of his other hand. It only took three more deep thrusts, his fingers curling just so, before my inner walls clamped hard on his digits, a low keening scream of his name escaping my throat as I started convulsing in the throes of passion. He didn't relent for a long moment, drawing out my orgasm until my shaking started to abate and my flesh became too sensitive.

"Magnificent," he whispered when he'd withdrawn his hands from my pants, shifting away slightly to let me roll onto my back. Before I could even start to catch my breath, his lips were on my breast, sucking lightly on my nipple and causing my hips to involuntarily thrust up. He chuckled, the vibrations doing all sorts of very pleasurable things to my nerve endings, and put one of his huge hands on my hipbone, keeping me still. My fingers tangled in his hair, keeping his head pressed to my chest, as my respiration slowly calmed down to a more normal level. Man, had I _ever_ needed that!

After another long moment of just breathing in synch with Jake, enjoying the very light pressure of his lips travelling along the underside of my breast to the valley between them, up the other to lick at my nipple, I raised my head to look at the top of his black hair, an enormous grin gracing my lips. "Hi there!" I said in a teasing tone when he refused to look up. "Having fun?" He simply hummed in answer, the reverberation tickling, and I laughed.

When he spoke, it was directly to my breasts, rather than my face: "Any chance I can convince you to stay _exactly_ like this until I return?" My mind was still suffering from orgasm-induced blankness, and he had to elaborate when I didn't react. "I'm late for patrol, honey. Leah's going to rip into my hide if I don't get going right now." There was a definite whine to his tone, and from the feel of his erection rubbing against my leg, I could guess how much he didn't _want_ to go.

I tugged on his hair until he brought his face in line with mine, giving him a long, slow kiss before releasing him and pushing on his shoulders to get him to sit up. "How about I prepare us a large lunch and promise to spend all afternoon in bed with you once you come back?" I compromised. His answering large smile and the definitely naughty look in his eyes sent tingles coursing towards my extremities.

"Deal!" he exclaimed, bounding up from the bed after leaving another quick kiss on my lips, then very casually stripping out of his shorts and turning towards my bedroom door and walking out. I stayed there, momentarily stunned by all that wondrous dark… tight… muscled flesh, until I heard the backdoor banging shut and rushed to the window to see Jake lopping towards the tree line, completely nude. Just before he disappeared into the forest he turned back towards the house, his gaze unerringly meeting mine across the distance, as he phased into a giant russet-furred wolf.

I stayed at the window long after he'd gone, only remembering to pull my top back down past my breasts when I turned away to head for the bathroom. A quick shower later, I trudged downstairs for a small breakfast and started rummaging through the refrigerator, starting on the first part of my promise.

Charlie was only going to be back after dinner, and if things went as I hoped, we'd need some serious sustenance.

_

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I hadn't written a full sex-scene like that in ages, so please don't hesitate to let me know if it was… satisfying for you!

_Of course, any comments and criticism are always welcome._


	16. Jacob: Sleepover, Redux

_I know, I know, I'm late again. I won't bore you with the details, but know that I have good reason._

_By popular request, I present: Jake's POV of their morning in bed! I sure hope it doesn't disappoint, although I'll admit it proved more difficult to write than I anticipated._

Twilight_ is, as ever, the intellectual property of Ms. Stephenie Meyer._

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Six**teen – Jacob**

Reality turned out to be so much better than my fantasies.

I didn't sleep much that night. Partly because I was so keyed-up, partly because I was afraid that the beautiful woman sleeping so peacefully in my arms would disappear if I closed my eyes. After four years of the ups and downs of hope and despair, belief and denial, it was kind of hard to get my mind around the fact that Bella was really here. Not because it was convenient, not because she needed comfort or warmth, but because she _wanted_ to be. She wanted _me_.

It probably said a lot about my insecurities, but I only managed to relax once I'd snaked an arm inside her tank top, palming her left breast in my large hand as I pressed as much of my body as I could against her back. The skin-to-skin contact comforted me, and it didn't seem to bother her, as she only quietly moaned in her sleep, arching slightly into the contact. I finally fell asleep to the steady rhythm of her heartbeat echoing through my fingers to reverberate inside my whole being.

No matter how much or how little sleep I got, some innate sense of time always woke me up in time for my patrol shifts. Of course, patrolling was the furthest thing on my mind when I realised that Bells and I had not moved an inch from our spooning position during the night. Her breathing was still regular, but very soft sounds of pleasure escaped her when I reflexively squeezed her breast, the first faint traces of arousal coming to my nostrils. She had soaked up some of my warmth as we slept, making her skin slightly flushed and damp, her body heavy where it rested against mine. Nothing mattered more, in this moment, than doing everything in my power to have the opportunity to wake up just like this for as many mornings as I possibly could, for the rest of my life.

The sheets and comforter having been pushed off the bed some time earlier and my arm having lifted her top to just below her breasts, there was nothing to obstruct my view of her creamy midriff and slim waist. The beautiful sight soon proved irresistible, and the hand that wasn't already otherwise happily occupied started roaming that expanse of smooth flesh, straying to her cloth-covered hips and upper thighs every now and then. I kept my touch light, but eventually, Bells' breathing pattern shifted, and she started waking up.

"Good morning," I whispered with a smile when she finally opened her eyes, unable to stop myself from nibbling on her earlobe, then moving to her cheek to place a tender kiss there. She moaned, either in answer to that or to the fact that my errant fingers had found the drawstrings of her pants and were lightly pulling on them. I wasn't really trying to untie her pants, but the thought was certainly becoming increasingly appealing as her hips started rocking back against mine, quickly bringing my half-erect cock to full attention in the confines of my shorts.

Her head twisted in what I was sure to be an incredibly uncomfortable angle in order to reach my lips with hers without losing contact with the rest of our bodies. "Good morning," she mumbled against my mouth, her hand finding a path in the tangle of our arms to grab the back of my head to keep me still. For long moments, our slow indolent kisses were only broken by her moans as my hands continued their ministrations, cupping her sensitive flesh through the cotton of her pants, fondling the soft mound of her breast to feel her hardening nipple poking my palm. I could hear her heartbeat accelerating just a little, smell her wetness start to flow. Her body wanted this, just as much as I did, but I still needed to be sure she wouldn't regret it afterwards. Toeing the line between taking the initiative and not pushing her before she felt ready was quickly going to drive me crazy, I was sure.

"Is this okay, honey?" I whispered when she turned her head away, releasing the surely-painful tension in her neck. Her hand was still buried in my hair, her fingers tugging in rhythm with the slow rocking of our hips, the pressure of my fingers on her breast. "You said you didn't want to rush things, but…" I would respect it if she wanted to stop, of course I would, but it would be _painful_…

I'd never been above fighting a little dirty for my Bells, so I snaked my fingers inside the tight waistband of her pants, lightly scratching my short nails against her pubic hair to give her an idea of what she might say no to. Her answering moan was _very_ encouraging. "I know," she said, the words sounding breathy, as if it was taking too much of her concentration to push them past her lips. "Doesn't mean we can't… I don't know… explore?" She blushed a lovely rosy hue then, as her own fingers sharply tugged on the ties of her pants until they gave, giving me both permission and invitation.

Dear God, _thank you!_

I was suddenly overtaken by nerves, anxious to please her, to prove my worth somehow, to convince her that _this_ – her body against mine, my lips on her skin, our synchronised ragged breathing – this was where we both belonged, where I needed her to want to _stay_. But just as quickly as it had come, the nervous tension disappeared as a feeling of rightness overcame me, a sense of how _natural_ this was. Bella would feel this too; how could she not? Her path had been leading her here for so long.

"You're adorable when you're blushing, you know that?" I forced a chuckle, letting the last vestiges of stress seep out of me. My hand slowly inched its way inside her now loose pants until it rested snugly at the junction of her thighs, directly cupping her soaking flesh. My dick throbbed painfully, my hips jerking against her ass, when I realised she wasn't wearing underwear. "No panties _as well_ as no bra, Bells? Expecting to seduce me, were you?"

She blushed even more deeply, but her words were teasing and light: "Just wanted to be comfortable for our movie-night." Yeah well, truth be told, if I'd known that little fact last night, we might never have made it through the _first_ movie!

I wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I took advantage of my unexpected freedom of movement by dragging a finger in one long slide along her inner lips, gathering the moisture there before lightly brushing the pad of my fingertip against her clitoris. Bells rewarded me with a long drawn-out, high-pitched moan: "Oh, God, Jake…" My name had never sounded better on her lips, wanted, _needed_, and I moaned in turn as she arched her back, pressing her chest more fully into my other hand.

I had always known Bella to be a sensual creature; I'd seen hints of it in the past, when she would sometimes forget herself and let her flirty side shine through, when she'd let the walls she'd erected between us fall for a time, and just _be_ with me. But it was absolutely _nothing_ compared to the vision of sexual abandon I feasted my eyes upon as I endeavoured to please her, to make love to her with my hands. She responded to every brush of my fingertips, every press of my palms, every stroke of my hands with deep-throated sounds, with instinctive movements, telling me without words what she liked, what could drive her crazy with lust. I couldn't stop myself from raining light kisses on every inch of skin within range of my lips, catching her own sometimes, but never for long, unable to keep still, unable to stop my gaze from returning to the alluring sight of her heaving breasts, the flushed skin of her long torso, my darker-hued wrist disappearing inside the material of her pants. "God, you're beautiful like this, Bella," I groaned, my own heartbeat becoming erratic, my breathing coming in short pants. "Absolutely gorgeous."

I could feel her pleasure escalating, her juices flowing more freely to soak my hand and her inner thighs, and I grabbed her leg, caressing the smooth sensitive flesh there as I moved it up and backwards to itch over my own, opening her to me. Before she could protest the loss of my fingers, I pressed them back to her throbbing nether lips, circling her entrance with my middle finger before driving it fully inside her warm core in one long thrust, making sure to hit the highly-sensitive nerves of her clitoris with the fleshy part of my palm. The sudden intrusion made her gasp in surprise, but as I settled in a rhythm of quick forceful thrusts and slow drawn-out retreats, feeling every ridge and bump of her inner walls latching onto my finger, her moans transformed into pants, the huffs of her short breaths eliciting tingles where they landed on my upper arm.

"_Yes_…" she hissed. "Just like that…" The rocking of her hips was starting to lose its rhythm, and I knew her orgasm was close. I wanted to see as much of her as possible, wanted to burn the memory of the incredible beauty of Bella in the throes of passion in my mind for eternity. As I sped up the thrusts of my finger, I hiked her camisole as far as it could go with my other hand, finally baring her perfectly round breasts and tight dark nipples to my sight. It was incredibly erotic, the whiteness of her flawless skin in contrast to the reddish hue of my arms encircling her as I brought my hand down to join the other, snagging the fabric of her pants on my wrist and giving me just a peek of her jerking hipbones, of my hand between her thighs. As I felt her inner flesh start to spasm, I plunged a second finger along the first one, quickly tracing tight circles on her clitoris with my other hand's fingers as I thrust once… twice… three times and she exploded in pleasure, the convulsions of orgasm overtaking her as I continued to gently move my fingers as far as her clenching walls allowed, rubbing her clitoris with the barest of pressure until she flinched from it, too sensitive.

"Magnificent," I breathed in her ear as I released her, shifting my body just enough to allow her to roll onto her back, latching onto her nipple with my lips the moment it was accessible. Her breathing was still ragged and rapid, quite satisfyingly pushing her chest into my face, and her hips gave an involuntary jerk as I sucked lightly on the taut flesh in my mouth. I chuckled, an unmistakable feeling of male pride enveloping me as I put my hand on her hipbone to press her back into the mattress. The tension of her orgasm was slowly ebbing, leaving her body limp and heavy, her fingers lazy as they tangled in my hair to keep me pressed against her chest. She should not have worried – there was nowhere else I'd rather be.

I breathed her in slowly, letting the smell of sex, of spent passion invade my senses, as I continued to press light kisses all over her chest, licking at her nipples, eliciting giggles when my actions tickled her. My erection was throbbing against the material of my shorts, and I wanted nothing more than to strip Bella completely, to bury myself in her soft warmth and stay there forever. But I couldn't, even if she would let me. Because I was _late_.

"Any chance I can convince you to stay _exactly_ like this until I return?" I asked, my face still a hairsbreadth from her beautiful, beautiful breasts, my arms on each side of her hips, my long legs tangled with hers. "I'm late for patrol, honey," I elaborated when she didn't react. "Leah's going to rip into my hide if I don't get going right now." At least it _was_ Leah this month, and not any one of the guys who would have ragged on my ass incessantly in the last weeks of platonic dates and frustrating hard-ons. Not that Leah didn't give me a hard time about it, but I think she respected that I was letting Bells call the shots. I held the slimmest of hopes that she might forgive my tardiness this morning, if she gave me the chance to explain.

Bella tugged on my hair until I relented and climbed up her body to face her, rocking my hips against her thigh reflexively as she gave me a long, slow kiss, making me momentarily forget anything else but the wonderful creature beneath me. "How about I prepare us a large lunch and promise to spend all afternoon in bed with you once you come back?" she proposed when she'd released my lips and pushed on my shoulders until I'd sat up. I absolutely _loved_ the way she thought!

"Deal!" I kissed her one last time, jumping up from the bed before I lost all my resolve. She looked like debauchery personified, skin still flushed to a rosy hue, tangled hair splayed out on the pillows, tank top pushed up to her armpits leaving her breasts and torso bare to my gaze, loose pants low on her hips, just a hint of pubic hair visible at the top. I really hoped the jolt of phasing would be enough to make my massive erection disappear, or else Leah was going to get an eyeful!

Since roundabout was fair play, I stripped my shorts right where I stood, giving Bella ample time to look her fill, then turned around and headed down to the backdoor. I could feel her gaze burning a hole in my ass as I jogged to the tree line – she was standing at the window when I turned around.

"Fuck," I half-cursed, half-moaned. Her top was still completely hiked up, giving me quite the view of her perfect little round breasts. My dick throbbed, and I almost went straight back inside.

"Where the hell have you been?" Leah's inner screech invaded my brain the instant I phased. Before I could control my thoughts, an image of Bella, all flushed and in the throes of passion, flashed through my mind. "Well about damn time," was all my wolf-sister said, and she turned her attention back to her patrolling. Yup. Thank God for Leah.

* * *

Bells and I _did_ get to spend that afternoon in bed, although I shamefully fell asleep shortly after we'd finished the enormous lunch Bella had prepared. The lack of sleep had caught up to me, but she stayed right there in my arms, reading a book as I dreamt of all the sinful things I wanted to do to her with my hands, my lips and my tongue. Our morning activities had awoken something in both of us, and for the next several days, we could barely keep our hands off each other the minute we had a minimum of privacy.

We furthered our 'explorations', as Bells had deemed them, learning each other's likes, each other's ticks. I found a spot behind her right ear that made her moan extra loudly when I kissed it; she discovered just how ticklish I could be if she kept her touch too light; I realised that if she was worked up enough, I could make her come just by sucking on her big toe; she made me lose control once, without even touching my dick. We were insatiable, we barely ever slept apart (we'd both confessed to sleeping better with the other there), and I thought I was the luckiest man alive.

Except that there was still some sort of barrier between us, Bells was still somewhat aloof, and I didn't know why, or how to break that wall down. We didn't talk much anymore, using every opportunity in our hectic schedules of work, patrol, school, dads, friends, etc. to lie in bed (or on the couch, in the backseat of the Rabbit, on the workbench in my garage…), to kiss for hours, to enjoy being together physically, if not 'completely'.

Just as I'd thought, the thin line between not waiting for her to make the first move all the time and not pushing her into things she didn't feel ready for was not an easy one to tread. She was very responsive to my ministrations, not at all shy with her own body and letting me know with her moans and sighs of pleasure, with the way she would arch into my touch, just how much she liked my hands and lips on her skin; but she rarely retaliated, leaving me hanging more often than not. If her goal was to drive me mad from unresolved sexual tension and lust, than she was doing a wonderful job of it – I hadn't had to jerk off in the privacy of the bathroom so often since my early teens!

The problem was, I didn't know if it was because she wasn't ready to take things further, or if her weird relationship with Eddy had conditioned her to slow things down, past a certain point. I didn't know how to bring it up without sounding like the jerk who wanted _more_, and let's face it: mentioning her ex-boyfriend while half-naked in bed wasn't high on the 'Top Ten Ways to Keep Your Girlfriend Happy' list. And since we spent almost all our time alone these days being half-naked in bed…

I realised something had to give about three weeks after our first very 'interesting' movie-night, when Seth mentioned how unhappy I seemed for a guy who'd just nailed the girl of his dreams. He was replacing his sister on patrol that morning, for reasons unknown (he didn't know why either, aside from the fact that she'd actually asked politely, and he'd been too surprised to refuse), and had started on my case the minute we'd phased.

"I don't get it, man. Shouldn't you, I don't know, be over the moon right now? Bella's with you, just like Alice 'saw', just like you've been hoping for, like, _ever_. Why the hell are you moping?"

He had a point, but I wasn't about to explain to the kid that I thought the scars Deadward had left Bells with ran a little deeper than I'd surmised. He caught some of that from my thoughts, of course, but I didn't want to elaborate – some things really deserved to stay private. "I'm just afraid of screwing things up, that she could change her mind again," I hedged, because that really _was_ what it all boiled down to, in the end. I _was_ happy, whatever Leah and Seth might think, but I was also living in constant fear of waking up from this dream-like reality.

"I hate to break it to you, bro," Seth argued, "but that's life. We like a girl, somehow manage to have her liking us back, and from that moment on, it's just a countdown to the moment when we fuck up and she doesn't anymore. You're just luckier than most knowing that the odds are in your favour." There was a trace of resentment behind his words, and I wondered what had happened with the girl he'd taken to prom, beyond the widely known and very entertaining tale of how he'd scared her nearly to death by trying to sneak into her second-floor bedroom.

By the way his thoughts closed off, I understood he didn't want to talk about it, so I tried to lighten the mood by teasing him: "When did _you_ become such an expert on relationships, squirt?"

Seth scoffed haughtily, raising his chin funnily as we ran side by side. "You try patrolling nights with Embry for a full month, and see how much useless shit you learn!"

I grinned, tongue lolling out, as I started reciting from memory: "Red roses for 'I love you' and beauty; pink roses for 'Thank you'; white roses for innocence; yellow roses for friendship; orange roses for desire–"

"Stop, _stop!_ Please… no more!" Seth mock-pleaded, barking a series of laughs as he tried to nudge me into a tree. "That shit should be considered a cruel and unusual punishment!"

I chuckled, remembering how useful I'd found the knowledge when preparing for my first date with Bells, and it suddenly occurred to me that we hadn't gone out in three weeks. When had I become the guy who stopped making an effort the moment he got the girl in bed? Jacob Black was not that guy, no sir, and I would remedy that lapse of judgement the moment we had a free evening. Hopefully, we'd get to talk like we used to again, and maybe I could get a sense of what was going on in that beautiful head of hers.

"You're a sap, Black!" Seth declared, and I spent the rest of patrol teasing him with Embry's Encyclopaedia on Girly Stuff.

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So there you have it. Nothing's ever easy for those two, is it?

_Or maybe I'm just evil that way…_


	17. Bella: Closure

_This chapter was all kinds of difficult to write, for a myriad of reasons, and that's why I'm a day late again__ (and also why it's so short). I apologise, and I hope the quality wasn't too affected._

_Stephenie Meyer and probably a bunch of other people and corporations hold the rights to _Twilight_._

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Seven**teen – Bella**

Once again, a conversation changed everything.

The last few weeks had been nothing short of pure bliss. Although we had to schedule around our work shifts, his patrols and summer class, and making an effort to hang out with the pack from time to time, Jake and I spent the majority of our free time exploring our newfound intimacy, and I'd never felt so _loved_ and so _wanted_. Jake was proving to be a _fantastic_ lover – not that I would have had any doubts, had I let myself think of such things, before. The guy had always been so 'tactile', always demanding some physical contact – be it holding my hand, crushing me with his hugs, or kissing my forehead and my hair – that it was really no surprise that he turned into a human octopus now that he had access to all of my skin! And I really wasn't complaining.

We hadn't gone further than bringing each other pleasure with our lips and hands, we hadn't _made love_ yet, and I knew I wasn't being entirely fair to Jake in that regard. It was probably stupid, but I couldn't help feeling inexperienced, suddenly, when he could bring me such absolute pleasure so easily and I… well _I_ had never had the opportunity to learn how to do that with Edward. So as much as it baffled me, because it was _Jake_ and I _wanted_ to show him what he meant to me, how much I loved him and wanted him too, I was fumbling, shyness gripping me at the most inopportune moments, making my own caresses light when his became more rough, my kisses almost chaste when his were so passionate. And Jacob didn't say anything, didn't complain, because he was the most patient man on the planet and he'd promised not to push.

If _he_ wasn't getting frustrated with me, _I_ certainly was!

I hated that my relationship with Edward was _still_ having such an effect on my relationship with Jacob, that I sometimes felt uncomfortable with my best friend when I used to be able to share everything with him, that the more I realised that I was falling in love with the gorgeous man who had been so devoted to me for so many years, the more there seemed to be some sort of wall between us. It had nothing to do with him, it was all in my head, I knew that, and yet, I couldn't get past it. I didn't know _how_.

Jacob had left for patrol that morning after another aborted make-out session in my bed, kissing me sweetly and wishing me a good day despite the fact that I had just turned him down once more, and I'd nearly yelled at him for being so… sweet. The situation was getting ridiculous; my nervousness was building upon itself the longer it lasted, making matters _worse_ with time instead of easier. It was driving me crazy, and I had no one to talk to because Angela had left for Seattle and Emily – well, I didn't really feel comfortable talking about my sex life with her, honestly.

I was thus kind of suspicious at the timing when I received a text message from Alice that same morning. Time had gone so fast, it hadn't really occurred to me that the end of August was upon us, and the Cullens would be in the process of moving to England, where they would start high school all over again for the umpteenth time. Her message was short, indicating that she would very much like the opportunity to apologise to me in person before they moved, that she could come to Forks if I was willing to meet her, but she would understand if I refused.

How could I?

Alice was my best friend next to Jake, and even though I _was_ incredibly hurt that she had had a hand in the deal Edward and Jacob had made regarding my future, I missed her and I missed our girl talks. We could always keep in touch, even when they moved to another continent, but if this was my last chance to see the little impish pixie, I wasn't going to miss it.

She must have seen that I would agree, because when I called her, she answered in her usual chipper tone that she was already in town, and that she'd meet me after my shift at the paper. I shook my head ruefully after hanging up – how could anyone ever say no to that girl?

Alice hadn't changed in the last two months, of course. The moment I was home, she nearly jumped into my arms, squealing. "Oh Bella, I'm so happy to see you!"

I hugged her close, feeling my eyes tearing up. I'd missed her so much! Any remaining anger I might have held towards her dissolved right then. I had questions, I wanted to hear her side of the story, just as I had needed to hear Jake's reasons, but I'd had time to come to terms with the whole sordid affair, and I couldn't deny that I'd been happier in the last six weeks of dating Jacob, than I'd been in at least two years with Edward. Alice seemed to agree with me.

"You're glowing Bella, you look so happy. You are, right?" she asked for confirmation. Once I'd nodded, smiling, she continued: "It's hard, not being able to 'see' what's happening to you, I'm not used to being blind like this." She was grumbling, but it was all for show. Alice was genuinely happy for me, and that meant more than I thought it would. I realised that I'd been afraid they would all resent me, for breaking Edward's heart.

We settled on the couch and talked for hours, sharing what had happened since I'd left New Hampshire, how my relationship with Jake was progressing, why Alice had never told me my future had become shielded from her powers. She told me of the ancient estate they would be moving to in England (vampires in a creepy old castle – go figure!), I told her of my job at Forks' Forum. We avoided the subject of Edward, apart from Alice letting me know that he was fine, that he was holding up. I was glad to hear it, and it strengthened my resolution to talk to him to clear the air, to maybe find a few answers to questions that were still hurting me.

"The rest of the family left yesterday, they'll have reached our new home by now," Alice told me when I asked when they were leaving. "We'll catch a flight to New York City from here, then connect to London. School starts soon." She even managed to sound excited at the prospect of going back to the world of horny teenagers.

"We?" I exclaimed, her choice of words finally registering. "Jasper is here with you? Why didn't he–" I never got to finish my sentence.

"Not Jasper, love."

I spun around so quickly, I nearly gave myself whiplash. Edward was standing in the passageway to the kitchen, his hands in his pockets and looking for all the world like a kid who knew he'd done something wrong, but was hoping not to get yelled at. I jumped from the couch the moment my body caught up with my brain, miraculously managing not to break anything as I rushed to him. He caught me in a tight hug when I reached his position, the fact that he was so unnaturally strong the only thing keeping us upright when I crashed into him.

"I've missed you, my beautiful Bella," he whispered against my hair, squeezing me just a little too hard, the same way Jacob used to hug me. Tears overflowed from my eyes, trailing down my cheeks and wetting his polo shirt.

"I'll leave you two to talk," Alice said before I could form any words. "It was good to see you, Bella, I hope you'll keep in touch." I nodded to her, releasing my hold on Edward's waist and stepping back to hug Alice before she left.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a long moment after Alice had gone, until I sighed heavily and took my seat on the couch again, gesturing for Edward to join me. "Why didn't you show up with Alice, earlier?" I asked at length.

"I wasn't sure of the welcome I'd receive," he confessed, a rueful grin gracing his perfect lips. "And Alice wanted some time alone with you. She let me know you'd probably be willing to talk to me when she sensed me outside, just now."

I nodded, confirming that I was indeed glad for the opportunity to see him one last time. "I'm very angry with you though," I clarified, because I was sure my features didn't exactly send that vibe. It felt really weird, the pull that just his presence had on me, after two months of his absence. I'd thought I'd developed an immunity to the vampires' enthrallment, but apparently it was still somewhat effective. The fact that I'd been away from them for a while really made it clear to me, now.

"I know," Edward replied, looking chastised. "Jacob mentioned how mad you were when you learned of our agreement." His gaze met mine, and I could almost read the question in his eyes. "_How_ did you guess? You were never meant to…" He was clearly puzzled.

"It was something you said," I answered, choosing to let the fact that they'd never intended to tell me slide. I'd already rehashed it enough with Jake and Alice. "About thanking Jacob for the years you'd had, or something like that. And the way you didn't even try to stop me from leaving – like you were already resigned to it. I don't know," I shrugged, truly having no idea how my brain had connected the dots, "it just clicked."

Edward nodded his head, his gaze fixed on his clasped hands between his knees. "I was, you know. Resigned. You'd made your choice, love, and it was perhaps selfish of me to delay the inevitable for four years, but at least it gave me time to come to terms with the fact that I had lost the most wonderful thing to happen to me in nearly a century. It gave me time to really appreciate it while I still could." His voice was quiet, full of badly-hidden pain, but also of acceptance. He wasn't here to try to change my mind.

And with those words I felt the lingering pain in my heart disappear. I still didn't know what had led to my unconscious decision to make a future with Jacob rather than Edward, all those years before it had ever become a conscious thought, but it didn't matter anymore. I'd had the good fortune of meeting this incredible man, this perfect creature who'd loved me despite our differences, and I couldn't regret the time we'd had together. Edward would always remain my first love, my first lover also, and as such he'd always hold a part of my heart. But he didn't hold my future anymore.

"I'll miss you, you know," I said after we'd sat in silence for a few minutes, tears spilling onto my cheeks again. He looked up at me, and before I had realised he'd moved, I was enveloped in his cool embrace, my legs across his lap as he kissed the side of my head. It was so familiar, yet so foreign at the same time, the difference in temperature from the arms I was now used to have around me, the marble rigidity of his body compared to Jake's softer strength, the paleness of his skin so far from the dark reddish hue of my new lover's. The two men were as different as could be, and yet they both loved me, and I… I had loved one with all I was, and now loved the other just as much. The realisation came not as a surprise, but more as a confirmation of something I'd suspected for a long time.

"Is he making you happy, Bella? That's all that matters to me. Is he holding up his end of the deal?" Edward's tone held just a hint of an edge, letting me know he'd gladly take the fight to Jake if he was anything less than the perfect boyfriend.

I smiled, leaning back from his chest to look him in the eyes as I answered, so that he would know it was the absolute truth: "Yes, he is. Jacob is wonderful, and he would never do anything to hurt me. You already know that."

The unnecessary sigh he let out made me chuckle softly. My vampire (would I ever think of him in any other way?) could sound incredibly like a human teenager sometimes. "Fine," he grinned impishly, releasing me and putting a more appropriate distance between us. "I should go… Our flight leaves soon, Alice will have to push the limits of her beloved Porsche."

I gasped, only half-feigning my surprise: "She's leaving the _Porsche_ here?"

Edward's laugh was so carefree, so _real_, that I instinctively knew that he really was okay, that he would move on, in time. I was indescribably relieved. "Of course not!" he corrected my assumption. "The car is flying with us all the way to England. That's why we drove here from across the country. She couldn't bear to be separated from it for any length of time."

I chuckled in turn, and stood up with him as he moved towards the door. "Thank you for coming, Edward," I told him as we hugged again.

"Goodbye, my love," he whispered, leaving a chaste kiss on my lips. Then he stepped through the door, and disappeared from my life, one last time.

I nearly had a heart attack when Jake's yelled words resonated from behind me, just a few minutes later: "The filthy fucking _liar!_ He'd _promised!_"

I spun around, spotting my love at the backdoor, half-in, half-out. He was only wearing a pair of shorts, telling me he'd run straight here after coming home from work, but what really struck me was how his fists were tightly clenched, and yet he was still shaking. I hadn't seen Jake so close to losing control in _years_.

"Jake, what–" I didn't understand what he was so mad about, why he was just standing there, not stepping inside.

His voice was completely dull when he spoke again, his face so full of anguish I didn't think anyone could survive such pain. "You're leaving, aren't you?"

I felt like he'd sucker-punched me.

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_Good news: this stupid chapter is done. Bad news: I have a preliminary meeting for a new contract tomorrow morning, and I'll only know then what kind of hours I'll be working in the next __two to three months. Hopefully I'll get to finish the story in a timely manner, but I've got to pay the bills somehow, so I hope you'll understand if the next update takes longer than my usual two days._

_In the meantime, leaving comments is always a good way to get me writing faster!_


	18. Jacob: Fright

_Well, as I'd feared, my free time to work on this story is now drastically cut short by my return to the world of active wage earners. I apologise for it, and I'll do my best to finish the story in a timely manner anyway.__ Just, you know, don't expect new chapters several times a week anymore…_

_Stephenie Meye__r, as you all know by now, holds the rights to _Twilight_._

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Eigh**teen – Jacob**

The contrast was too much, too pronounced – my heart couldn't deal with it.

I'd practically run into the house when Sam had deposited me home after work, changing out of my work clothes into a pair of shorts only to strip out of those as soon as I reached the cover of the trees. It was quicker to run to Bells' than take the aging Rabbit (which was likely to leave me stranded on the one-ten one of these days anyway – I really needed to start looking for a new car), and I hated to be away from her any more than absolutely necessary. Maybe Seth was right: I _was_ a sap. I didn't particularly care – I just wanted to see her, hold her, kiss her… And ask her out on a date this weekend. I'd thought about it all afternoon, and had decided that a nice picnic in a secluded spot on the beach, if the weather was permitting, would probably be the best venue to get her to talk, like we used to. The beach had always been _our_ spot, which made it perfect.

My thoughts were full of romantic picnics and sunsets, so perhaps I didn't pay as much attention as I should have, or maybe they hadn't been in the backyard anyway so there was nothing to notice, but the stench only hit me as I got the backdoor open, and it literally stopped me in my tracks. I recognised Edward's and Alice's scent instantly.

The angry words were out of my mouth before I even thought about speaking: "The filthy fucking _liar!_ He'd _promised!_" He'd leave the country, he'd said. He'd let her go without a fight. I was so furious I was shaking, my clenching fists seemingly the only thing keeping me from phasing on the spot and destroying Charlie's doorway.

The questions where zooming across my mind, faster than I really had time to register, but for the most obvious: What had Alice seen, to make them come here? _How_ had Alice seen anything, when Bella and I had been practically joined at the hip lately? What had he said? Where were they now? When where they coming back for her?

Bella had been frozen in place, looking out the window to where the bloodsuckers had presumably drove off, but my shouting made her turn around to look at me, and the look on her face completely deflated my anger. She had dried tear tracks running down her cheeks, but this little Mona Lisa smile was on her lips, there was this twinkle in her eyes that I had really thought I'd never see associated with Edward Fucking Cullen again. I knew I was assuming the worst, that I didn't have all the facts, that I was jumping to conclusions. It didn't matter. I'd seen that badly-hidden excited look on her face before, the solemn expression that couldn't quite mask the pity. I'd seen it every time she'd turned me down back then, every time she'd left me for _him_.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" My words were dull even to my own ears. I saw Bella react, but it didn't really register, it didn't get through the thick fog that was quickly encompassing my brain. I was getting numb, not shaking anymore, not in danger of phasing accidentally, not feeling much of anything.

Did I really have it in me to fight for her again, if Alice had seen her leave me? The answer should have been 'yes, of course', but I didn't know right then. I'd had my chance and fucked it up… what made me so special that I should have another?

I only realised that I had slumped down on the floor, just inside the door that had closed at my back, when I suddenly had to look _up_ at Bella, who was all blurry because of the tears that I could not feel running down my face. My beautiful, lovely Bells… Love of my life; _tragedy_ of my life…

"No, no… Baby, no! I'm not leaving, I swear… Oh, _Jake_…" She crouched down in front of me, our eyes level, and took my face between her hands. I could feel the soft touch of her thumbs brushing the tears from my cheeks, but nothing else broke through the fog, her words didn't mean anything to me, they could have been spoken in a foreign language for all I understood. She was surrounded by their horrid smell, her own strawberry-and-vanilla scent completely obliterated by the leeches' sweet odour of decay, and it was all I could do not to forcefully push her away from me. It permeated the living room, her clothes, her skin… I closed my eyes, as if it could help to block the smell. It didn't of course, and it only made Bella's voice more frantic.

"Jake, Jacob, look at me. Please. I'm not leaving you. I promise." There was an edge to her tone now, enough of rising panic to make me start to snap out of it, to really listen to what she was trying to tell me. "I'm right here, Jacob, I'm with you, I _want YOU_. I love you, baby, and I am _not_ leaving you."

My eyes popped open, and I stared at her, crouching there, just inches from me but feeling so far away. "Say that again. Please," I begged in a harsh whisper, needing to confirm what I'd heard, to be certain I had not imagined it.

Her smile was absolutely breathtaking, and my heart skipped a few beats as she enunciated each word clearly: "I love you, Jacob Black."

Bella and I had been best friends for what sometimes seemed forever. We'd been dating for a month and a half. I knew she cared for me. I was hoping that she might be developing deeper feelings, and that in time, she'd perhaps return the all-encompassing love I felt for her. I didn't particularly _need_ to hear those three little words, but right now… Right now they were the best three words of the entire English language.

My speechlessness and general lack of reaction could have made her uncomfortable, might even have made her fumble and retract those words. She didn't. She laughed. "God Jake, you should see your face! I guess we both had a crazy freak-out to get out of our system, huh?" Her fingers traced the contours of my face, and I realised when her thumbs brushed against my lips that I was smiling like an idiot. Man, I _really _needed to snap out of it!

"I– I'm sorry, Bells," I started, coughing to clear my throat of the tears that had somehow lodged there. "I panicked, I shouldn't have doubted…" How could I explain without sounding like a jealous Neanderthal? Luckily for me, she cut me off before I could dig myself a bigger hole.

"Don't, Jake. It's okay. I mean, you should have asked what was going on instead of jumping to conclusions…" She raised an eyebrow, clearly making a point. "But like I said: now we're even in the miscommunication freak-outs from hell." She shrugged, as if to say that she'd been expecting it, or something.

"Sure, sure," I replied, figuring I should just accept that she wasn't going to be mad at me, and move on. Still: "What were they doing here, anyway?"

Bells rocked back onto her feet, straightening and extending a hand to me, as if there was any chance she could actually help me up. I had half a mind to pull on her hand and have her crash down into me, but I wasn't sure I could completely suppress my instinctive reaction to the bloodsucker stench she was carrying. "Alice texted me this morning, asking to see me and have the chance to apologise in person. Edward apparently tagged along, hoping for a last goodbye. They're leaving for England tonight." She said all that with no more emotion in her voice than if we'd been discussing the weather, and it finally started sinking in: she really _was_ over Eddy. She really was _mine_.

Bella Swan _loved me_.

"Jake? You okay?" She sounded worried a little, and I realised that I was still sitting there, my back to the door, barely inside the house, and that I hadn't acknowledged her outstretched hand yet. I nodded at her, smiling with all my heart, and she smiled back. I was a lucky man, I really was. "Know what? You stay there if you want," she laughingly said. "I'm going to take a shower and change my clothes so that you can kiss me without making a grimace." She turned on her heel, catching herself on the back of the couch when her feet got a little tangled somehow, and disappeared up the stairs before my brain had managed to kick into gear.

When I heard the shower start, I finally got up from my not-so-comfortable spot and made my way to her bedroom. The stench would take a while to disappear from the main floor, but thankfully neither the pixie nor Eddy had come up here. I took a deep breath as I flopped down on Bella's bed, inhaling _our_ scent, letting it invade my system, my senses. We'd slept here the last three nights, so the sheets were still saturated with our mixed essence, the subtle marriage of fruits and woodland, the spicy hint of desire from our heavy foreplay._ Much_ better than the putrid odour downstairs. It helped in making the last remnants of my 'freak-out from hell', as Bella had termed it, dissolve. She loved me. How could I not feel giddy after hearing that?

Being up here had another distinct advantage over waiting for Bells downstairs, one that became very much apparent when she trudged into the room wearing nothing but a flimsy blue towel wrapped around her body, the knot between her breasts looking so precarious that I wondered if I might be able to _think_ it loose. I certainly was trying, anyway.

"Jake!" Bells fairly screeched, evidently surprised to find me so comfortably positioned on her bed. She was frowning in disapproval, but I just grinned wider. I hadn't actually thought she'd come out of the bathroom undressed, it was just a really happy turn of events. One I intended to make the most of.

"I'm pretty sure you promised me a kiss before you disappeared in the bathroom," I said, waggling my eyebrows and puckering my lips to make kissing sounds. I probably looked ridiculous, but the sound of her laughter, when I'd thought just a half-hour ago that she was going to leave me, was music to my ears.

"I think I did," Bells replied, taking a few steps closer, but stopping before she reached the side of the bed. "I should probably get dressed first though, don't you think?"

I'm sure my face showed all the horror I felt at her words. "_What?_ But naked-kissing is _so much better_ than dressed-up-kissing," I said with utter conviction. She laughed, but I didn't take any chances. Before she could take another step towards the dresser (and _away_ from me and the bed), I sat up and grabbed her by the hand, effectively making her topple on top of me. The towel _might_ have come loose a little in the commotion, but it was just a side-effect. Really! Not planned at all.

"See?" I said between kisses, my fingers combing her wet hair while my other arm wrapped around her waist to keep her pressed to my chest as I lay back against the pillows. "Naked-kissing equals good. Don't you forget it," I mockingly chided. She simply hummed, pressing her lips back to mine for another long sensual kiss while tangling her legs with mine, making all the right parts of our bodies align perfectly.

I was trying to find a way to get rid of the damp towel that was the only thing between my bare skin and hers without making her stop kissing me when her lips left mine anyway, much to my displeasure. I clutched her tighter around the waist in reaction, making sure she couldn't escape. "Come on, Jake, Charlie is going to be home any minute – I really need to get dressed." Her mouth was saying one thing, but her body was definitely not on the same page. If anything, she was pressing even more fully into me, shifting her hips subtly against mine.

"I have it on good authority he's actually _not_ coming home tonight," I told her, trailing kisses down her lovely neck until I reached her shoulder. It made her moan, which made me smile in return. She was so responsive – it was an incredible feeling to know I was the reason for her reactions. "I saw him heading towards the rez when I ran here."

"Are you sure?" she asked, her voice sounding breathy suddenly, as I traced back up the long line of her neck and her jaw with my nose. She smelled wonderful, all _her_, none of the bloodsuckers' scent left.

"Bells, how many Forks police cruisers do you figure there are that would be heading towards La Push at this time of day? Believe me, honey, unless Sue kicks him out for some reason, your father is _not_ sleeping in this house tonight." Which meant that I got to have my wicked way with his lovely daughter without having to be sneaky about it. Or, as wicked as she would have me, anyway; I wasn't complaining – she'd just told me she loved me, I'd take an evening of snuggling if that's all she would give me. Even dressed-up snuggling, if it really came to that.

Charlie had a peculiar view on things when it came to my relationship with his only child. She'd been living with her boyfriend and his family for four years, and he wasn't disillusioned enough to think Edward and her hadn't been sharing a bed, but I could tell he'd rather not think about it. He was definitely happy that she'd 'come to her senses' and was dating _me_ now, so he didn't mind that we slept together, but he didn't want to _know_ that anything was going on, either. It made for some creative sound-dampening some mornings (Bella's moans were especially loud when I used my tongue on her clit – I think she actually _bit_ into her pillow that one time), but since Charlie and Sue had that 'sometimes your place, sometimes mine' thing going, we thankfully had the house to ourselves more often than not. Billy had in fact joked that he might convert my bedroom into storage if I wasn't going to use it anymore. Apparently, I'd had quite the goofy love-sick smile on my face when he'd said that, and he'd very seriously made me promise to give him at least a month's forewarning if I planned to move out with Bella. To which I'd replied that it was _way_ too early to think about that, but I couldn't deny that I liked the idea of us getting our own place – where we could be as loud as we wanted, anytime we felt like it!

Bells brought me out of my thoughts by nipping at my chin – hard. "Where were you?" she teased, stroking my hair with her fingers. She was looking into my eyes very intently, as if trying to find the answers to the universe in their depths. "You're okay, right? About Edward's visit? I don't want you to doubt us, baby. I love _you_, and I chose _you_. I'm sorry it took me so much time to actually tell you…"

I cut her off by kissing her. She'd never called me 'baby' before today, she'd never told me she loved me, not in so many words, and it made my heartbeat falter. Was it possible to have a heart attack from too much happiness? "I love you, Bells, more than I can say with mere words," I told her once my lips were free of hers. My voice was barely above a whisper, I just couldn't conjure up the force for a louder tone. "I _am_ sorry I jumped to conclusions. It's just… the thought of losing you, now that I've finally had the chance to hold you, to kiss you, to love you…" I wanted to hide the tears that were forming in my eyes from her, but she was too close, I never had a chance.

"Ssshhh, Jake," she cooed, kissing the stray tear that escaped from the corner of my left eye. "I can't tell you what the future holds for us," she said quietly, her nose pressed into my temple, her body pressed into mine from chest to thighs. "But Alice confirmed that she still couldn't see anything in my future, and that tells me enough. You and I, Jake, we're in it for the long haul." My heart gave another not-quite-painful thud at her words. God… what I had done to deserve her?

"Bells…" I trailed off, having no words to express how incredibly blessed I felt. I wanted to ask her to move out with me, I wanted to kiss her until we couldn't feel our lips anymore, I wanted to make love to her all night long. Since two of those things were likely to have her run for the hills for now, I had to content myself with kissing her breathless. Not that it was much of a hardship, really!

We traded kisses for long moments, our tongues touching briefly from time to time, sending jolts of desire throughout my whole body. She tasted incredible, she _felt_ incredible, her soft curves pressed into my hard muscles in all the right places. I could have spent the whole evening just like this, but eventually Bella retreated a little, not far enough to make me think she'd start again on that nonsense of getting dressed, but enough that I had to look up at her to see what she was thinking.

"Jake…" she started timidly, a low blush rising in her cheeks and down her neck. "I– God, how do I say this?" she muttered, making me laugh a little. She scowled at me, but she was grinning, so I knew she wasn't really offended.

"Honey, just say it… It's just me – you can tell me anything, remember?" I encouraged her, twirling a strand of her still-wet hair around a finger. Whatever had her all flustered like this was making me _very_ curious. I hadn't seen her blushing like this for a long time, not since we'd become physically intimate.

"I–" she started again, then changed her mind and started over: "You know I haven't been very… forward when we're… together, like this." Her blush was intensifying as she spoke, disappearing under the towel that was still more or less hiding the top of her breasts where they pressed into my chest. I still didn't know how to make the damp blue material disappear without making Bells protest. "I'm a little… shy, I guess you could say, but I don't want you to think it's because I don't… What I mean is… You're so confident when it comes to us, and I'm afraid not to be good enough, and…" She hid her face in my neck as she trailed off, evidently having reached the limit of how much mortification she could withstand. Problem was, I wasn't too sure I'd managed to decode her halting half-sentences into anything that made sense.

"Bells, I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, you're going to have to help me out…" I said, trying to catch her gaze with mine, but she kept her eyes closed even when I took her face between my hands and forced her to face me. "Honey, I'm just a guy, remember? Sometimes you have to spell it out." The pitiful little whimper that came from her, along with the adorable pout that was on her lips, made me laugh again. I kissed her quickly, before coaxing her to explain again: "Come on, Bells. What's the problem? You know you can take whatever time you want with things, I'm not in any rush. This, right here – you and me, being together like this, it's enough for me if that's all you feel ready for, honey." Yeah, sometimes it was a little hard to restrain my more basic urges. Not hard enough that I'd ever pressure her though. But she already knew that, so I didn't know what she was suddenly so shy about.

"I know – you've been a saint, Jake," she said, nuzzling my neck again. I wanted to protest, but she didn't let me: "You make me feel so loved though, and I haven't been reciprocating, but it's not because I don't want to, I'm just… shy."

Well, what do you know – I'd been right, after all. Eddy and her hadn't exactly had a normal sex life, she'd confessed that much the night she'd broken down in my arms, on First Beach. So my beautiful, sensual, voluptuous Bells felt shy, and perhaps a little inexperienced, maybe? Hell, I'd gladly let her experiment on me all she wanted!

I rubbed long strokes down her long hair and her back, wanting to reassure her: "You shouldn't feel shy, honey. You're so… Do you know how incredible it is to see the way you respond instinctively to me, to my kisses, to my touches? Just do whatever feels right, whatever you're comfortable with, Bells. Honestly, there's not much you could do _wrong_," I pointed out, poking her sides to get a reaction out of her. She was entirely too passive suddenly, and I didn't want her to feel ashamed that she'd brought the subject up. I'd been _dying_ to have her talking to me like this again.

It took another couple of pokes, but she finally brought her face up from its hiding place against my neck, looking me straight in the eyes. "So, humm…" she said, the blush on her cheeks still very apparent, but with a new determined glint in her eyes. "If I asked you to just lie there and let me… do what I want, you'd obey?"

Oh, I _definitely_ liked where this was going. "Sure, sure," I hastily replied before she could change her mind. "What are the rules, though? Can I still touch you?"

She laughed, the little twinkling sound so beautiful I _had_ to kiss her again. She spoke the beginning of her answer directly into my mouth, our kiss sloppy because of the movement of her lips. "Nope – you're too good at distracting me. I want you to concentrate on what I'm doing, for once. You say you like how I respond to you… well, let _me_ know if I'm doing things right, this time."

Yup, this was going to be _good_… I kissed her again, a long, slow kiss, nipping at her bottom lip until she parted them for me, letting the tip of my tongue brush against hers. My fingers were entangled in her soft hair, but she made good on her threat, and made me release her as she sat up, taking both of my hands in hers. The towel stayed down, bunching around her hips and baring her entire upper body to my eyes. I swallowed back my token protest before it passed my lips; she could do whatever she wanted, just as long as she stayed _just like that_.

"No touching, Jake, remember," she told me seriously, placing my right hand down on the bed a few inches from my hip and releasing it. She stared at it for a moment, as if gluing it there with her eyes, before turning her attention to the hand she was still holding. She had the most adorable look of utter concentration on her face as she brought it up in line with her face. I nearly cracked a joke (she hadn't specified I couldn't _talk_), but she moved her hips at that moment, settling more comfortably against my lower stomach, and I choked back on my words again. This… was going to be _pure TORTURE_.

The funny thing (not that I felt inclined to laugh, mind you), was that for all that she claimed to feel shy, Bella didn't even seem to realise she was sitting on me while being nearly naked. She was extremely comfortable in her own skin, and didn't mind at all that my eyes were straying to her beautiful round breasts, that my gaze was trailing down her body to her sex, hidden by the forgotten material of her towel. Not touching her was already proving a lot more difficult than I'd thought, and I dug my fingers into the comforter I was lying on. "Bells…" I warned when she shifted her hips again.

She didn't acknowledge me, bringing my hand to her lips instead, placing a gentle kiss in the center of my palm before licking all the way up my middle finger and taking the tip between her lips to nip at it lightly. I was instantly hard as a steel rod, and the groan that escaped my throat was not a little strained. God! What had I gotten myself into? The little vixen was _smirking_ too, entirely aware of the effect she was having on me.

"Don't make me tie you up," she laughingly threatened, sensing my struggle. She bent over me then, reaching for my other hand again and bringing them both up over my head. She made the mistake of coming into reach of my mouth, and I licked her collarbone before she could retreat. "Jake!" she shrieked, laughing. "No touching with your mouth either, mister!"

My pout must have been pitiful enough, because she consented to another sweet kiss before moving down my body until her mouth was on my own collarbone. Her movement made the towel bunch up when it caught on the material of my shorts, and Bella tugged on it until it released from between our bodies, flipping it onto the floor distractingly as she rained kisses across my chest. The alluring sight of her entirely naked body stretched on top of mine would stay forever imprinted in my mind, I was sure.

The woman was going to drive me crazy before long, assuredly. But what better way to go?

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I hope the chapter made up for the long wait… In any case, _I've said it before, but it bears repeating: THANK YOU for all the reviews. You've hit the 300 mark, and I'm just… flabbergasted, really. I won't make any promises as for an updating schedule, but I WILL promise you this: there WILL be an ending. This story will NOT rot in WIP hell. You all deserve better than that for your constant support and kind praise (yes, I mean you too, __**cretin**__)._


	19. Bella: Exploration

_I confess: this chapter is complete self-indulgence on my part. No plot whatsoever – pure __M-rated material, ladies. If Jake's gorgeous body doesn't do it for you, I suggest you turn back now. Otherwise… enjoy! *smile*_

_Stephenie Meye__r would most certainly not condone what I do to her characters. That is why she owns the rights to _Twilight_ and I am just having fun!_

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Nineteen – Bella

That whole day was incredibly liberating.

It was a terrible cliché, but telling Jake that I loved him, saying those three simple words out loud, made me feel as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Perhaps it was because I'd found closure with Edward that afternoon too, but I didn't care anymore that there hadn't been a lot of time between the end of my relationship with Edward and the start of my 'new' relationship with Jacob. When I looked at it from this new perspective, we'd been 'together' for so long, as friends, yes, but we'd always been a little more than that… I didn't know how Jake had managed to be so patient all these years! If I'd been in his shoes, knowing what Alice had told them both…

Well, I planned on letting Jake know just how much he meant to me, from now on. I couldn't blame him for freaking out when he'd smelled Edward's presence in the house, I'd been so… not distant, exactly, but not entirely _there_ either. That was going to change. I just had to get over this stupid feeling of shyness that kept me from fully expressing myself when we were in bed.

"Jake…" I tried to come up with the words to explain, to tell him what I wanted, what I _needed_, to get over this. I could feel a major blush rising on my face – this was going to be hard to formulate.

"Honey, just say it… It's just me – you can tell me anything, remember?" Jake said when I hesitated. He was right, of course – I _had_ told him pretty much anything and everything, at some point during our friendship. Why was it suddenly more difficult to talk to him? It didn't make any sense.

I tried again: "You know I haven't been very… forward when we're… together, like this. I'm a little… shy, I guess you could say, but I don't want you to think it's because I don't… What I mean is… You're so confident when it comes to us, and I'm afraid not to be good enough, and…" God! Could I be any more incoherent? I hid my flaming face in his neck, wanting to disappear and yet needing the reassurance of his long strokes down my back at the same time.

He didn't understand what I meant, of course – how could he when I couldn't express myself! (So much for my hard-earned Dartmouth degree!) So I tried again, and this time, I managed to get my point across. I should have known my very-patient-and-entirely-perfect boyfriend would know just the right thing to say.

"You shouldn't feel shy, honey. You're so… Do you know how incredible it is to see the way you respond instinctively to me, to my kisses, to my touches? Just do whatever feels right, whatever you're comfortable with, Bells. Honestly, there's not much you could do _wrong_."

My face was still hidden in the crook of his neck, but when he started poking me in the sides to make me react, I took a deep breath and faced him. "So, humm… If I asked you to just lie there and let me… do what I want, you'd obey?" I asked, blushing even more intensely, but determined to see this through. Jake deserved that much – _I_ deserved to get over these stupid issues and stop feeling so anxious around this gorgeous man of mine.

"Sure, sure," was Jake's hasty reply, a large grin forming on his lips. I had a feeling he was very much liking where this conversation was going. "What are the rules, though? Can I still touch you?"

I laughed. Of course he'd come up with _rules_! That wasn't a bad idea though, come to think of it. If I let him have even an inch of control, he'd turn me into a quivering mess of ecstasy before I could do much exploring of my own, and we'd be back to square one. "Nope," I mumbled against his lips as he kissed me, "you're too good at distracting me. I want you to concentrate on what I'm doing, for once. You say you like how I respond to you… well, let _me_ know if I'm doing things right, this time." Let me learn how to love you, I didn't say.

He kissed me again after that, burying his hands in my hair that was still wet from the shower, taking his time in tasting my lips with his own, exploring my mouth with his tongue. It gave me the impression that he was trying to burn my taste, the feeling of my skin, into his mind, since he'd have to go without for a little while. It made me smile.

"No touching, Jake, remember," I said as I sat up to straddle his waist, detangling his fingers from my hair and putting his right hand on the bed next to us, pressing upon it to let him know I didn't want him to move it. I was trying to sound serious, but I was a mess of nerves, honestly. I _wanted_ to do this, but… Taking a deep breath, I shifted a little, settling more comfortably on Jake's stomach. It made him groan, but I hid my smile. The towel I had wrapped around me when I'd gotten out of the shower had come loose and was lying in a damp pile around my hips, leaving the rest of my body bare to his gaze. He was enjoying the view, I could tell; this was something I was comfortable with, at least. I had never felt the need to be modest with my nakedness in bed. Ironically, since he was barely ever fully dressed, it was _his_ nakedness that was the issue here.

I shifted again in nervousness, dragging a groaned "Bells…" from Jake, and finally turned my gaze to the hand I was still holding, bringing it up to place a kiss in the center of his palm. He had such big hands, long and wide fingers that were still so delicate in their touch, whether he was working on intricate pieces of machinery or lovingly caressing my skin. His palm had the calluses of someone who did manual work every day (although some were probably from running on four legs, come to think of it), but the skin was incredibly soft all the same. I couldn't hold back the smirk that came to my lips as I ran the flat of my tongue from the center of his palm to the tip of his middle finger in one long swipe, closing my lips around the tip of his finger and biting lightly with my teeth. I felt Jake's hips thrust up from the bed at my actions, and saw his other hand twitch against the comforter. My guess was that he was regretting suggesting that rule about not touching me, right about now.

"Don't make me tie you up," I mocked him, grabbing his other hand again to place them both above his head, on the pillows. The extra distance might help him keep his word, and I definitely liked how it stretched him out, giving me more room to work. I had to lean over him to do this though, and he took the opportunity to lick at my collarbone, making me jump in surprise. "Jake!" I laughed, retreating quickly before scolding him: "No touching with your mouth either, mister!"

His pouting lips were entirely too tempting to resist, and I kissed him again, running my hands up his outstretched arms to his elbows, feeling the smoothness of the slightly lighter skin of his inner arms. His muscles twitched beneath my palms, but whether it was by reflex or on purpose, I had no idea. I brushed my hands back down, past his armpits to the side of his ribcage, careful to keep my touch firm enough not to tickle, as I trailed kisses down to his chin, his strong neck, to his collarbone and further south still, across his defined pectorals. The towel bunched uncomfortably under me as I slid down Jake's body a little, and I tugged it loose until I could get rid of it off the edge of the bed, bringing my naked groin in perfect alignment with Jake's clothed one. As I came into contact with the very obvious evidence of his desire, all his muscles contracted suddenly, releasing slowly as he took a deep breath. A quick glance up showed me that he'd hid his hands under the pillows, clutching them forcefully. The rush of pleasure at seeing him struggle with his self-control took me a little by surprise.

"You okay, up there?" I playfully asked him, placing a kiss on his right nipple before giving it a quick flick with my tongue. The feeling of control, knowing he wouldn't stop me, whatever I did, was exhilarating.

"Never been better," Jake answered between clenched teeth, his voice strained. Was it fair of me to test his endurance like this? Probably not. But I'd make it worth his while, I promised myself. I wouldn't let him leave this bed frustrated, not tonight.

I couldn't help but wonder at the differences with my former lover, as I kissed every available inch of Jacob's hairless chest, slowly – _very_ slowly – trailing down to his washboard stomach, and lower. Edward had rarely allowed me enough leeway to explore his body like this, but the contrast between his cold marble hardness and Jake's softer, warmer, more pronounced muscles was striking. It was more than that though – where Edward had held absolutely still, too afraid to hurt me if he should let himself be affected by my actions, Jake's body was constantly moving, reacting to my touch, despite his every effort to _be_ still for me. It let me know what tickled, what felt good, what was exceptionally sensitive. My touch, my kisses grew more confident the more he responded, my shyness melting at the contact of his body heat.

I nipped gently at his skin as I reached the corded muscles below his navel, the sharp outline of a v-shape that disappeared below the material of his gym shorts, making him laugh in surprise. I felt the rumbles of his chuckles through my lips as he spoke: "Careful there, tiger! I'd like to keep all my parts, if you don't mind."

I mockingly scoffed as I sat up again, my hands resting on the waistband of his shorts. Something was clenching in nervousness somewhere deep in my stomach, but I did my best to ignore it. "Scared, Mister Black?" I locked my gaze with his, and soaked up the desire and love I saw there as I slid his shorts past his raised hips, moving down his long legs until I stood at the foot of the bed to take them off his feet, which would be hanging off the mattress if he stretched his legs fully.

There were no words to describe how utterly delectable the six-foot-seven mass of muscles and dark skin looked, spread out on my bed like this. I had seen him completely naked a number of times in the last weeks – Jake was even less self-conscious than I was, when it came to his body. But he'd been playful every time, probably not wanting to make me uncomfortable, flashing me before phasing when leaving for patrol, or 'accidently' dropping his towel before getting dressed after a shower. In bed, he'd always kept his shorts or boxers – his way, I presumed, to ensure we would not get carried away before I felt ready. By the way my inner walls clenched and my nipples hardened in desire as I took in every detail of his beautiful body, it hadn't been a bad idea.

"Bells, please…" Jake whined after a while. I didn't know how long I'd been standing there, just taking him in, but it was evidently too long for his liking. His erection was twitching, hard and leaking against his stomach, and I knew he was expecting me to resume my exploration where I'd left off. I wasn't quite ready though, and there was so much more of him I hadn't enjoyed yet.

"Turn around," I said softly, putting my hand on his foot when the lack of contact became intolerable. He didn't move for long seconds, his gaze unerringly locked with mine, conveying too many emotions for me to keep track of. There was an unmistakable warmth there though, that told me he'd gladly do whatever I asked of him. Once again, the feeling of control sent a rush of pleasure coursing through my body, causing wetness to coat my inner thighs. Jake's nostrils flared as he caught the scent, and his smile could best be described as 'wolfish' as he obeyed and flipped onto his stomach, moving the pillows to the side to rest his head on his crossed arms.

"Hey, where are you going?" he asked in alarm when I didn't climb into bed right away. He turned his head to the side to watch me as I walked to my dresser, searching through the mess on top of it until I found what I was looking for.

"I'm just clipping my hair up, it's getting in the way," I told him, twisting the damp mess of curls into a semblance of a bun. I cringed at the thought of the tangles I'd have to comb out, but all thoughts of brushes and detanglers left my mind when I caught the smouldering look Jake was giving me.

Both my arms were raised as I arranged the clip to keep my hair away from my face, pushing my small breasts up and giving Jake the same kind of unobstructed view of my naked body I'd been admiring myself just a few moments ago. Evidently, it was having the same effect for him as it had for me; I couldn't help but smile when I caught him shifting his hips, trying to find a more comfortable position. I kept the pose for a moment, turning my profile to him as I pretended to look at my hairdo in the mirror. _This_ I knew – it had been my main weapon when trying to seduce Edward, and I had a _lot_ of experience with trying to look as alluring as possible.

"Bells, I won't be responsible for my actions if you don't come back here right _now_," Jake growled as he clenched his hands into tight fists, regretting the 'no touching' rule for sure. I smiled, but didn't test his patience anymore, moving back to the foot of the bed to put a knee between his slightly-parted legs.

"Sorry, baby," I murmured against the skin of his left hip, my hands stroking the back of his thighs, continuing up to squeeze the swell of his butt, dragging still upwards until I was fully stretched on top of him, my sensitive breasts pressed into his broad back, my knees on each side of his hips, my damp sex resting snugly on the curve of his lower back. I was soaking up his supernatural warmth, letting it relax every muscle in my body, melt away the last of my nervousness. My nose was smashed against his neck but I didn't care – I'd never been more comfortable.

Jake let me lie there for a few minutes, the only movement the up-and-down motion of his upper body as he breathed deeply, my weight not bothering him in the slightest. "You're not falling asleep on me, are you?" he eventually asked, making me laugh.

"No…" I trailed off, not wanting to move just yet. I kissed the nape of his neck, burying one hand in his thick black hair as the other caressed up his arm to entwine my fingers with his. I'd gotten used to his short haircut with time, but I still missed his long hair sometimes, and I certainly wasn't the one who would point out that he was about due to cut his hair again. The longer strands where perfect to get a good grip and tug, which I proceeded to do. Jake bucked his hips in reaction, nearly dislodging me, a loud moan sounding from deep in his throat.

"You like that?" It was more of a statement than a question, really.

"You have _no_ idea," he answered, the pitch of his voice so low I might have missed it had I not been so close. I kissed up his neck to his ear, playing with the lobe with my tongue as I tugged on his hair again.

"That's good to know," I whispered. My own hips were rocking back against his bucking lower body almost involuntarily, the thought of driving _him_ crazy with lust, for once, incredibly arousing.

"God Bells…" he said quietly, my name sounding reverent as it passed his full lips. "You feel _so_ good… Let me touch you, please…" His fingers squeezed mine tightly, almost painfully in his desperation, and I nearly relented, nearly let him take over, nearly flung my plan out the window and let him make love to me.

"Not yet," I apologetically murmured, kissing his shoulder as I unlinked our fingers, stroking down his arms soothingly. "I need to do this, Jake, please…" I was the one begging this time.

"Okay," he said, inhaling sharply, trying to calm himself. "Okay," he repeated after a few deep breaths, "I'm good. Do your worst," he laughingly added, winking at me with the eye I could see.

I smiled, and proceeded to kiss every inch of skin of his sculpted back, learning the dips and bumps of his spine with my fingers and my lips, the hollows just above his butt, the strong muscles of his thighs and legs. I ran my nails along the arch of a foot, eliciting the loudest moans yet, tickled the back of his knees until he nearly kicked me off the bed, bit the swell of a butt cheek, making his hips rock against the bed. I was driving him crazy; _I_ was making _Jacob Black_ incoherent with desire. It was an amazing feeling.

I'd promised myself to see it to the end, not to leave him hanging, this time, and although I was still a little nervous at trying this for the first time, I tried to put as much confidence as I could in my voice when I told Jake to turn again. I didn't stand up from the bed as he gracefully manoeuvred his body around, only rising up onto my hands and knees to give him room to flip beneath me, so that my face was only inches from his straining erection when he settled down. The head was an angry red, already leaking, and I licked my lips in anticipation.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to, honey," Jake said before I could move. I knew he meant it, but I also knew he was really hoping I wouldn't back down. The strained notes in his voice were proof enough.

"I do want," I replied, not looking up in case I might lose my nerve. I took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of sex, of our combined arousal, that was discernible even to my human senses, and grasped him around the base with one hand before licking him from base to tip, in one long stroke. The rumbling noise that came from Jake's chest then was encouragement enough that I was doing something right. It emboldened me, and I mimicked my earlier action with his finger by closing my lips around the thick head, although I refrained from bringing my teeth into play, figuring it might not have the same effect. I took a swipe with my tongue instead, tasting the tangy, slightly salty liquid, and hollowed out my cheeks to suck lightly.

"Bells!" Jake cried out, his hands coming to rest on my head instantly, his nimble fingers unclipping my hair and sinking into my curls. I didn't have it in me to scold him about forgetting his own rule, at this point. I sucked again, putting a little more force into it, before taking as much of his length as I could in my mouth, which, as it turned out, wasn't all that much. It didn't seem to matter to him, as I felt his fingers clench against my scalp, not hard enough to hurt, but enough that I knew he wasn't entirely in control of his actions.

The moans and groans that rumbled through his chest as I proceeded to lick and suck on every long inch of his hard-as-steel member were the most rewarding sounds I could have hoped for. I was pleasuring him, and the knowledge was turning _me_ on, the flesh between my thighs pulsating with need, my juices flowing to coat my inner thighs, making me seek any kind of pressure with my rocking hips. Every fresh wave of arousal made Jake inhale sharply, his own hips jerking slightly in spite of his best intentions not to buck up into my face, and the motion invariably made me moan, deep in my throat, starting the cycle all over again. It wasn't all that long before Jake's breathing became erratic, and his hands clutched at my upper arms.

"Bells, Bells, honey, wait…" he warned me, his voice betraying his urgency. He was close, and as much as I wished I could finish him off in style, I wasn't ready for that. I dragged my lips up his twitching member one last time, pressing the flat of my tongue to the underside and kissing the head as I released him. The moment my lips left his skin, he grabbed me under the arms and manhandled me up his body until I was straddling his face, his large hands cupping my butt to take my weight as he plunged his tongue up into my core as far as it would go.

"Jake!" I nearly screamed, part pleasure, part surprise. My hands found purchase on the bed's headrest by pure instinct, my knuckles turning white at the force I clutched with as Jake _fucked_ me with his tongue, his long fingers spanning the entirety of my butt cheeks and guiding the movement of my hips as he licked up to flick his tongue on my clit, his pinkies meeting at the junction of my thighs, rubbing the sensitive skin just behind my entrance and adding to the sensations. He kept the pattern for long moments, dipping his pointed tongue into my core to taste my juices, licking my folds up to my bundle of nerves and back again, until I started to chant his name, my breaths coming in pants, my vision starting to blur around the edges.

"Yes, yes, baby, more…" I begged, not entirely aware of my words, only knowing that my orgasm was just _there_, just out of reach… His hands shifted then, his tongue flicking across my clit rapidly as he thrust his fingers into my quivering warmth, and I arched my back, my breath catching in my throat. He pumped his fingers – there had to be three of them, I felt so _full_ – rapidly, shallowly, and his lips closed on my clitoris and _sucked_. I exploded, and everything went white.

When I came back to my senses, I was stretched out next to Jake on the bed, his soft hands rubbing soothing strokes into my skin as I twitched with the last tremors of my orgasm. He had an incredibly goofy smile plastered on his face, and I chuckled. "Wow! That was…" There were no words, clearly, but he understood all the same. "Thank you," I added, reaching to rake his wild hair with my fingers.

It was his turn to chuckle. "Believe me, the pleasure was _all_ mine," he said, and my gaze followed his down his body, the white streaks of fluid across his stomach evidence that he'd found his own completion. "I'm a mess – I need a shower," he stated, the playful lilt of his tone heralding his next words: "Care to join me?"

I laughed when he waggled his eyebrows funnily. "I _just_ got out of the shower!" I protested, fully knowing that I wouldn't be able to resist him. I still felt incredibly energised, and I wasn't done with my explorations of his gorgeous body yet.

I realised he wasn't nearly done with me either when he picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder, striding confidently, nude as the day he was born, towards the bathroom. He stroked my upper thigh with his warm hand, making me moan as his fingers brushed against my sex.

Good thing Charlie was staying with Sue tonight!

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Next up: shower fun! Aren't you all happy that I finally got rid of all that angst and plot? *snicker*

_Comments and reviews are, as always, the greatest motivator there is. (And if I don't reply right away, it's because I won't have Internet access for the weekend. I know – the HORROR!)_


	20. Jacob: Touch

_I apologise profusely for the extra-long wait for this chapter. I'd blame work, but it's actually dragging, and I've just been lazy and uninspired. __I'm afraid the shower fun I'd promised didn't quite end up as I'd planned, but I'm entirely blaming Jake for that – he was feeling all deep and honourable, for some reason._

_Also, you might notice that I recently added one-word titles to my chapters. Honestly, it's mostly so I can keep track of what happened when… Nothing was changed in the chapters themselves._

_Stephenie Meye__r is who you should talk to if you have issues with the _Twilight_ saga, since she owns it. Me? I'm just trying to right some wrongs!_

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Twenty – Jacob

She was going to drive me out of my fucking mind.

Whatever had prompted me to come up with that stupid, dumbass 'no touching' rule, I was definitely regretting it by the time Bells took my shorts off. There she was, standing unabashedly nude at the foot of the bed, her eyes _devouring_ my just-as-naked body, and I couldn't reach for her. We were _naked together_, for the first time, and I'd had to go and suggest that I not be allowed to _touch her_. I was a fucking moron.

It only got worse when she asked me to turn on my stomach. First she moved _away_ from the bed, just casually pinning her hair up in front of the mirror, and the sight… Her small breasts pushed up as her arms rose, and my hands literally itched to run down the length of her alabaster skin, down her slender neck, between her round breasts, to the curve of her small waist, her fuller hips, her long smooth legs. I wanted to press my nose to the small patch of dark hair between her legs, where the exquisite smell of arousal came from, kiss the protruding edge of her hipbone, grab her perfect little ass with my large hands and lift her back to bed.

"Bells, I won't be responsible for my actions if you don't come back here right _now_." My voice wasn't much more than a growl, my hands clenched so tightly my knuckles were white. This was worse than learning to master the wolf all those years ago, because then I'd known I could hurt people if I phased accidently, but now… Now what I had in mind wouldn't hurt her, quite the contrary.

"Sorry, baby," her lips mumbled into my hip, and she stretched out on top of me, caressing me from feet to shoulders with her small soft hands, until she was plastered to my back, her nose buried in my neck, her knees pressing on each side of my hips, her mound snug against the skin of my lower back. We stayed like that for long minutes, breathing in sync, basking in the feeling of just _being_ together. I could feel her relaxing, soaking up my body heat, and for a moment there, I was afraid she was falling asleep, but then she tangled her fingers in my hair and _tugged_, and I nearly lost it. I could feel her wetness leaking from her sex to her inner thighs and my back, I could smell how much she wanted me, I could feel the entire length of her body against mine, and I wanted to _touch her_.

_So__. Fucking. Much._

I begged. Her hips were rocking against the curve of my ass, slathering me with her juices, and her hand was still tugging on my hair, causing my own hips to buck against the mattress of their own volition, and I needed to touch her, I needed… "God Bells… You feel _so_ good… Let me touch you, please…"

"Not yet," she whispered into the skin of my shoulder, rubbing down my crossed arms to my shoulders. "I need to do this, Jake, please…"

There had never been any question that I'd do anything for my Bells, anything she asked. "Okay," I said, taking deep measured breaths to calm down, to reign in my out-of-control hormones. "Okay," I repeated, "I'm good. Do your worst."

And she did. _God_, she did. When she asked me to turn over again, when I felt her breath on my twitching dick, when she told me she _wanted_ to do this, when she _licked_, and _sucked_, my brain short-circuited. No force in this world would have kept me from touching her then, from burying my fingers in the soft curls of her hair. There was an unending litany of 'Fuck fuck fuck fuck' and 'Bella Bella Bella Bella' circling around in my mind, all of the little brain-power I still had going into restraining myself from thrusting up in her face, from scaring her into never wanting to give me a blowjob ever again. Because dear _God_ I needed her to want to do this again. It didn't matter that she wasn't exceptionally skilled, that she was probably inexperienced – Bella's lips were around my dick, and I was going to come so hard…

"Bells, Bells, honey, wait…" I warned her when I felt myself slipping, when the sensations became too much, when I was just on this side of not caring and just _thrusting_. The moment she released me, I grabbed her, pulling her supple body up mine until I had her tight ass firmly in my hands, until she was straddling my face. I came in long white spurts, my hips pumping erratically up into thin air as I buried my tongue into her slippery folds.

"Wow! That was…" she said when she'd recovered from her own orgasm, trailing off. I had a few words that could end that sentence, 'incredible' and 'fucking hot' being just two prime examples, but I refrained form voicing them, simply smiling while I ran my hands down her flank, soothing the last of her spasms. I was _never_ suggesting a 'no touching' rule _ever_ again. She'd have to tie me, and I didn't think there was anything strong enough to restrain me.

"I'm a mess – I need a shower. Care to join me?" I playfully asked her, not actually planning to give her much of a choice. There was no way I was letting her out of touching distance tonight. She'd driven me fucking _crazy_!

"I _just_ got out of the shower," she protested weakly, the bright smile on her lips betraying her. I didn't let her get another word out, tossing her over a shoulder to walk the short distance to the bathroom. My hand brushed against her still-moist sex as I caressed her thigh, making her moan and bringing a fresh wave of the sweet aroma of her arousal to my nostrils. I growled deep in my throat, my already half-hard cock twitching. Man, she was becoming addictive!

"Don't move," I ordered when I put Bells down on her feet in front of the vanity. I was going for stern, but the large grin that I couldn't swipe off my face was making it difficult. Just as it proved a hassle to get the shower running without actually breaking skin-to-skin contact with her. But I wasn't letting go of her, and she probably understood, because she attached herself to my back, moving with me when I deemed the water warm enough (for her, more than for me). I quickly rinsed off the worst of our bodily fluids from my skin, and then turned to her.

"You," I said, punctuating each word with a quick kiss to her lips, "are. Absolutely. Perfectly. Incredibly. Amazing." I gathered her in my arms as I kissed her more thoroughly, chasing her tongue into her mouth, needing to feel the length of her bare body against mine, my hands roaming her back. Seriously. Never again.

I turned her towards the showerhead so she wouldn't get cold, and started on my goal to touch every single square inch of skin on her body with both my hands and my lips. I hoped she wasn't in a hurry: this was going to take a while, and I planned on being _very_ thorough.

"Jake…" she sighed as I traced a path down between her breasts with my tongue. The tips of my fingers were learning the bumps of her spine beneath her unbound hair – her head was thrown back into the stream of water, her back arched, and she looked like some sort of siren playing in a waterfall.

There was ultimately just one problem with my plan to map her body and brand it into my memory, and that was the size of the bathtub relatively to mine. As I sank to my knees, my lips headed for her navel, it became very obvious that I'd run out of space for my long limbs before long. I sighed in disappointment, my heavy breath inducing goosebumps on Bells' midriff.

"What's wrong?" she asked quietly, her arms wrapping around my shoulders, her upper body bending slightly towards my head where it rested against her. The position was incredibly intimate, the sound of the cascading water and her heartbeat surrounding me, invading my senses. I didn't think I'd ever felt so _close_ to anyone.

"Not a single thing," I answered, speaking my words into the skin of her flat belly. The end of the world could come right now, and I'd die a very happy man. Except for the cramped space, obviously. "Apart from the size of your shower, I've never felt better," I said playfully, squeezing my arms around her hips, my hands flat on her back to maximise the contact. There was something incredibly sexy about the fact that she was so tiny I felt I could completely engulf her in my embrace.

I felt her giggles from the reverberation in her torso against my cheek. "What's wrong with the size of my shower?" She was trying to sound affronted, but it came out as curious more than anything.

"Honey, I hate to break it to you," I nipped at her waist lightly, producing more giggles to erupt from her lips, "but nothing in your house is werewolf-sized." My feet dangled off the end of her bed, same with the couch, and if I was to sit in the tub, there wouldn't be enough space for _water_ to pass between the porcelain walls and my hips, much less for Bells to straddle me as I'd uselessly been fantasising for the last five minutes. When I convinced her to move out with me, the first criteria for our new place would be a huge tub. Definitely. Maybe even a jacuzzi.

"It's not my fault you're so freakishly huge," she mock-scolded me, bending down to place a kiss on my forehead as I looked up at her. This was an interesting angle I had very quickly found I liked a lot. Especially since our height difference meant my eyes were just in line with the bottom curve of her breasts when I was on my knees. What? I liked her breasts. Very much.

"I'll give you freakish," I growled playfully, standing up without releasing her from my tight embrace, bringing her oh-so-light body up with me until she either had to wrap her legs around my waist or have her feet dangling a good foot and a half from the ground.

My dick definitely jumped in happiness when she chose option number one.

It was mostly instinct that had me turning us until her back was pressed against the tiles of the shower wall, my lips fusing with hers as I felt her nails scratch my scalp. I was trying very, _very_ hard not to thrust my hips up into hers and finally, _finally_ bury myself into her soft body. But our first time together was _not_ going to be a rushed fuck up a wall while the shower ran cold. No matter if the sounds and smells coming from Bella's irresistible body told me she wouldn't exactly mind right now.

"Bells, jeez…" I half-moaned, half-groaned when she used her newfound knowledge and tugged on my hair, making my hard-as-stone erection twitch almost painfully again. She wasn't playing fair, and this was going to get out of hand fast if she didn't stop soon. Man – I _so_ did not want to have to tell her to slow down… I'd sworn those words would never pass my lips again.

"Sorry, sorry," she said, thankfully releasing the handful of hair she'd gripped and stroking my shoulders in a pattern she probably meant to be soothing. It wasn't really working.

I pressed my forehead to hers, closing my eyes as I took a deep breath to get a little self-control back. Big mistake: I was instantly hit with the delicious smell of Bells' very aroused body, mixed with the lingering strong scents of the strawberry shampoo and vanilla body wash she used. It was a deadly combination for my poor frayed nerves. "Do you have any idea how much I'd like to make love to you right now?" I croaked in a whisper, needing her to understand how much I wanted her, how difficult this situation was for me. I wasn't pressuring her – I was simply stating a fact.

She froze for the barest instant, enough to tell me what I already knew: it wasn't going to happen yet. But then she relaxed, and placed a tender kiss on my lips. "I know, baby. And… Jake, you have to know I want that too, just…"

"Not yet," we whispered together. Soon, hopefully, but not just now. I pressed my lips to hers again, rubbing my hands down her legs to uncross her delicate ankles and release her hold on my waist. I took a small step back (the size of the bath wasn't allowing me anything else), and held her up until she had her feet firmly beneath her again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her eyes not meeting mine. She had apparently found a very fascinating spot on the shower curtain.

I forced her head up with my index finger beneath her chin, ducking my head to be closer to her level. "There's nothing to be sorry for Bells," I reassured her. "I don't want our first time to be in this minuscule shower anymore than you do," I half-joked, relieved when she cracked a smile. "I do, however," I added with as devilish a grin as I could muster, "plan on making sure every inch of your skin is squeaky clean." And I wasn't going to use that silly frilly sponge or whatever it was – no ma'am. My hands on her skin. No barriers. There definitely would be a lifelong ban on 'no touching' rules of any kind in our relationship.

"One condition," the she-devil I suddenly found myself facing stated with the sexiest smirk I'd ever seen. It baffled me, how Bells could become this irresistible temptress sometimes, in the blink of an eye. She trailed her short fingernails down my chest and my stomach, stopping just short of my very eager dick. I gulped loudly. "I get to wash _you_ thoroughly as well."

My large smile was answer enough, I figured. As if I was going to say no to _that_!

We were surrounded by the scent of vanilla and were giggling like kids (_I_ was _chuckling manly_, mind you!) within minutes. I'd squeezed a healthy amount of her body wash into the palm of my hand and made sure to soap her up quite thoroughly, getting perhaps a little sidetracked by her beautiful breasts and her firm ass. She'd washed her hair during her earlier shower, and I regretted not having the opportunity to do it for her, to feel the long silky trends slide between my fingers. It was something to look forward to for our next shared shower…

"Stop, stop – that _tickles_!" she shrieked when I fell to my knees again and took one of her feet in my hands, trying to make sure every little delicate toe got cleaned to my standards. She wasn't having any of it though, and managed to escape my slippery grasp. She was keeping her balance with her hands on my shoulders, and instead of putting her foot back down out of my reach, she used the toes I'd been trying to wash to brush against the erection I was still sporting (not like it was going to disappear while I had a naked and _wet_ Bella in front of me). My loud groan echoed in the small humid air of the shower.

"I didn't get to watch you come earlier," she pouted – _pouted!_ – at me. I had no idea what to reply to that, my mind going completely blank. I was pretty sure my jaw had just hit the bottom of the bath too. And then of course she _wriggled_ her damn toes again, and my eyes rolled back in my head for a moment. She truly was going to be the death of me.

"Come on, my turn to wash you," she said very matter-of-factly, gesturing for me to get up. I humoured her, partly because my brain hadn't rebooted yet, mostly because – come on! I was certainly not going to argue with her right now.

Thankfully Charlie kept a more… 'manly' soap in the shower, so I wasn't going to smell of vanilla and become the pack's laughingstock. Imitating my earlier actions, Bells squeezed a large amount of citrus-scented liquid soap into her palms, and proceeded to tease me to utter distraction by stroking and rubbing every part of my body _but_ the part she'd hinted at. On the plus side, I thought as she pushed me into the shower spray to rinse off, I was very clean. On the other hand…

"Put your hands up on the wall," she said, pushing my hips with her small hands so I'd position myself the way she wanted. There was no way she could actually make me move if I didn't want to, but it was fun to let her anyway. When I realised she'd turned me towards the tiled wall so that she was standing behind me, what she had in mind registered.

"Oh _hell no_, honey," I told her very adamantly, turning back to her. "No more restrictions on my touching you. Seriously. You'll drive me crazy." I was dead-serious, but of course she laughed.

"I'm not forbidding you to touch me," she appeased me by putting her arms around my waist and stepping up to me until our bodies were pressed against each other. She placed a kiss over my heart, her smiling lips feeling like heaven. "I just think it'd be an easier position for this," she added, and her small hand grabbed a firm hold around my dick, squeezing lightly. I had no idea how she'd managed to sneak a hand between our bodies. By that point, I really didn't care.

She had absolutely no difficulty convincing me to turn back towards the wall, although I did compromise by snaking a hand around her to keep her pressed against my right side, her legs on each side of mine. My knees were already turning into jelly as she stroked me with her dainty little hand, and my other arm found purchase on the wall above my head, holding me up. She was doing something with her wrist, twisting _just so_ on each upstroke, and I really wasn't going to last long. God. She was turning me into a freaking teenager again.

"Feels _so_ good…" I moaned, squeezing her into my side, needing the contact, the grounding. I'd dreamt of her hands on me for weeks – _years_, really – and she was finally getting over her shyness… And _man_ was she making up for lost time! My hips were thrusting into her hand now, I was too far gone to keep my movements steady, losing any kind of rhythm every time her thumb swiped over the head to gather the liquid that was already leaking freely. I was so close; I had no idea how she'd gotten me so out of control so fast, her own moans were barely registering above my loud panting, the feeling of her hips jerking against my thigh a distant distraction. The water had surely turned cold by now but I couldn't tell, my body was too heated, even more than normally. I… was… going… to…

"_BELLS!_" I shouted as she pumped long white spurts out of me, her hand slowing gently as I rode out my orgasm, guiding me back to reality. She'd been right: the only reason I was still standing was because of the sturdy wall I was leaning against. At the risk of sounding like a complete Neanderthal: dear _God_ I loved this woman!

"Come here," I said once I'd recovered, bending down to fuse my lips to hers, licking at her bottom lip until she parted them to allow me entrance. I trailed my hands down her back to her ass, dipping my fingers between her slightly parted thighs, feeling how wet she was again. She moaned, but moved out of my arms.

"Water's freezing, Jake, come on," she said, "I'm going to prepare us some dinner. I'm sure you're hungry by now."

"Ravenous," I answered her with a wolfish grin. I wasn't talking about food, but she had a point. We needed to get out of the shower before we turned into prunes, and some sustenance was necessary. I still wasn't letting her out of my reach for the next several hours though. And clothing was definitely going to be optional.

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I'd just like to say thanks to _**Idunnowhy**__ and __**Naranwien**__ for their moral support (and some suggested expletives and adjectives) as I dragged each and every painful word of this chapter kicking and screaming out of my fingers. Couldn't have done it without them._

And just a heads-up: I'm planning on two more chapters to round up the story. I've been known to change my mind (a lot), especially if I get another burst of inspiration, but I thought I'd let you all know that 'Frustration' is coming to an end soon. Although I should know better, I've had an idea for another story, so you'll have that to look forward to, at least. After this one's done, though. Promise.

I just opened myself to getting flooded with notices for Author Alerts there, didn't I? LOL

_(Just so we're clear: pleas in the form of reviews aren't going to change my mind about ending the story where I feel it should end. But if you have __comments and suggestions of things you feel Jacob and Bella should still deal with before riding off in the sunset, don't hesitate to share them!)_


	21. Bella: Plans

_Once again, I apologise for the long wait. I got completely stomped by the way things developed in this chapter. But I like how it turned out, so I'm not going to complain._

_Stephenie Meye__r owns the rights to _Twilight_, its characters, its settings, and all the madness she put them through._

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Twenty-one – Bella

I was starting to think it would _never_ happen.

Ever since Edward and Alice had visited almost three weeks ago, ever since that incredible evening Jacob and I had spent _touching_, for hours and hours, never even getting dressed for dinner, I knew I was _ready_. Sure, I was still a little shy, a little unsure of myself when I wanted to pleasure Jake, but he was so responsive, it was hard not to feel a boost of confidence in the face of so much… enthusiasm. Besides, I was really starting to _enjoy_ making him lose control…

But because nothing in life was ever easy, any time we managed to spend together lately was inevitably cut short by some sort of crisis or other.

First, the date Jacob had planned for us the last weekend before the full moon was completely ruined by a violent rainstorm. He'd been downright crestfallen about it, confessing to having envisioned a typical picnic-and-sunset-on-the-beach scenario, and I'd blushed bright red, thinking of what the aftermath of such a perfect evening could have been. Jake had stammered a protest about not expecting _that_ from it, making me laugh. I'd assured him that I knew him better than that, but nonetheless… I thought it was time. If anything, he'd seemed even more depressed about the weather after my revelation.

Our schedules had never seemed as incompatible as they did when his patrol shift changed to afternoons and evenings after the full moon. While I worked mornings at the Forum and spent my afternoons half-heartedly looking for a more permanent job in Port Angeles, Jacob got a few hours on the construction site in before patrolling from noon to midnight (the repartition of the wolves' patrol shifts was a mystery to me, really, but I knew better than to question Sam), and succumbed to exhaustion as soon as he made it to bed. More often than not, I'd been too tired myself to wait up for him, and although I still woke up pressed to his warm skin almost every morning, his hands usually having found their way beneath the few clothes I still bothered going to bed in (making me hot in more ways than one), we hadn't managed to get more than a few gropes and some kissing in for the past seventeen days and counting. Even on weekends, there was always something preventing us from spending the morning in bed, be it Charlie and Sue insisting on having a family brunch (Charlie was absolutely stupefied by the quantity of food Leah, Seth, and Jacob managed to devour in such a short time), or Quil needing his pack brothers to perform an emergency 'intervention' when he ran into Claire's parents in Port Angeles (the guy nearly lost it, Jake told me afterwards – it hadn't been pretty), or Emily asking me to babysit Lily at the last minute while she headed over to help Kim with an unusually fussy baby Sean (Kim hadn't slept a wink in over two days by then – she'd been a wreck). Long story short: the whole world seemed against the idea of my finally making love to my wonderful-and-so-incredibly-patient gorgeous boyfriend.

Maybe, I'd decided, we were trying too hard.

"What?" Jacob exclaimed with a laugh when I mentioned it to him. We were in his garage, my butt firmly planted on his workbench, his upper body half-hidden under the hood of the Rabbit. I had no idea why he still hadn't given up on it – I _knew_ he'd been eyeing that 1987 T-top Camaro that old Mr. Fisher down the street from my house had finally decided to sell. Jake had told me _all_ about it on our first date, back in July. "What do you mean, 'we're trying too hard'?" he asked, not even looking my way, all his attention on the Rabbit's entrails. I might have felt jealous of the car if I hadn't still felt the remnants of Jake's soft caresses from earlier that morning – before we'd been interrupted by Billy asking Jacob to drive him over to Rachel's. Maybe it was a conspiracy after all…

"Well, I know you've been doing everything possible to plan a nice romantic night for our first time," I said, taking advantage of my position to ogle his damn fine posterior in the old jeans that were barely hanging off his hips. I was very grateful that Jake had finally put a stop to that ridiculous obsession of his to be fully clothed around me – there was just something about a shirtless Jacob streaked with grease stains that felt like _home_ to me. "And it's not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, because I do. You're the best boyfriend ever," I told him with a grin, just to see him finally rise from under that hood and face me with an inquisitive look. "_But_ – I think we're over-thinking it."

"Really?" Jake said, grabbing the rag from his back pocket to get the worst of the grease off his fingers. He leaned back against the car, his long legs stretched out in front of him, and eyed me with a definitely mischievous look. "So you're saying that I should forget about asking Quil to take my shift tomorrow, and just grab you now and make a run for my bedroom while Billy's away?" My heart skipped a telltale beat, one that I _knew_ Jake noticed, but the fact that he _hadn't_ done exactly that yet told me it wasn't going to happen. My boyfriend was a romantic. I'd never thought it would frustrate me so much!

"Wait, what do you mean, you're asking Quil to cover for you tomorrow? I thought we agreed that Bella Swan _did not_, under any circumstances, celebrate her birthday?" I'd been categorical: no birthday party-slash-dinner-slash-_anything else_. It was already a big concession that I'd allow Jake to give me _one_ small gift.

"Come on, Bells," he whined, pushing off from the car to take the three large steps separating him from the workbench. I spread my legs a little to accommodate his hips between my knees and put my arms loosely around his neck as his hands found their way to my hips. "If I ask one of the guys to replace me on any random night, I'll need to explain _why_ and be in their debt forever. But on my beautiful girlfriend's birthday…" he trailed off, waggling his eyebrows in a move that I hoped he meant to be funny. Because if he was going for suave, it was well and truly lost on me!

I huffed. I couldn't argue with him while his thumbs were stroking the exposed skin between my jeans and my t-shirt, and he knew it. "Fine," I relented, giving him a slight push with my forehead on his. "But no mention of my aging allowed. Just a regular evening." I could be stubborn too.

The naughty look he gave me sent tingles down my spine. "Well, I don't know about a _regular_ evening…" he said quietly, leaning in slowly until our lips were a hairsbreadth away. "I have _plans_ for you, Miss Swan. I guarantee that once I'm done with you, you'll be more than happy to celebrate your birthday from now on." He made sure to cut off any protests by kissing me very thoroughly, his tongue seeking entrance and effectively making me forget what we were talking about for the next half-hour.

When Jake left for patrol around noon (he might have been a few minutes late – we'd been… 'preoccupied') and I headed home to sift through more classifieds, I couldn't help but reflect that the way things were going lately, I wouldn't be surprised if his plans were countered by a freak tornado, or something of the sort.

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A tornado would have been better, after all.

Jacob _swore_ he had had no idea whatsoever they'd been planning this, and I had no choice but to believe him considering he didn't look all that happy about it either. I don't know how they'd managed to keep him out of the loop, considering the pack-mind, but the ugly truth was that the wolves and wolf-girls were throwing me a surprise party. In my own backyard to boot, which meant Jake and I had nowhere to run to from it. So much for the 'plans' Jake had had for me.

"I'm sorry," he murmured in my ear, taking a seat right next to me on the stairs leading to the backdoor. He kissed my cheek around the fingers of my hand that was propping my head up. I'd decided that giving any indication of my having fun would completely contradict my attempts at letting the guilty orchestrators (I still didn't have exact names, but I'd find out sooner or later) know I didn't want them to _ever_ do something like this again, so I was sulking. It didn't seem to faze any of them so far, and I knew I'd eventually relent, if only because Emily had outdone herself with cupcakes and muffins in half-a-dozen flavours, but I was _trying_ to make a point.

"Not your fault," I told Jake sincerely, leaning into him until my head rested on his shoulder. "You look almost as disappointed and annoyed as I feel," I teased him. The glum look on his face at being _once again_ thwarted in his plans for a romantic evening would have been funny if I hadn't secretly been _very much_ looking forward to them. Our situation was bothering on ridiculous.

"Yeah well, I know they meant well, but…" Jake started. He sighed heavily, the movement of his chest making my head bob up and down with it. "I probably should have told one of the guys that we had plans, instead of hiding the specifics so well that they figured the coast was clear for this." His left hand made a grand gesture to encompass the dozen or so people socialising in my yard, the table full of snacks and drinks (no one seemed to care that there was alcohol being served to people that were technically still underage under the roof – stars, whatever – of Forks' chief of police, the fact that none of them would ever manage to get drunk notwithstanding), and the streamers, party lights and balloons decorating every vertical surface between the house and the trees. I had no idea how they had managed to do all this within the forty minutes it had taken me to drive to La Push to pick up Jake and back. More interestingly, I had no idea what they would have done if Jake had run here, instead of wanting to be fully clothed when he showed up, for once (and needing to carry that small gift I still hadn't seen). In any case, I had a new appreciation for my father's poker face, who had so generously let Jake and I know he would be spending the evening watching the ball game with Billy, and not to expect him early, even if Sue wasn't in town this week.

"Maybe we're cursed," I said after a long moment in comfortable silence. Jake's right arm was around me, his hand resting on my hip, and I was very comfortable, despite the situation. Paul had managed to drag Quil (who _wasn't_, as it turned out, covering Jake's patrol shift – as with most pack parties, Leah had volunteered to run solo for a few hours) onto a makeshift dance floor where they were attempting to demonstrate their skill at breakdancing. 'Attempting' being the imperative word here, and 'dancing' as loose a term as possible to describe what they were actually doing. It was… entertaining, to say the least.

Jake spluttered next to me: "_Cursed_, Bells?"

"What? It could happen," I deadpanned. Considering my track record, it wouldn't even surprise me, to be honest. "We've waited too long, and now the sex gods are angry at us." I should have known better than to utter the words 'sex gods' in proximity to several werewolves with super-freakish hearing. The way they _all_ turned their heads towards us in perfect unison would have been hilarious if I wasn't blushing so fiercely. Jake, on the other hand, might get a hernia from laughing so hard.

"You talking about me, Bella, babe?" Embry called from the back of the yard, eliciting laughter and catcalls to burst from the small crowd – my mortification was now complete. Why couldn't the world open up and swallow me when I wanted it to?

Embry had made his way to us while I hid my red face in Jake's shirt, so that I actually jumped when he spoke again: "Come on, birthday girl. Dance with me."

I turned to him with what I was sure was a stupefied look on my face: "What? No way. I don't dance. You guys _know_ that."

"Oh please, Bells, we're indestructible – Embry can take whatever you dish out!" Trust Jake to turn traitor on me in this situation! Wasn't a perfect boyfriend supposed to _protect_ his girlfriend from potential embarrassment?

I huffed when Embry wiggled his fingers, clearly expecting me to put my hand in his and let him whisk me away to the 'dance floor'. A look at Jake's face told me he had no intention to interfere, and I found myself with no other option than to accept the invitation. To dance. At my birthday party. _Ugh!_

"Paws where I can see them, Call!" Jake laughingly shouted after us when Embry wrapped me in his arms a little more closely than strictly necessary. I knew he was just fooling around – it wasn't a party until Embry pretended to make a pass at me, and Jake pretended to want to take his head off for it. Boys… I'd never understand them.

"So, when are you ditching the overgrown puppy and shacking up with me, Bella?" Embry asked in a teasing tone, his voice loud enough to ensure Jake would hear every word over the music. Seriously – it was a good thing Embry was actually a good guy, and that he always kept the fake-flirting fun, or I'd think he had a death wish. "I mean, you're three whole years older than him now, don't you feel weird, robbing the cradle and all?"

I laughed, giving him a light backhand slap on the chest that he probably never felt. Just like my feet squishing his toes didn't affect him in the least. "Did you just imply I'm getting _old_, Embry? I'll have you know that's no way to treat a lady!"

He actually looked sheepish for a moment, and my grin grew. Ah! Point to Bella.

The rest of the evening was spent mainly in the same fashion, meaning I got to step on about every guy's toes (Seth came back for seconds, the big freak!) even if I protested every time one of them requested a dance with the 'birthday girl'. At least they allowed me breaks during which I was able to sample the beautiful and succulent food Emily had brought before it all disappeared, and Paul kept me pliable with drinks that were undoubtedly spiked. He never realised that Jake drank two-thirds of every glass, so that I was just slightly buzzed by the time the party started to dwindle.

"It wasn't so bad after all, was it, Bells?" Jake asked me when everyone had left, leaving us alone to dance ('turn slowly in a circle' was probably a more appropriate description) under the stars. He was right of course. The pack always threw good parties. "You look happy," he added softly, brushing strands of my hair away from my face with his warm fingers. The slight breeze blew them right back in my face, making him chuckle.

"I am," I replied just as quietly, looking up to lock my gaze with his. He smiled _my_ smile, and I couldn't help but smile back. We probably looked like fools.

"Good – that's good," Jake said after a long moment, pulling me closer to his chest with his strong arms. Our feet had stopped moving altogether, and we just stood there, our arms wrapped around each other tightly, in the middle of my backyard, surrounded by half-deflated balloons and dim party lights. Rachel had told me she'd come in the morning to clean everything up. "You'd tell me, right?" Jake added in a whisper, his voice holding a note of seriousness I wasn't sure how to interpret. "If there was anything… I mean, no relationship is _perfect_, obviously, but you'd tell me if you weren't happy, wouldn't you?"

Huh. Where did _that_ come from? "Jake? Baby, what's wrong?" I took a small step back, trying to catch his eyes, but kept my arms loosely looped around his waist. "Why the sudden doubts?"

He shrugged, a sheepish grin on his lips, looking incredibly like an uncertain kid all of a sudden, none of my confident lover's demeanour apparent. "I just– I know Alice would probably call the moment something went wrong and she could see you again, but I can't help but worry." He was looking everywhere but directly at me, his voice so low I had to strain to hear him. "The last few months just seem too good to be true, you know? And then we've barely had any time together lately…"

"Jake, that's not how it works, Alice's 'sight'…" I didn't know why it worried him _now_, I didn't know why it worried him _at all_. Even if the fact that we weren't constantly in each other's presence might make me visible to Alice sometimes, it wouldn't change the situation, it wouldn't change my love for him… I wasn't with Jake because of what Alice had – or hadn't – seen. I thought he knew that. "I love you, Jake, and I'm very happy with you. You're over-thinking it," I chided softly, pulling him down to kiss his lips. "Now – didn't you say something about a gift?" I knew we'd have to address this again at some point, but for now, a change of mood seemed best.

"Why, Bells, I thought you didn't like gifts?" Jake took the offered out, his tone switching to a light tease and a soft smile appearing on his lips. "Was I supposed to get you something?" he added, his eyes unnaturally large and his innocent look so fake it made me laugh.

The delicate wooden necklace he fastened around my neck was absolutely stunning. The dark-red wood reminded me of the colour of his skin, it even felt warm against my collarbone. "Did you make this?" I asked in awe, remembering another gift from him, a small carved wolf that rested in my jewel case on my dresser. I hadn't worn it in years, but I'd kept it safe nonetheless.

Jake looked shy again, but there was nothing but love in his eyes now. "Yeah… I figured it'd be easier to make you accept a gift I hadn't actually spent any money on," he teased me, his warm fingers brushing my skin around the necklace, eliciting small shivers. The air was chilly – it was getting late.

"It's perfect," I told him sincerely, "just like my boyfriend." I pulled him down for another kiss, absorbing his chuckles with my lips. He might laugh, but if that's what it took to erase his doubts about us, I'd tell him how wonderful he was every day for the rest of our lives.

As Charlie's cruiser turned into the driveway, the headlights briefly illuminating us, I reflected that the first order of business would be to find a way to spend some time _alone_ with said wonderful man. Preferably sometime _soon_.

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Would you believe the pack actually surprised ME as well as Bella, with that party? I'm starting to think Bella's right – they must be cursed!

_(Not really – it'll all work out, I promise.)_

_Comments and reviews are, as always, greatly appreciated. Just in case I haven't told you all enough, already…_


	22. Jacob: Doubts

_There are no words to express how truly sorry I am that it took so long to get this out. __Work kept me both busy and uninspired. So thank you for sticking with me despite the atrociously long wait, thank you to those who inquired if-and-when I'd post again, and thank you all for your incredible patience._

_The next (and last) chapter should be out pretty soon, but I'm done making promises I can't keep._

_T__he intellectual rights to _Twilight_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. Enough said._

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**Twenty-two – Jacob**

I was happy, and yet utterly afraid to lose everything that made me so.

The weeks leading up to Bella's birthday had been frustrating to say the least: we barely managed to spend any time together, let alone any _private_ time. Bells had hinted heavily that she was ready to take that last step in our physical relationship, and _of course_ now we couldn't manage to spend one romantic evening together!

It wasn't that I really blamed the pack for throwing her a surprise birthday party – it was a really nice gesture after all – but this latest wrench in my plans to get a free evening with my girlfriend was kind of the last straw. Until the next patrol rotation, I really couldn't see how we'd manage. And the thought that this situation would come back every time I had the noon-till-midnight shift was depressing to say the least. How had Sam, Paul and Jared done it for so long? Of course, their relationships with their imprints were already solid by the time we established this schedule, so not to sound whiny, but my case was a little special.

What if the strain on our relationship was too much for Bells? What if the sudden distance made her question her decision to be with me? We'd been so caught up in our exploration of each other's bodies prior to this enforced hiatus, what if she realised that's all we really had? What if it was the only reason she was with _me_? I hated that Embry's teasing about our age difference had gotten to me, that it had reminded me of Paul's joke that Bella only needed to be hanging out with us wolves for Alice to lose sight of her, that she didn't _have_ to be with me for her future to disappear.

What if Bella figured that out for herself?

A part of me knew these doubts were unfounded, that Bella _loved_ me, and that I was worrying over nothing. And yet – here I was, thinking that things would be a lot easier if we just got an apartment of our own, that I _wanted_ to live with the love of my life, but I was deathly afraid to broach the subject with her. We'd only been together for a few months, and I was scared she'd freak at the prospect of getting too serious too fast. We'd never really discussed our future once she'd forgiven me for keeping my deal with the bloodsucker from her, we'd put all our energies in dating, in taking things slow, and then in the intimacy…

"Call someone – you're playing hooky this afternoon," Bells announced as she flopped down next to me on my bed. I hadn't expected to see her this morning, as she had promised Charlie to give him a hand in cleaning out the attic, or something of the sort. For my part, I was brooding over my manual for the new college course I'd started. I couldn't actually attend the classes, so I had a lot of reading to do.

I turned my head towards her, the thick book suddenly the least of my concerns. Our positions were very reminiscent of a fateful afternoon at the beginning of the summer, down to my wearing only a pair of jeans while she was bundled up in a thick sweatshirt. Even the rainstorm raging outside was a reminder of that time. And she smelled the same – vanilla, strawberry, and that indescribable aroma of unresolved sexual tension.

My heart made a not-quite-painful thud, and I realised I was suddenly nervous.

"Jake?" Bells turned on her side towards me, a frown forming between her delicate eyebrows when I didn't move or otherwise acknowledge her words. "Your father showed up at my place with enough snacks and beer to last him and Charlie the whole weekend, so I figured… I mean, I thought we'd take the opportunity to… But if you don't want–"

_That_ got my attention: "I'm calling Embry," I stopped her before she could say anything foolish. _Of course_ I wanted.

I jumped up from the bed and practically ran to the kitchen to make that phone call, and was back less than two minutes later, having no less than _begged_ Embry to take my shift. It was going to cost me, I knew, but twenty-three days without holding Bella's naked body against mine was enough. If no carefully thought-out plan would work, I figured maybe spontaneous decisions were the solution.

I stopped in the doorway of my room to take in the sight of Bells getting comfortable on my bed. She'd shed her sweater, leaving her in her usual attire of a t-shirt and jeans, her bare feet (I had no idea where her socks had disappeared to) poking out of her pant legs, her toes coloured with light-pink nail polish. It made me smile, the thought that she had taken the time to do that before coming here.

Of course, my Bells blushed a nice rosy hue when she realised I was admiring her. "Angela called last night," she said, avoiding my gaze for some reason. Her scent was especially strong today, like she'd gotten all worked-up without me. The thought made my dick twitch. "She invited us to Ben's birthday party next month," she elaborated when I didn't respond. "I told her I'd check with your busy schedule." She smirked, making me laugh softly. Bells knew I'd be patrolling early mornings by then. "But then we started talking, you know…" Her heartbeat kicked into overdrive and her blush deepened, making her that much more desirable in my eyes. But I didn't move from my spot. She obviously had something she wanted to tell me.

"I just– I realised I was waiting for the perfect romantic moment, you know, when really, what will make it perfect is _you_…"

I couldn't resist her any longer, and stepped up to the bed, putting a knee between hers to spread out over her body, the bulk of my weight supported by my right arm as I stroked her unbound hair with my left hand. "So? What did Embry say?" she said after I'd kissed her as gently and lovingly as I knew how. How had I gotten so lucky as to have this woman in my arms? How was I ever going to convince her to stay by my side forever?

"That I better make the most of it because he's not going to cover for me again," I replied with a wolfish grin, hiding my frazzled nerves. Embry's exact words had been a lot more vulgar, but I didn't want to make Bells uncomfortable. Suffice it to say that as a fellow non-imprinted wolf, Embry empathised with my situation a lot more than, say, Sam or Jared.

"Good," Bella said, twining her fingers into my hair and tugging, making me growl as she attacked my lips with hers. It didn't take long for me to realise that my girlfriend was on a mission and that she wouldn't be satisfied until we were thoroughly… well, 'satisfied' actually seemed like the right word. Her hands were roaming the expanse of my back, dipping into my jeans to squeeze my ass every now and then as I left her lips to taste her cheek, her eyebrows, the slope of her nose. Our legs were tangled, my body resting halfway on top of hers, my own fingers exploring her hair, the smooth skin of her neck, the curves of her breast. I couldn't get enough, excited that we were _finally_ alone for several hours, but at the same time, I was completely content to just keep kissing her like this. There were butterflies starting a party in my stomach, and I couldn't quite tell _why_ I was so full of nerves.

"Don't you think we're a little overdressed?" Bells eventually whispered seductively into my ear, licking at my lobe before pulling her head back to look me in the eyes. One of her hands found its way to the button of my jeans, playing with it teasingly.

Before my instincts took complete control over my body, I pulled back a little, settling on my side next to her, my head propped up by my right hand while the left continued to caress Bells' body over her clothes. "Are you sure, honey? We don't have to… I mean, just having you here in my arms, it's enough…" I'd meant to talk to her about my fears, and about the future I envisioned for us. I wanted to make love to her, of course – I just thought it might be better if we talked about some things first.

The look she gave me was a mix of incredulity and frustration, and I realised immediately that this might not have been the smartest move on my part. I knew she'd always have a problem with feeling rejected, thanks to the way Eddy had treated her for years. So before she could say anything, I tried to reassure her: "I've been dreaming of this for so long, Bells," I said, pulling her into a slow kiss before continuing, "I guess a part of me is a little afraid to wake up and realise it _has_ all been a dream, you know? And I don't want _this,_" I squeezed her hip with my hand, trying to convey my meaning, "to be all we are. You mean so much more to me than a lover." I rested my forehead on hers, closing my eyes as the damn butterflies started dancing the conga line. My next words came out in a soft whisper. "You are my best friend, the love of my life, the woman I want to grow old with. You're my everything, Bella Swan, and I love you. So much."

"Oh, Jake…" I heard her whisper back, but I didn't open my eyes yet, feeling like I might cry if I looked at her. She buried her fingers in my thick hair, placing soft tender kisses all over my face, but it didn't do anything to calm my galloping heartbeat, to soothe my nerves. I was biting my tongue, trying to refrain from just blurting out the issue of our sharing living accommodations. The way I was feeling, I was likely to just ask her to marry me right then and there; her probable reaction was enough to provoke chills to run down my back.

"Jacob, baby, look at me," she implored, and I couldn't refuse her. The emotion in her brown eyes when I met them was easy to read: it was pure love. "You're my best friend, too. And I'm in love with you – I think I have been for a very long time, even if I didn't know it. _This_," she said, raking her short nails down my stomach, making my muscles contract, "is _not_ all we are. It's _part_ of our relationship – a _good_ part. It's one way for us to express our love, how much we mean to each other. But you are _not_ just a lover to me either, Jake. And I didn't choose you over Edward because of this, okay?"

It figured that she would know just what I was afraid of. That she would put her finger squarely on that nagging doubt I had that she had only left the leech because he wouldn't give her the intimacy she craved, the intimacy _I_ was more than capable (and willing!) of sharing with her.

"What if– what if he'd been more confident with you, Bells? What if he'd been the lover you wished for?" I asked in a strained whisper, voicing my insecurity at last. My gaze was fixed on our interlocked fingers between our bodies, afraid to look at her face and see my doubts reflected in her eyes. "Would you still have left him, have come back to Forks, to me?"

She sighed, and squeezed my fingers with hers. "There were a lot more things wrong in my relationship with Edward than the sex, Jake," she stated in a gentle voice, leaning into me to kiss my forehead. "I'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't a factor – it was, and maybe it was even what ultimately broke us. But I wasn't going to spend my life with him. Not after he refused to change me." The reminder of how she had _willingly_ been wishing for death – a form of it anyway – made me shudder in remembered fear and pain. "I couldn't see myself growing older while he stood frozen as a teenager, and _that_, if nothing else, would have broken us up sooner or later," she added.

My heartbeat picked up its mad race again. "So, you'd expect me to stop phasing at some point, then?" I asked, afraid of what her answer might be. If she didn't, if she said she didn't care, would it mean she didn't see herself growing old by my side either?

Bells didn't answer right away, and I eventually brought my gaze to her face to see her reaction, see what had her frozen. She was, predictably, blushing. It didn't give me much indication as to what she was thinking though.

"Does it make me a horrible person, if I say 'yes'?" she finally whispered, averting her gaze by fixing a spot on my chest. "If I hope that someday – you know, in a few years, if we ever decide to have kids, or whatever… That you'd leave all the patrolling and protecting of the tribe to the guys who want it, that maybe, since the Cullens aren't coming back, the pack wouldn't need to be so big…" She trailed off then, and I realised I needed to breathe when white spots started appearing in my visual field. "If– if you wanted to, of course, I mean. I wouldn't presume…"

"I'd want to, Bells," I cut her off quietly, my words strained, feeling like I had to drag them past the lump that had formed in my throat. She'd been thinking about _kids_… "Of course I'd want to," I repeated, and kissed her before she could hear how choked up I was, before the tears I felt coming could spill over. Man, I was turning into a _girl!_

Bella turned into me until I was on my back and she was lying on top of me, our lips never separating for more than an instant, our hands caressing curves and planes that had become so familiar in the last few weeks, seeking flushed skin, tangling into soft hair. Her t-shirt disappeared at some point, her bra following soon after – the sensation of her bare torso against mine, her soft round breasts pressing against my hard muscles, was one I hadn't realised I'd missed so much until I felt it again. I wrapped my arms tightly around her small body, taking advantage of a pause in our kissing to bury my nose into her wild hair and inhale deeply. "I love you," I whispered in her ear, letting my mind clear of all the fears that had been nagging me for days, simply relishing her presence in my arms, the feel of her skin against mine after too long an absence, the strong scent of her undiminished arousal igniting mine. Enjoying what I had while I had it, and not worrying, for now, about anything but this moment right here.

She raised her head to look me in the eye as she replied: "I love you too, Jake." She had the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen on her lips, a definite twinkle in her eyes. She looked happy, content – loved. "Let me show you how much?" she asked, a beautiful rosy shade rising in her cheeks. "Make love with me, please?"

What, I idly wondered, was a guy supposed to answer to _that_? "Yes," I whispered into the skin of her neck, just below the line of her jaw. "Yes," I murmured against her collarbone, shifting our bodies until she rested under me, allowing me more freedom of movement. "Yes," I spoke to her left breast, brushing her nipple with my lips and feeling it grow taut. Her moans were interspersed with giggles when I inadvertently tickled her, her fingers finding purchase where she could on my shoulders, in my hair. I climbed back up her body, trailing my tongue on a wandering path between her breasts and up her neck, until I found her lips again. Our kiss was teasing this time, the earlier heaviness of doubts and fears having lifted to be replaced with comfortable playfulness. Bella shifted her legs until I rested snugly between her thighs, my arms taking most of my weight so I wouldn't completely crush her. "I kind of missed this, I have to confess," I told her with a smile, rubbing her nose with mine.

Bells laughed. "What? This?" she asked teasingly, tugging at my hair in the way she knew drove me crazy. My hips jerked instinctively, and I growled softly. "Or this?" she grinned, scratching her nails down my back just hard enough for me to _feel_ it. I nipped at her lips, and shifted my weight to my right arm so I could bring my left hand down between us, encircling her small breast with my large fingers.

"This too," I countered, smirking when she moaned and arched her back into the touch. "And this," I said, rocking my hips against her, the thick fabric of my jeans and hers unfortunately muting the sensation. She'd been right – we were overdressed.

"Well, _I_ missed your warmth," Bella said, wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and lifting herself up until her body was plastered to mine. I laughed at the thought of her resembling a koala. A half-naked, white-skinned, very sexy koala.

"I guess I'll just have to carry you around everywhere I go then," I teased her, finding an ear to nibble on as I shifted my weight back to sit on my haunches, bringing her up until I could put my arms around her too.

Her voice turned to a very arousing husky tone when she replied: "Careful what you wish for, baby; I just might take you up on that offer."

Jeez – did she even realise what she was saying? "Bells…" I half-growled, half-pleaded. She really had a way to make my heartbeat go wild, and the butterflies in my stomach make a reappearance just when I thought I'd finally gotten rid of them. "Don't say these things if you don't mean them, honey, please…" I didn't care that I was begging – she was going to be the death of me.

"Of course I mean them, Jake!" she exclaimed instantly, drawing her head back to look me in the eyes. Every other part of our bodies was touching, her legs snugly encircling my waist, her butt firmly positioned in my lap, our arms wrapped around each other so that our chests were tightly smashed together. "If I had my way, we'd be together all day long, everyday. You have no idea how much I've missed going to sleep next to you this month," she added, her expression serious but not sombre. She understood my responsibilities and accepted the consequences, and would never fault me for them. I was a very, very lucky man.

Her words ignited a new hope in my heart, and the words were out of my mouth before I could censor myself: "Well I was thinking we could start looking for our own place, maybe an apartment in Port Angeles if you find a job…" I trailed off before I started babbling about the size of the bathtub and how I thought we only needed a one-bedroom for now, and we could move into a bigger place when we decided to have children. Bells' smile was very wide, and it occurred to me that perhaps I'd been worrying for nothing, that maybe she _wasn't_ going to run screaming at the suggestion of our planning a life together. "I wanted to talk to you about it, but I was nervous," I admitted quietly, pressing my nose to her temple and squeezing her body ever closer to mine, in a futile attempt to escape my embarrassment. I was pretty sure I was blushing.

"Jake, remember when I asked for perfect honesty from you?" she asked in a soft tone, her fingers raking my hair in a soothing pattern. Good thing wolves didn't purr, or I would be embarrassing myself further. "It goes for these things too – we should be able to talk to each other about _anything_. And for the record, I think it's a wonderful idea. We'll definitely have to talk about it further," she added, her voice holding a trace of playfulness again, "but _later_." And with that she flung herself backwards, catching me off guard and making us topple onto the bed, our jean-clad hips crashing together as I failed to catch my weight in time.

"Jeez Bells, are you trying to land yourself in the hospital again?" I joked, shifting back so that most of my body wasn't pushing hers quite so hard into the bed.

She laughed, answering me with a very obvious come-hither look in her twinkling eyes: "No, but you promised to make love to me, and you keep getting us sidetracked…" She pouted prettily, and I got the message. My lips crashed onto hers before she could utter another sound.

My first order of business became to find a way to get rid of the restricting jeans we were both still wearing while not surrendering the contact of my lips with her skin, of her hands on my body. I managed to pop the button of her pants fairly easily, but Bells wouldn't relinquish her legs' hold onto my waist, and any further progress was impossible in this position. "Weren't you the one who was complaining about there being too many clothes between us?" I asked her when I realised she was making things difficult for me on purpose.

Her grin was nothing short of mischievous. "The Jacob Black I know never let a little roadblock stop him from something he wanted," she teased right back. I took the challenge.

Rising up onto my knees above her, I slid my hands down her thighs and legs until I had a good grip on her calves, and forced her to uncross her ankles behind my back. I then hurriedly tugged on her jeans and panties, leaving her lying attractively nude on my bed as I stood at the foot of it, admiring the view and inhaling her arousing aroma. My Bells was definitely 'in the mood'. "This is much better," I declared, watching her watch me as I took my time unbuttoning and unzipping my own jeans. "Don't you think?"

She hummed her approval, but I could tell she was distracted by the too-slow movements of my fingers on my own pants. A fresh whiff of her arousal reached my nostrils when I let my jeans fall from my hips, and I couldn't stop a low growl from passing my lips. I didn't know how it was for normal guys, but this heightened sense of smell sure made things… enjoyable for us wolves.

The butterflies in my stomach were now starting a brand new dance. I knew Bells hadn't really meant it that way, but her words that I'd make this perfect for her were kind of putting some pressure on my shoulders. I wasn't afraid to be unable to perform – my body made it clearly apparent that _that_ wouldn't be a problem. But my ego really wanted to make Bells forget she'd ever had another lover.

So I started with her toes. She giggled, claiming that I was tickling her, but her desire was getting even stronger, permeating the air of my room, telling me she was enjoying my ministrations. I kneeled between her legs, raising them both until her calves rested high on my chest, and ran my hand down her leg while I held her foot to my mouth, nibbling on her pink-coloured toes. The rainstorm was still raging outside, the pitter-patter of the rain on the window providing us with a gentle soundtrack, the grey light setting the ambiance.

My lips started travelling down her leg, gently biting the fleshy part of her right calf, before going lower, to lick behind her knee, to kiss her creamy inner thigh. The closer I was getting to the source of her heavenly smell, the harder it was to keep things slow. I'd wanted this for so long…

"Jake…" Bells moaned when I let her legs fall on each side of me and laid down to press a kiss right below her belly button. My fingers lightly caressed the skin of her thigh, drawing teasingly closer to where I knew she wanted my touch. The way she was straining against my hold, trying to buck her hips, was proof enough.

"Baby, please don't tease, I–" she whispered pleadingly, cutting off when I suddenly flicked her clit with my tongue while inserting just the tip of my middle finger past her inner lips. She clenched around it instantly.

"I'm not, honey. I just want you to feel good," I tried to reassure her while exploring her folds with the finger that was soaked with her juices. She was more than ready, but I lingered anyway.

"You know what would _really_ feel good?" she replied in a tone I'd never heard from her, part seductive, part frustrated. "Feeling you fill me, Jake. Please. We've waited so long already…"

It was scary how I could lose all willpower from just a look or a word from that woman, sometimes; something told me that if she ever realised it, I'd never stand a chance. But the reality of it was, I wasn't going to complain if she wanted to cut short the preliminaries. She had a point: we'd been waiting a long time for this moment.

"Fine, o impatient one," I mocked her gently, slowly kissing up her body while trying to reach my nightstand drawer with my left hand. These long limbs of mine weren't quite long enough though, and I was fumbling, making the knickknacks on the low table topple. Bells was nibbling on my neck the moment it came within her reach, distracting me further from my task.

"What are you doing?" she laughingly asked when my radio crashed to the floor with a bang. Her hands were sliding down my sides, eliciting small shivers in their wake. It felt heavenly.

"Condoms. I have them somewhere." She was too distracting – I couldn't think properly.

Her voice was breathy and oh-so-alluring when she said: "Not necessary – I've been on the pill for years."

Oh good. Wait. "Why?" Her only lover had been a vampire who didn't even let himself… My confusion must have shown through clearly because she giggled.

"I was living with my boyfriend for four years, Jake. When Renée… Believe me, it was just easier to go with the flow."

Right. That made sense. Much more than the sudden images of Bella getting frisky with frat boys that invaded my brain. Less upsetting.

Her tone had turned a little hesitant when she added: "So unless there's another reason for…"

Huh? Oh. "No, no – I'm clean. I'm not even sure I _could_ catch anything, what with being wolf…" Wow. Could this conversation get any _weirder_?

"Good, that's good. I want to feel _you_," she said, and grabbed my ass with both hands, shifting her hips up in a move that left no doubt as to her meaning. Any further words flew right out of my mind.

I kissed her hard before shifting position so that all the important parts were aligned. Our difference in height made things a little logistically challenging, and I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible – not to brag, but my dick's proportionate to the rest of me, and she'd said it had been several months since… There was no way this wouldn't hurt a little for her.

I gripped her hip with one large hand and looked straight into her eyes as I endeavoured to enter her as slowly as possible, watching for any sign of discomfort from her. She didn't make things easy, moaning my name loudly and arching her back on the bed in a futile attempt to reach my body, high over hers.

She was wet, and hot, and. So. Fucking. Tight.

"Jake, come on…" she moaned when I was about halfway in, locking gazes with me again to give me a _look_. Her voice was the epitome of sexy. "I'm not going to break, baby."

Fuck.

My hips jerked before I could control myself, and I slid completely in, moaning loudly in response to Bells' small cry of pleasure. I tried to stay still, to give her time to adjust, but she suddenly became impossibly _wetter_, and I completely lost it, pumping into her supple body in long deep strokes as her cries and moans rose in pitch and her hips strained against mine.

I wasn't going to last five minutes.

"Fuck, Bells…" I growled, wanting so much to kiss her. Our current position made it impossible, so I snaked an arm under her back and lifted her while sitting back on my haunches, and just like that, everything became… _perfect._

"_Oh…_" Bells exclaimed, her lips frozen in that shape as I felt her inner walls quiver around me, her thighs gripping my hips tightly as she buried her fingers in my hair to hang on as I drove myself deeply into her, my quick powerful strokes bringing me that much closer to my own orgasm. I was gripping her hips so tightly I was sure to leave fingermarks, but she clearly didn't care. Within moments, her breaths became shallow, and she gripped my hair hard as she crashed her mouth onto mine, coming apart in my arms. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever felt, and nothing could have prevented me from following her over the edge.

This, the small portion of my brain who could still form coherent thought realised, was the difference between 'sex' and 'making love'.

"Oh my God, Jake, that was… incredible," Bella eventually whispered in an awed tone that felt very, _very_ good to my ego. She was raking her fingers through my hair, our sweaty skin effectively gluing us to each other, and I never wanted to move. But then she shifted her hips just a little, settling herself more comfortably, presumably, and I felt myself grow hard again inside her.

It looked like my stamina wasn't shut to hell after all.

* * *

_I would just like to mention how grateful I am to __**cretin**__, who kicked my ass about finishing this while I was taking a short vacation on a Cuban beach (I DIDN'T finish the story, but I DID get unstuck while listening to the waves and drinking fruity drinks). I know you're not completely satisfied with how Bella and Jake handled things, honey, but I hope you can forgive me for trying to write a sweet-and-sexy story (even though it turned into a 75K-word monster)._


	23. Bella: Love

_As we say in French: chose promise, chose due. (Rough translation: I've now delivered as promised.)_

_A part of me is a little sad that the story is done, but to be honest, I really need to move on from it, to get back to my 'serious' writing, so… I just hope the end is satisfying to you – I tried my best not to rush it, which partly explains why it took so long._

_For the last time: _Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I've done my part in trying to fix things._

**

* * *

**

Twenty-three – Bella

For a cold and rainy fall day, this one was turning out to be quite… enjoyable.

I had been so horny since my birthday, since the 'special plans' Jake had mentioned had been foiled by the surprise party the pack had decided to throw in my honour, that I felt like a teenage boy. Making love with my boyfriend had become an obsession: I thought about it as I was working, I fantasised about it as I was eating, and I dreamt about it as I slept.

When Angela had called about her fiancé's birthday party and taken the opportunity to ask how things were between Jacob and I (in that teasing tone she always seemed to have nowadays – she was_ so_ smug about seeing right through me that night we'd gone for drinks in Port Angeles…), the frustration I'd felt at the lack of intimacy in my relationship of late had come pouring out before I'd been able to stop the words. Angela, of course, had been sniggering at me.

"It's not funny, Ang. Jake keeps planning these wonderfully romantic dates, but we're being thwarted at every turn, and I'm _this_ close to just saying the hell with it, and jumping his bones the moment we're alone, no matter where that might be," I'd told her, my tone definitely whiny.

Her response had shocked me into silence: "Why don't you?"

She'd had me there. Why _hadn't_ I? A part of it was that I'd always had to make the advances with Edward, and I really liked that Jacob wasn't constantly waiting for me to take that first step, to drop a hint. And what girl wouldn't be looking forward to the romantic plans Jake kept coming up with? It felt wrong to dismiss them – and ultimately _him_ – by saying I didn't care, "just make love to me already"… But on the other hand, the more we waited, the higher the expectations seemed to be getting on both parts, and I was afraid we'd end up incredibly disappointed. _If_, that is, we ever managed to _make_ any one of those plans happen!

So when an opportunity had presented itself this morning (Billy _had_ looked like he was planning to camp in front of Charlie's flat screen for at least the day, if not the whole weekend), I'd only spent about fifteen minutes half-heartedly trying to talk myself out of driving to La Push. In the end, that _craving_ deep inside, that itch that I simply couldn't scratch (I'd never really understood that saying before now), had won.

And boy was I not regretting it.

Jake had taken a little convincing – he'd been as obviously enthusiastic at _finally _having a few hours of privacy as I was, but there had been things on his mind, doubts that I was glad we'd addressed. It was a discussion we should have had well before now: probably that day Edward and Alice had visited, or at least after my birthday party when he'd sounded so scared and I'd dismissed it as the frustration of being denied an evening alone again. I'd been a horrible girlfriend – and I planned on earning his forgiveness in the most delectable ways.

One of the things I liked best about Jacob Black, though, was his capacity to let go of problems and worries, and just _enjoy_ the moment. As soon as his fears had been put to rest, the mood turned playful and his small bedroom suddenly hummed with energy, with the anticipation that we were both feeling at taking this step in our relationship. My body was already tingling before he'd taken off my jeans, and when he stood at the foot of the bed, taking in my nude form with such obvious admiration in his eyes, I felt like the most desirable woman on Earth.

His caresses and butterfly kisses felt amazing as he moved from my toes towards my upper thighs, but there was really only one thing that my body craved right now – that I'd been obsessing on for _days_. And that was _him_, inside me, filling me the way I instinctively knew no one else could. So I urged him on, and when he started entering me oh-so-slowly, his thick member stretching my inner walls to their capacity, I knew it wouldn't take much for me to come. It felt too amazing, too _perfect_ – and I wanted him to join me for the ride, not concentrate on not hurting me, as I knew he was.

"Jake, come on…" I coaxed him, locking gazes with him so he'd know I wasn't masking any pain. "I'm not going to break, baby."

That did it. He slid in to the hilt with a jerk of his hips, and I moaned loudly at the sensation of being so _full_, of being _one_ with Jacob. I could think of no words to describe the feeling, except that it felt _right_. And I was pretty sure I could come from this, whether or not he started moving.

He did, though, and I lost myself in the rocking motion of his hips against mine, in the tingles that raced through my spine and down my limbs, in the strain it took to not come apart just… quite… yet…

My only complaint was that in order for this position to work despite our massive difference in heights, Jake's upper body was high above mine, and I couldn't feel his warm skin against mine, I couldn't kiss his beautiful face. My hands were clinging to his biceps and my legs were wrapped around his waist, but I wanted more contact – I _needed_ his touch.

Jake and I were apparently on the same wavelength, because before I could manage to string two words together to voice my desire, I heard him growl incoherently – felt it reverberate through me delectably from where we were joined – while he positioned an arm under me to lift me with him as he sat back on his knees. I had a flash of the repetitive dream I'd had at the beginning of the summer, the one where Jake made love to me in this exact position, and could only reflect that it felt even better in reality. Our entire bodies were in contact, his supernatural heat seeping into my skin and relaxing my muscles until I felt like a giant pile of goo, except for the tightening coil in my gut, the compact spring that wound itself tighter and tighter with each push of Jake's hips, until it all came crashing down, and I had to grab onto his head and crash my lips to his or else I'd lose myself. I felt Jake grow impossibly larger inside me before he came with a few short thrusts; the feeling that settled over me in that moment was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I'd never felt so loved, so desired, than when I realised that he'd fallen over the edge with me, that he'd trusted me and himself enough to let go and lose control.

It was the most beautiful feeling in the world.

"Oh my God, Jake, that was… incredible," I murmured in his ear after I'd somewhat managed to regain my breath. I was still hungry for his touch, for the contact of his skin, the softness of his thick black hair sliding through my fingers, the wetness of his tongue travelling down my neck. We were sweaty and sticky, glued to each other in this position, but I couldn't care less. I was perfectly comfortable, and planned to stay right here for the rest of eternity, thank you very much. Yeah, my brain was pretty much fried.

I expected him to say something about the – shall we say – 'expeditiousness' of our joining: not that I minded, but I couldn't imagine Jake not feeling bad about lasting significantly less than ten minutes. But even as I prepared myself to deny his concerns, I felt his member twitch and grow hard again where it still rested inside me, and I gasped at the strength of the sensation he caused without even moving. Everything was so much more sensitive, felt so much _more_.

"You didn't think that was it, did you?" Jake questioned in a mock-affronted tone, and I laughed at his raised eyebrow, at the twinkle in his eye. My boyfriend, the overachiever.

"Well…" I started to tease him, but he cut me short with a kiss that quickly turned ravaging, all teeth and tongue and – God, that man could kiss. He was, incredibly, distracting me from the shallow pumping of his hips, from the strokes of his large warm hands up my back and over my hair. I was overdosing on Jake – Jake's skin, Jake's scent, Jake's warmth, Jake's kisses, Jake's caresses, Jake's thrusts. It felt nice – more than nice, truthfully – and perfect.

After a while our kisses turned slow and indolent, and Jake, in a feat of acrobatics I had no idea was even possible, twisted our bodies so that I was straddling him as he laid down, his head nearly hanging off the foot of the bed. He didn't seem to mind – the switch in position had made him slip out for a brief moment, but before I could register the disappointing loss, he was filling me again, somehow deeper in this new position. His grin was definitely cocky when a particularly powerful thrust made me moan deep in my throat. I didn't call him up on it – as long as he kept doing _that_, he could feel smug all he wanted!

"God, you're beautiful, Bells!" he exclaimed in a near-worshipping tone after several minutes had passed with nothing but grunts and moans escaping our lips. "_So_ beautiful…" he whispered, his hands gliding up from the hold he'd had on my hips to caress my waist, to palm my small breasts and brush his thumbs across my nipples. I threw my head back in order to send my long, thoroughly tangled hair behind my shoulders so it wouldn't be in the way, and the movement made something _shift_ and I gasped.

"_Oh! Yes…_" I moaned, my gaze on the slightly-blurry ceiling above me as I ground down just _so_, the angle making the head of Jake's dick rub against _something_, making soft little electrical shocks burst through my body, emanating from deep inside. _Wow_.

"Fuck, honey–" Jake gritted through clenched teeth, and his hips increased in speed. I could imagine what I looked like, body arched into a bow, chest pushed forward, riding him as hard as his restraining hands on my butt allowed me to. I grabbed onto his forearms with both hands, needing the anchoring as the sensation became almost too much – not painfully, but like I couldn't sustain it much longer before tearing myself apart somehow. I realised I'd stopped breathing when the ceiling before my eyes started disappearing around the edges of my visual field, and I flung myself forward onto Jake's chest as I took a big gulping breath.

"You okay?" he asked softly as his hands rubbed my back in delicious long calming strokes, our rocking hips having nearly stopped their motion – but not quite. I kissed his lips while nodding, bumping noses with him and making him laugh.

"Yeah, I– yeah…" I assured him, catching my breath and trailing kisses along his jaw to suck on his earlobe the way I knew he loved. "It just got a little too much, is all," I said as I tilted my hips against him, urging him to start his thrusting again. There was still an unfulfilled urge inside me, an ache that only Jake could soothe.

His body responded to my motions, but his face was concerned when he asked: "Did I hurt you, Bells? You have to tell me if–"

"No. No, Jake," I reassured him as I pushed myself up a little to face him more directly. He followed the movement, sitting up and engulfing me in an intimate version of his trademark bear-hugs. "It wasn't painful, I swear, just a bit… much." I grinned at him, quirking an eyebrow as I continued: "It'll take some practice for me to be able to sustain that position, I think."

The low growl that came from him was the answer I'd been looking for. He punctuated it with a hard kiss and a series of quick and shallow thrusts, his abs contracting with the effort against my lower stomach. I felt my inner muscles respond in kind, and I smirked at the way his eyes crossed for an instant. I had no idea how I could still form coherent thoughts, much less sustain a semblance of conversation – perhaps it was the orgasm I'd already experienced that made this round less urgent, if no less intense. "We'll have to take it into account in our hunt for an apartment – we'll need a large bedroom for our large bed," I announced as matter-of-factly as I could manage through the small moans that were escaping my lips as our hips strained together ever more quickly.

"And a large bathtub," Jake mumbled into my chest, making me laugh in remembrance of his complaints with the size of my shower. One of his large hands squeezed one of my breasts as he teased the other with his lips and tongue, sending a jolt of desire straight to my clitoris. He carefully pushed me back against his raised knees so he'd have better access, changing the angle of his thrusts again, and I felt that tightening coil start clenching my insides in the most delicious way. Jake must have felt it too, because he emitted a low moan of his own as his other hand, the one that wasn't already occupied with coaxing the most amazing sensation from my breast, gripped my thigh forcefully. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up with finger-shaped bruises, but it didn't hurt – if anything, the possessiveness behind it made it all the more enjoyable.

Our lovemaking went on like that for a few more minutes, the gasps and moans our frantic pace pulled out of us interspersed with bribes of conversation about the things we'd want in our future home: a large kitchen for my cooking, a cozy sofa to cuddle in, a jacuzzi, large windows to take in as much light as possible, a flat screen TV… I wasn't sure how serious Jake was with some of his suggestions, and I honestly couldn't care at the moment, needing all my concentration for just forming coherent words. I could feel my orgasm building, still out of reach but so near I could almost _taste_ it. Jake had laid back onto the bed for more traction, his hips pushing up into mine with reckless abandon, his thumbs rubbing maddening slow circles into my inner thighs.

"And a large walk-in closet," I managed to gasp as I rolled my hips into Jake's, striving for that eluding push over the edge, "for… for all my clothes–" I couldn't finish, the thought fleeing from my mind on his next thrust.

"We won't _need_ any clothes," Jake choked out in a barking laugh. "We'll spend all our time in bed, honey, if I have anything to say about it."

I giggled, but he chose that moment to graze my clit with his thumb, and I swallowed the laugh back as I gasped, the fleeting touch enough to send me crashing, my inner walls contracting around him powerfully. He grunted, and followed me into ecstasy after just a couple more deep and hard shoves.

"You. Are. Incredible," he declared with passion after another few minutes had passed as we both strained to catch our breath. His words were interspaced with kisses on whatever part of my body happened to be within range of his lips as he repositioned us (I was too mellow and exhausted to move myself) in the bed, our heads resting close on the pillows that he'd retrieved from the floor, where he'd apparently kicked them in his enthusiasm.

I smiled contentedly and kissed him softly. "Thank you," I said seriously, knowing he'd understand how much it had meant to me that he'd let himself enjoy our lovemaking as much as I had. It truly felt like we'd made love _together_, and that, I now realised, was something that had always been missing with Edward. But I was done thinking about my ex and comparing him to Jake; I planned to enjoy the afterglow with Jacob.

"Come here," he said, pulling me into his body and settling on his back as I curled into his side, my head on his chest and our legs tangled together. "So… about that apartment…" He sounded just a little hesitant, as if I'd go back on my agreement of our starting to look for a joint home.

"We're also going to need a big fridge," I said, continuing our list so he'd know I hadn't only been playing. "I imagine I'm going to have to feed a few werewolves form time to time."

He chuckled, and squeezed me a little closer. I closed my eyes, the exhaustion slowly pulling me under, and I felt the reverberation of his laugh and his words through his chest: "Yeah, you probably will. But we'll make it work," he whispered, and I heard the hope, the joy, the love and the contentment in his voice.

As I slipped into a peaceful sleep, safe in the arms of this amazing man, my last thought was that we would indeed – we'd make it work, _together._

The End.

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_As an end note, I would like to thank every single one of you, whether you reviewed or not, because fanfiction IS (to me at least), all about the readers. To the people who commented, I've told you all how much I appreciated your __feedback, and I thank you again. To the anonymous ones whom I couldn't reply to: your words were greatly appreciated, and I hope you enjoyed the story._

_Special acknowledgment goes to __**cretin**__, __**Naranwien**__ and __**Idunnowhy**__ for letting me rant when I was stuck, uninspired or too busy to write._

_Also: I've mentioned some time ago that I had an idea for another story. I do. I'm not deleting the file from my computer, and knowing myself as I do, I'll probably revisit it at some point. But not right now. So my advice to you, if you're interested, is to keep me on Author Alert. It might be in a few months, it might be in a year – but chances are that I'll want to take Jacob Black and Bella Swan (and Edward, because every story needs a villain) for a spin again. (Plus there's that small matter of a promise I made to __**cretin**__ about 'Frustration' outtakes…)_

_I__n the meantime, don't hesitate to PM me if you want to chat – I'm not disappearing, I'm just returning to my natural 'lurker' mode._


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